2015 and I'm Not So Bad

New Years is around the bend and all sorts of resolutions are being contrived.

I’m not into the resolution thing though, as I’ve mentioned in prior posts.  They are useless and if I had to make one, it would be to never make one again; at least I could keep that promise.

So now that Christmas is over, we’re moving into ringing the next year in with enthusiasm (some of us) and I hope for all those of you out there it is a stupendous one full of peace and happiness.  It’s an empty wish in many ways because what year brings nothing but that?  None.  Alas, it’s sort of rude to say ‘hope your new year is less messed up than the one you just survived’.  So instead I do the polite thing and incidentally the wish is from my heart.

For me, I’ve just celebrated my 42^nd year of living.  Yes indeed, my birthday just zoomed by on the same day that Christian's are celebrating their Savior’s birth.  Since I’m Muslim, Christmas isn’t celebrated but for my family, my birthday certainly is and has always been.  The thing is, I’m not a big fan of celebrating my birthday anymore.  I don't know why.

At one time I was, like children are want to do, all gung ho about the birthday thing.  Now, not so much.  I’m too old for that nonsense and if I do celebrate, it’s for the sake of my family.  Personally I’d rather sit and watch a good movie and doze off on the couch with a silent "thanks" to God for another day of living.  This could possibly be an earmark of mental growth? 

Anyhow, a friend of mine on FB pinged me a few days ago and was complaining about how ‘boring’ his life had become and how he wanted to go back in time to re-live his youth.  Keep in mind that he’s probably no older than 30 or so.  I read his words while shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  He went on and on about how being an adult sucked, how responsibilities were bogging him down, how he’d rather be somewhere getting drunk and acting a fool.  Another side note, he lives with his parents, doesn't have a real job yet, doesn't pay bills and I do not believe he has a girlfriend even.  Yea, okay...moving right along.  Then he asked me whether I would like to go back in time and have a do-over.

It took me not even a second to respond with a ‘NO’ and where as normally I'm careful with caps usage, this time I wasn't.  I don’t know about his 20’s but I remember mine crystal clear and there are plenty of things I’d like to forget.  I have no interest whatsoever to start back at that age because although I understand that the 40s is way closer to senior living homes and hobbling around with a walker as well as investing stock in Bengay or Tiger Balm, I frankly wouldn’t exchange one for another.  Here are my reasons (you know I was going to come up with a list):

Maturity:  I had none of it then, and although it wasn’t that I was immature, life was so…black and white.  Now I know for a fact that there are way more than 50 shades of any color, much less just grey.  This knowledge was hard earned as well, filled with disappointments and moments of 'oh hell...that's not how it should be'.  I'm a way better person for it, so no regrets.

Confidence:  The 20 something year old me didn’t have even a lick of this.  She would hide behind whatever she could to not get noticed, she never spoke up (although at home she was loud because she was comfortable) and she blended into the background as much as she could.  This woman of 40 is most certainly not like that.  She has realized that her voice matters, her opinions may be of import and she, if needed, will speak up because she’s worth being listened to.  And if I want to eat a brownie, I'll damn well eat a brownie in front of thin people and I just don't care because that's how I roll. 

Money:  I had none of it.  Not a dime to my name. My dad bankrolled me and I was such a cautious kid that I spent wisely.  Don’t think I wasn’t spoiled but even in my ‘spoil’ I was careful and considerate.  There was no real such thing as a splurge, more along the lines of ‘wise spending’.  I don’t regret that because now that I have money I still spend thriftily along with a bank account, I have something saved, and enough to buy myself a little something-something if I so wish, buy pretty things for my family/friends or just go off and do something fun without worrying about finances.  It’s nice.  Biggest plus of being this age.

Clarity of intentions:  I never knew what I was going to do from one moment to another.  Life was just one big blur for so long.  Even more my future was ridiculously undecided.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, where I wanted to do it and who I wanted to be with while doing all this.  I just did not know who I was, couldn’t for the life of me explain my life philosophy and I was as green as they came.  I may still not know precisely who I am, I mean who does, but my intentions in life are clear.  I know who I want to be sorta, kinda and am working towards this goal with purpose.

Which leads into...Purpose:  I now (a word I'm stressing) live life with this.  My reason for being may not be to achieve happiness for myself but I firmly believe that I'm meant to be there for others.  Sounds a bit sucky, right?  It should be about me, shouldn't it?  After all it's my life and I've got one to live.  However, while it may sound less than appetizing to you, I'm all about self-sacrifice.  I've, during my 30's, realized that I was meant to be the sympathetic ear, the comforting arms, the sage and wise advisor and the Devil's advocate for those who surround me.  I do not need the same in return (well, not often) and if I've been able to help even one person out throughout the course of my life, and steered them in the right direction, then I think as a human being, I'm successful.  This is my purpose and whereas I may have identified it within the 3rd decade of my existence, I have been honing it ever since and continue to do so without thinking twice.

 

I’m not as ugly as I thought:  Here’s the thing, I grew up as one of maybe 4 Indians in the neighborhood.  I was always a little chunky (after the age of 6), painfully awkward, faintly smelled like masala, wasn’t allowed to do the same things my friends did and my clothes aesthetic was not ‘on point’.   And it didn’t help also that I was so ‘odd’ that no boy ever, ever approached me which led me to believe that I just wasn't very…nice to look at.  That doesn’t mean that as of right now I think I’m a beauty queen, trust me, I’m not.  That being said, I’ve come to realize I’m not quite as hideous as I once figured.  Hell, that’s speaking volumes for me.

This also segues into...Big IS beautiful:  I'm big.  I've said it often.  I'm round and plump and whatever other word you want to use.  The last time I saw a size 2 was when I was 2 probably.  I struggled with my self image for far too long and it's taken a toll on me mentally and physically.  Having been one who has tried a good amount of 'lose weight quick' tricks, and realizing none of them work, I started to realize that I'm not the one who has the problem with my weight, it's everyone else it seems.  And this in itself has begun to confound me as opposed to make me sad.  If you have a problem with my weight, then that's YOUR problem to deal with, not mine.  I'm big and that's okay.  When I want to be smaller?  I'll try again.  Until then, I'mma go have that brownie and while I do that I will not bitch/complain/bemoan/blame anyone else but myself. 

Intelligence:  It’s a trait that I’ve always admired.  I have a cousin who when I would hang out with her for any length of time, I was often in awe.  She was so darn smart, so intelligent that I could only sit back to listen to her and think, “I want to be like her”.  She had a vast array of knowledge and a command of the English language that was downright badass.  Somewhere along the way instead of thinking I want to be like her, I started down the path.  Am I?  No, I don’t think so.  She still impresses me to death but I know I’m not far behind on the intellectual department.  I am fully able to put thoughts together, have a point to what I’m saying, understand very well the basics of a debate and can stand my ground with empirical evidence.  I also have the ability to look at things in a different angle then one and dissect it for its validity.  Not half bad.

Wit:  Oh I used to get soooooo tongue tied at one time when it came to this.  Wit wasn’t a word that was in my dictionary in the least.  Absolutely anyone could say anything and I just wouldn’t have a ready rejoinder available.  It would be hours later when an internal lightbulb would go off in my cranium and I would think, “damn it I shoulda said this….”  I can’t even count on two hands and two feet how often that’s happened and let me just assure  you that it’s super frustrating.  I don’t quite have that problem anymore.  If I can’t claim beauty, grace, super intelligence, I can claim wit.  I got that one down.

So yes, the year has started and I have walked into it with my head held a little bit high.  Let's see how the rest of the year goes.  I'm just hoping that by 2016 I'll have something more to add to this but the pessimistic side of me tells me NOT to count my chickens before they hatch.

Oh well.

Happy New Year, y'all!!! <3