Last night a snow storm slammed into the upper Northeast corridor of the states causing panic and mayhem. Store shelves were rid of water, milk, eggs, Spam and whatnot. For you who don't know what Spam is, take a look:
One word for this stuff: Yuck.
Processed meat = No bueno.
Anyhow, the snow also visited us here in DC but it fluttered down like cotton, turning into a fine mist at times, and at others far more fierce. I stood at the window for a long time watching because although we've had two other 'storms' (if one could call them that at all), neither times had I been an observer. Usually I would get up in the morning and there it was, in all its white glory. But this one I watched and a nice calm stole over me.
Pretty big difference from the blog I just posted earlier today. That was full of anger and disgust for certain types of human beings that walk amongst us. Some people will fling plates, punch walls or go for a long fury filled run to dispel some of the angst building up inside of them. I blog. That's just how I roll. Once the emotions are out on paper, it's as if I've purged. After that things are way better, I can think straight, smile and laugh. My heart lightens and I can find a reason to make others laugh.
Here it is, Folks. I don't live in my misery. Well, not for long. I may shoot off some blogs about how things are going bad, be downright mysterious about my problems, groan and moan about how life is unfair and how I may have been done wrong. I may even plot revenge (usually for a short amount of time) or gather together a comeback of epic proportions yet at the end of the day, I can't live there.
What's this mean anyway? Where is this 'there'? Well, it's that place that is dark and full of resentment and rage. I go there not too often but when I visit, let's just say it's best that no one shows me the direction because I find myself very comfy. I can embrace the dark as much as I embrace the light. I try hard not to totally become immersed but life doesn't always allow me to tra-la-la along as I hope, letting me mind my own business.
And I find myself in that place where nothing matters but anger. I stew in it, live in it and it drags me down till I'm shaking. But that feeling sucks. I mean really sucks.
Due to the severe disinterest in feeling this way, I try to come out of this particular sort of funk as fast as I can. Today, I'm out. Yes, there are lingering resentments simmering within my soul however, I'll be able to get over that quickly enough in a few more days. I also know I will relapse here and there but for the most part, it's gone. How can I do this so quickly, you may wonder? Am I just that fickle? Nah, it's not that at all.
There is a two-part explanation for this:
First, the reason I forgive so easily (don't mistake that with forgetting, I have the memory of an elephant) is because I believe that when you remain angry at anyone, ever, then you are allowing them to control you, rule over you, even if they are nowhere close to you. I'm sorry, that I'm never willing to let happen for long. Sure, there are instants when someone has the upper hand on me, because I allow them to, because I give of myself but once my mind flips the switch from backbone-less to backbone, it's pretty much a wrap.
Forgiving isn't easy either, I've written about this before. It's a struggle. It's never for the other person either, always for me. But I will do it because when I mean it, even within my head, the invisible weight upon my heart also lifts and I can breathe again. Breathing is a good thing!
Second, I hit apathy. Again, I've written about this long ago in some blog far, far away (any gratuitous reference to Star Wars is always a win, if you ask me). I care and I care deeply. I care even when I shouldn't, I care with all of myself and I give with all my heart. I also am so very patient and forgiving. I give infinite chances for someone to correct themselves while clinging to the belief that some part of their inner conscience will kick in and they will just knock it off. I convince myself that they (whoever 'they' are) will recognize that good people in this world are indeed hard to come by and we should hold on to those when we find them. But no...some just keep pushing and pushing and...and eventually I have no where to go. I can not step back, step to either side nor get past them. I am with my back against a wall.
This is the point where full on apathy hits me. I don't care even a grain of sand about you at this point. I push back. Know this now. I will not give a high damn whether you're here or there, what shape you're in, what's going on with you, if you need help...nothing. I'm dead inside to some degree, or at least any latent feelings for the individual in question has been murdered by my own hands. Don't be angry at me for turning into this person, I don't even like that person. I don't like turning into her but I will. And in the process of being pushed I've often warned people, "don't push me to apathy, just don't". When that happens, the fun-loving, empathetic, sympathetic woman before you turns into a frozen b*atch who would walk by you without a glimmer of recognition.
Just sayin'.
Yup, so I'm out of that fun...for now. Thank god. I was sort of getting on my own nerves which is kinda pathetic. I've been able to get some clarity and more importantly look inside myself to see what makes me happy as well as who I am. I've had a lot of time to reflect and this...this one simple action, is worth all the anger and hurt. Because without it, I would never have looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and said out loud, "you're worth it, don't settle for less".
Damn skippy I am, and people best recognize.
No comments:
Post a Comment