Years ago I went on a very specific quest. I did so quietly and with intensity that
rivaled the Crusades, I’m fairly certain.
Ahem.
I could not share the knowledge of this quest with any males
who were in my life for they would have either looked at me like I was crazy or
scoffed outright. I wasn’t interested in
that sort of negativity. But my female
friends? Ah…they were a totally
different story.
The Quest: The
perfect red lipstick.
The Purpose: Too look
like those women on TV, of course.
I would say that at this point, you men can just click off
this blog and go on your merry way but my friendly suggestion is that you keep
reading to properly understand the struggles women have to deal with. And hopefully by the end of this blog, you’ll
look at your women folk and be able to say with true appreciation, “that
lipstick looks great on you” without feeling emasculated.
Moving right along...what does the perfect red lipstick look like? Something like this:
Actually she probably goes far beyond perfect lipstick and right into perfect lips, eyes, and all the rest...(hate her). She's stunning and no I don't know who she is so don't bother asking. But see how gorgeous those lips are? See how luscious and tempting? THAT'S what we women hope to achieve while conveniently forgetting that she's a model so therefore achieving something quite this perfect is far beyond our reach but that's neither here nor there.
I want to look like that. I don't though. But I was bound and determine to at least go on the quest to see if I could. So the first step was probably the worst. It was the 'hit or miss' one which is also incidentally the most expensive. This is where you go off and buy all sorts of 'red' sticks that you think will do the job from various name brands and various locations. It's exhausting.
Next step? Now, most girls can be sympathetic to how frustrating and annoying this one is because well...it's frustrating and annoying and no guarantees are attached to it. This is the trial phase. Rest assured that no lipstick looks the same on your lips as it does in the tube. I'm sorry but I've never seen a true representation of any color, any where. So you can go ahead and stand at the fancy stores swiping a trail of it against the outside part of your hand but you still won't know and even if you do apply a layer to your lips, you still won't see precisely how good/bad it is because the lighting in them there stores are totally not the same as the weak stuff that you have home. And then there's your outfit...
So you carry your booty (or bootay) home and excitedly open your purchases, pausing to momentarily fawn over the smooth never-touched-before slanty surface, almost loathe to mess with the pure perfection of it, but you tell yourself, no time like the present. Being careful to wipe your lips clean you carefully apply to hopeful quivering lips, even if you're presently in ratty tatty sweats. Here are a variations of what you may see:
And although test trials where you've just wasted about 9 bucks a tube is disappointing, want to know what's worse?
You scowl, glare at the now offending sticks that had been placed on your vanity with such love and care but moments ago, resisting the urge to knock them all down like bowling pins, and relegate them to a place in hell as you sit on your sofa/chair/bed/floor/edge of tub with your head held in your hands feeling as if you've been deeply disappointed and all your efforts have been foiled.
Next step is panic. You are convinced that you will never find the elusive perfect shade of red although you're sure it's out there.
You then move into the 'I give up' stage where you basically...give up. This is pretty cowardly but it's a necessity at the same time because following shortly on the heels of this is the 'oh hell look at her beautiful red lips!' stage as you chase a perfect stranger down to ask them breathlessly where they purchased that to-die-for color. Okay, so this may be extreme and it may not have been a stranger that you asked but possibly a friend/neighbor/hated relative. Regardless of the person, you take names and try to gulp back the bile upon hearing the price tag and off you go.
Move forward to possibly months or years later. You're spirit is a little broke from the trials and tribulations that you've suffered, your feet are perpetually throbbing from the miles you've probably trod through malls and stores, and your pocket book is a lot lighter. But you have it...oh god you have it. The perfect most amazing shade of red that looks red in every freakin' light. And you get so excited for the first time you can wear it because now that you have it, it's on biatchesssssssssss....And you pray, pray, pray that the first time you step out sporting it, you look like this:
NOT this:
I want to look like that. I don't though. But I was bound and determine to at least go on the quest to see if I could. So the first step was probably the worst. It was the 'hit or miss' one which is also incidentally the most expensive. This is where you go off and buy all sorts of 'red' sticks that you think will do the job from various name brands and various locations. It's exhausting.
Next step? Now, most girls can be sympathetic to how frustrating and annoying this one is because well...it's frustrating and annoying and no guarantees are attached to it. This is the trial phase. Rest assured that no lipstick looks the same on your lips as it does in the tube. I'm sorry but I've never seen a true representation of any color, any where. So you can go ahead and stand at the fancy stores swiping a trail of it against the outside part of your hand but you still won't know and even if you do apply a layer to your lips, you still won't see precisely how good/bad it is because the lighting in them there stores are totally not the same as the weak stuff that you have home. And then there's your outfit...
So you carry your booty (or bootay) home and excitedly open your purchases, pausing to momentarily fawn over the smooth never-touched-before slanty surface, almost loathe to mess with the pure perfection of it, but you tell yourself, no time like the present. Being careful to wipe your lips clean you carefully apply to hopeful quivering lips, even if you're presently in ratty tatty sweats. Here are a variations of what you may see:
 |
| What the hell is this color? |
 |
| No, not red :| |
 |
| So not red! |
 |
| Way the hell off... :\ |
 |
| Scrub madly until you get all the remnants of whatever this color is...off. o.O |
And although test trials where you've just wasted about 9 bucks a tube is disappointing, want to know what's worse?
You scowl, glare at the now offending sticks that had been placed on your vanity with such love and care but moments ago, resisting the urge to knock them all down like bowling pins, and relegate them to a place in hell as you sit on your sofa/chair/bed/floor/edge of tub with your head held in your hands feeling as if you've been deeply disappointed and all your efforts have been foiled.
Next step is panic. You are convinced that you will never find the elusive perfect shade of red although you're sure it's out there.
You then move into the 'I give up' stage where you basically...give up. This is pretty cowardly but it's a necessity at the same time because following shortly on the heels of this is the 'oh hell look at her beautiful red lips!' stage as you chase a perfect stranger down to ask them breathlessly where they purchased that to-die-for color. Okay, so this may be extreme and it may not have been a stranger that you asked but possibly a friend/neighbor/hated relative. Regardless of the person, you take names and try to gulp back the bile upon hearing the price tag and off you go.
Move forward to possibly months or years later. You're spirit is a little broke from the trials and tribulations that you've suffered, your feet are perpetually throbbing from the miles you've probably trod through malls and stores, and your pocket book is a lot lighter. But you have it...oh god you have it. The perfect most amazing shade of red that looks red in every freakin' light. And you get so excited for the first time you can wear it because now that you have it, it's on biatchesssssssssss....And you pray, pray, pray that the first time you step out sporting it, you look like this:
You think that's the end, right? That there can't possibly be more steps involved? Well guess what? There is...one more. And it's a crucial one.
It's the 'Is this too much?' stage.
Let me explain this one by painting a picture of sorts: The perfect night approaches. It will be wondrous. You go through agony to pick out the perfect outfit for this one perfect night. You take time and care to prep, scrubbing, washing, plucking, waxing, perfuming, lotioning all the 'good bits' and when applying make-up, you lean very close to the mirror to get it just right, possibly starting all over again a few times. The heels are ready, the clutch sitting on the bed, the perfect accessories have been picked out and placed on the dressing table in anticipation. And then last...the lipstick. It usually will go on after the clothes are slithered into, straps gently put in place and zippers are pulled up.
You put on this lipstick that has been waiting patiently, the one you've been searching high and low for, the one that you've invested way too much money on and had you not, you could have probably paid off your mortgage and then comes the moment of application. It's a solemn event.
Many of you may assume that some celestial chorus starts to sing 'hallelujah' and that's a wrap. But this is where the last step truly comes to fruition. This is when you start looking at every single close female friend and say 'is this too much?' voice laced with a slight trace of panic and you're dead serious. You want honesty, damn it! Even as you're standing at the mirror right after applying, you resist the stomach churning urge to wipe it away and go back to the boring old whateverthatshadeis lipgloss/stick that you've been using forever because it's safe and boring and did I mention boring? And you will remain somehow inconspicuous and you didn't have time to whiten your teeth and you needed to because the red will only spotlight how yellow your pearly "whites" truly are...
Yes, insecurity in it's worst form is truly the last step as it settles in and you got to fight some serious demons before stepping out into the night and face the world. You have to accept all the catty mental comments other women are probably making and be extra careful with what you brush against because it could leave a permanent pigment. You have to constantly check your teeth with the flat of your tongue or hold a spoon up to see if a swipe of it has been left behind, you must reapply every few hours because faded red lips are so not cool. To be honest, it's all very complicated, as you can tell but at the end? So very worth it!
Did I ever find my perfect shade? Yup, I sure did. I often forget to wear it but when I do...KAPOW...it's magic.
On to the next blog...
It's the 'Is this too much?' stage.
Let me explain this one by painting a picture of sorts: The perfect night approaches. It will be wondrous. You go through agony to pick out the perfect outfit for this one perfect night. You take time and care to prep, scrubbing, washing, plucking, waxing, perfuming, lotioning all the 'good bits' and when applying make-up, you lean very close to the mirror to get it just right, possibly starting all over again a few times. The heels are ready, the clutch sitting on the bed, the perfect accessories have been picked out and placed on the dressing table in anticipation. And then last...the lipstick. It usually will go on after the clothes are slithered into, straps gently put in place and zippers are pulled up.
You put on this lipstick that has been waiting patiently, the one you've been searching high and low for, the one that you've invested way too much money on and had you not, you could have probably paid off your mortgage and then comes the moment of application. It's a solemn event.
Many of you may assume that some celestial chorus starts to sing 'hallelujah' and that's a wrap. But this is where the last step truly comes to fruition. This is when you start looking at every single close female friend and say 'is this too much?' voice laced with a slight trace of panic and you're dead serious. You want honesty, damn it! Even as you're standing at the mirror right after applying, you resist the stomach churning urge to wipe it away and go back to the boring old whateverthatshadeis lipgloss/stick that you've been using forever because it's safe and boring and did I mention boring? And you will remain somehow inconspicuous and you didn't have time to whiten your teeth and you needed to because the red will only spotlight how yellow your pearly "whites" truly are...
Yes, insecurity in it's worst form is truly the last step as it settles in and you got to fight some serious demons before stepping out into the night and face the world. You have to accept all the catty mental comments other women are probably making and be extra careful with what you brush against because it could leave a permanent pigment. You have to constantly check your teeth with the flat of your tongue or hold a spoon up to see if a swipe of it has been left behind, you must reapply every few hours because faded red lips are so not cool. To be honest, it's all very complicated, as you can tell but at the end? So very worth it!
Did I ever find my perfect shade? Yup, I sure did. I often forget to wear it but when I do...KAPOW...it's magic.
On to the next blog...
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