Angst of a Type A

 

I've been writing a lot of blogs lately.  Whenever something pops into my mind, I'll scribe something down, making it as detailed as possible.  I've had this blog since 2012 and probably haven't written this much in one go at any given time.  So what's changed?  Have I simply rediscovered a love for this particular passion?  Am I overwhelmed with the need to change?  Am I trying to get myself out there and 'known'? 

 

Nope.

 

There's the cold hard truth.  Not at all. 

 

So what's got me banging away at the keyboard nonstop?  I need to distract myself. 

 

Yup, my blog is my Chinese finger torture device.  It'll keep you occupied so you don't have to think of anything other than how to get out of it.

 

That analogy may have sucked but it's no less true. 

 

I'm in desperate need to stop thinking.  This is a difficult task for one who analyzes and over-analyzes nearly everything under the sun which includes how an ant must feel when it's separated from it's family.  Yes, I ponder these scenarios and often become verklempted despite how stupid the thoughts may be.  All I can say here is, I'm sort of sensitive.

 

And this particular brand of sensitivity gets me into all sorts of trouble including the over-analyzing bit.  Even when things seem so straight forward and clean cut, I'll muddy it up with out there theories that will throw me off balance, will make me question intent and moreover cause me to lose faith.  This is some stupid stuff here, Folks.  Being an intellectual is one thing, being a conspiracy theorist, totally different.  Not that I'm saying I believe anyone is conspiring against me regarding anything (I'm not that cray) but I oft find myself questioning why someone does something they do simply because it seems too 'nice'.  Seriously?  What the hell is wrong with me?  I've always considered myself a pessimist but this actually does boarder on psychotic.

 

Anyhow back to the topic at hand:  The reason I'm trying to distract myself is because in my very recent past I've made something a big part of my existence and have focused all my attention/efforts solely on it, to nurture, love, support, blah blah blah, it.  However, temporarily (and I emphasis this word) that very focus has gone missing or rather it has to be put away and I simply don't know what to do without it.  The void is vast and although every molecule in my being tells me that it will be returned sooner than later,  becoming as active in my life as before, my brain has been working overtime, once again analyzing and reanalyzing everything about it.  The worse question being: will it actually return.  It's exhausting. 

 

I haven't slept well (at all) due to this and when I fall into a restless slumber, it's full of dreams that exacerbate the negativity.  I wake up tired, groggy and feeling sick to my stomach. 

 

Oh, by the way, it's not lost on me that I've provided no specifics into what's twisting me into knots.  I'm sure that a lot of you are out there even know gritting your teeth thinking, "I hate this mystery-inducin' biatch" but as I've written countless times in the past, there are some parts of my life that are uber private and not even my blog will be privy to certain information.  I've apologized before, so deal.

 

This situation though with me brings to light a fantastic quote that I was reminded of yesterday by my bestie:  

 

If you love something let it go.
If it comes back to you,it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.  

-Unknown

 

I've been telling myself this is true.  Nothing truly belongs to me other than myself (and not even that), so can I really mourn something that I never had the right over to begin with?  But then again, why did I have it in the first place?  Why was it ever given to me only to be snatched away?  These are questions that I would love to ask the Big Guy over chai and garam garam samosa's.  But for now I suppose I'll be in the dark just like every other damn person on earth.

 

If in case you haven't guessed by just reading my words/thoughts/deeds I'm very much a  Type A sort of personality.  Nearly almost all of it is true for me.  I don't like laziness, I'm not into people who procrastinate when something really needs to be done and I'm not down with under achievers who bitch about life.  To them I say: you'd have nothing to bitch about if you got off your lazy, procrastinating butt and just did whatever it was that you were supposed to do in the first place. 

 

Another big trait of person like me is that we abhor being left in an informational black hole.  We absolutely HATE it.  Stop it, just stop!  It robs us of all control which is key to keep us calm.  If you know someone like myself and dislike how they can become slightly psychotic when you're not sharing information that they may have the right to know, do yourself a favor and just SHARE IT.  Jeez it's not that difficult.  And know this too, until we get what we want/need we just won't stop pushing/looking/digging for the answers.  That's our genetic make up, don't be mad.  I mean if someone is a wet doormat, it's probably ingrained into their DNA somehow or if someone likes to eat baked beans before bed because their grandpa did as well as a whole host of ancestors...well I mean you can't blame genetics but possibly their environment and we are after all a slave to it.

 

Wait...what was I saying?

 

Oh yea, so I'm trying to distract myself and seems like my blog win's #1 Distractor of the Year award.  I feel a lot of comfort in putting words down, to be truthful.  Actually, when I write I'm so focused that I barely notice time slipping by.  This is precisely what I'm looking for, what I crave most.  The need not to have to think of anything other than what it is I'm doing releases me from a lot of internal turmoil and more importantly doubts.  I'm far too alpha and far too in control to even entertain 'doubts' yet I struggle with them all the time. 

 

The other option would be to sleep but as you all know, that isn't happening.  Sleep and I are mortal enemies for the most part.  And besides I have a job which demands that I actually work therefore sleeping days away into oblivion is not an option, as long as I want to keep a roof over my head or food in my belly.  I often wonder how others get away with it.  I mean how do you just shut the everyday in order to deal with pain by sleeping it away?  I mean don't you got people to do and things to see?  Erm...I meant that the other way around...my bad.  Heh.

 

So the struggle continues.  14th day of the year is slowly crawling by.  Tomorrow will be bad.  I can already tell you this and I will most likely reiterate it as well in a longer more boring and mind numbing blog full of angst and sorrow.  Tomorrow.  Will.  Be.  Bad. 

 

...And I will.