Don't read on if you do not appreciate any sort of gratuitous profanity. I'm sure my mother will be disappointed in me once she's done but there are times when we have to let it out and there's nothing better than to use a string of words that are graphic in nature and unapologetic in content. THIS is that one for me. I am fully unashamed of what is to follow. DO NOT read it if you are easily offended, I implore you.
This blog is dedicated to anyone who ever thought that you can fuck a person over and that life will still reward you richly. THINK AGAIN.
So...you presume yourself to be the center of the universe, do you? You think that you got your shit in order, that you're moving along just fine, that the rest of the world is pretty much lucky to have you, right? You may not say it in spoken words, you may not think the words aloud but you sure do walk around that way, nose high in the air, looking down upon the rest of humanity thinking, "I'm so much more awesome than you and I don't need anyone but me". Is that how you think?
Look Sunshine, here's a reality check. You are nothing but a soul that has been put on this plain to exist for a fraction of a second in a blip of time. You are spam, just as I am, just as everyone I know is as well. We, in the grand scheme of things, make no difference but you think otherwise, don't you? You believe that no matter how many people you fuck over, no matter how many people you treat badly, no matter how many people you've hurt, you can just say, 'well I didn't mean to..." and all will be forgiven? You think that because you've suffered some difficulties in life you get a free hall-pass for bad behavior? Not quite.
Here's the facts as they are. You can go blue in the face explaining your actions, why you turned out the way you did, why you retreat and run. You can write a book the size of War and Peace yet none of your excuses hold water, not a damn one. Because ultimately since you are not the only 'special snowflake' in this whole wide universe, which means that there is the off chance that someone else has suffered the same if not way worse than yourself. (Read the sarcasm in that line)
And what...you feel so very accomplished that that you're not as bad as you could be that you've managed to convince yourself that you are a 'reasonable' person, even go so far as to categorize yourself as 'caring', 'loving', 'kind'? No, no sweetie, you're not. You are a smug egotistical jackass whose feet must be tired from running away from the consequences of your equally selfish behavior but you're so clued out of reality that you don't even feel the ache. You claim to be a person who stands by others when in reality you will use whomever until you tire and then you get up and off you go ignoring what/who you've left behind because somewhere in your pea-sized brain which is coupled with your overinflated sense of 'self' you believe that everyone in the world will be waiting for you when you're ready to come back. Why? Because that's how it has always been, hasn't it?
Here's an important question for anyone out there who is like this: Who are you running from anyhow? Have you stopped to ask yourself? Who? Those who have supported and loved you back without compromise? That parent who has believed in the way she/he brought you up as a good person; that child who blindly trusts you to always protect and just be there; that spouse/lover who thought that you were everything even when you treated them back as if they were nothing? Possibly you're zooming away from that friend who held your hand and led you towards a light you didn't see in that darkness you were traversing; or the sibling who holds onto the belief that you will, today...contact them and show them relevance. Those are the ones who you run from? How very sad for you.
If the only close connections you have in your life are faces on a screen as well as characters typed upon a blank page, then you're worse off than you ever imagined. If the only close ties you have are temporary at best, to mollify your need for relevance and importance because you've already hurt so many before, than you have yet to accept that karma is but lurking around the corner waiting to jump you and beat the shit out of you.
As for those folks you left behind in your selfish pursuit of 'you', let me tell you about them. They will be the ones who sleep well because ultimately with time they already was able to recognize you for precisely who you were/are. May be they are also the ones who never held you accountable for your past deeds. When you were acting like a jackoff, they weren't the ones who said, 'stop it, this is unacceptable'. Instead they coddled you in hopes you will not behave like that again. But alas, their hopes have been dashed, over and over again and now they just live with it. And the others? They also will move on. They will rest knowing that they did what they needed, showed you human kindness that isn't in fact common out there. May be they will get satisfaction out of the fact that when you did need it, they were there for you even if some part of them is resentful that you really weren't ever there for them.
And that's the crux of this, truly. You're inability to be there for anyone other than yourself. Your selfish motivations and desires, the ones that lead you to move nonstop instead of sitting still. If you stop, are you afraid that your demons will haunt you? Do you avoid being still because the worst things are the voices in your own head which whisper, 'you shouldn't have...', 'why?' and fill your head with doubt and shame? And the why's do not stop, do they? At one point or another you will stop, you will be forced to, our bodies will require us to and those are the moments of utter silence, between awakeness and sleep where you will be facing your own nightmare. They remind you of the fact that you are not precisely the knight in shining armor that you thought yourself to be. You're not Superman, hell you're not even Clark Kent. You were in fact all along, the Riddler. You confused, confound, take and without a thought and with a flick of your hand you're gone.
This is the reality. This is the truth. Everything I wrote above is not pointed at one person and one person alone, no. If that were the issue I would send a direct message. Rather this is aimed at all the selfish fuckers in the world who have scraped by thinking that karma will never get them, that the fates are on their sides. Maybe they think that they've suffered so much themselves that they've had their fair share and therefore will get no more? Funny thing about that is that you would think with people like this, particularly those who know heartbreak and loss and loneliness, they would be the ones who will stand stronger, be steadier, be the rock that they should be and have a conscience that wouldn't allow them to cause pain to anyone else like they've been given themselves. Instead they learn nothing from their own struggles. Their megalomaniac dumbasses will continue on the road of life thinking that the world owes them, while they owe nothing. And what they've already given, their mere presence, is apparently enough (to them). What a joke.
And what's left behind is a string of broken promises, half truths, gigantic hurts that could rip a soul asunder. It would cause a mother to doubt her parenting, a sister to turn away in disgust, a friend to delete your number and a lover to close the door permanently upon your face. Oh the other thing left behind? Baad-dua. In Islam that means 'curses'. Not the type that witches cast, don't get me wrong, these are way worse. These are those wishes that come from the depth and pain of the heart, that escape in tears when someone whispers, 'you hurt me...how could you have done this to me...you will regret this one day...' and they mean it not out of spite but out of fact. Fear these tears. Fear them because God listens to these tears, God watches and God waits.
There is a lot of venom in what I wrote. I repeat this is not aimed at anyone in particular. Instead this is for anyone I've ever known who is like this and anyone that you know who is similar. You may very well be seeing that person in your minds eye and grimacing in disgust or flinching in pain while reading my words. I'm sorry to remind you but I do it because...well frankly I'm sick and tired of these particular types of human beings. They are smooth and shiny, they give off the air of love and instill within you trust and confidence. You don't see what is under all that though, the glitter is so beautiful to behold. You half way convince yourself that you don't deserve such amazingness. You don't see the slight selfishness in the beginning until it's too late or because even if you did see it, you would rather ignore it. And as time goes by and the hurt they deal out to you like a deck of cards becomes worse as well as frequent, you struggle with the memories of the person they once were. By the time you've figured them out, ironically enough still accepting them for whomever they are, they've decided to leave you because possibly you've had the nerves of calling them out, holding up a mirror into their own soul, even uttering the words, 'please stop hurting me'. They don't know why they do it, they can't explain it, the answer is always, 'I don't know' and yes they mean that at the moment but they can't look into that mirror because they hate the ugliness there. Mind you, they don't want to fix it, they just don't want to look.
Or maybe some of your own negatives are now the excuses he/she uses to leave. Whatever works in a storm, eh?
Cling to whatever reason you want, say whatever you wish, give all the excuses under the sun and star filled sky, the fact is YOU will never be able to run from your reality. YOU are a coward. You cannot man/woman up to anything. You will always be losing constantly what is most precious, most good, most perfect for you in chase of something that turns out to be empty. And trust me when I say that one day karma WILL be waiting around the corner with that bat to clobber you. That very thing you're running to? That thing you want now, because it fits your world now? Because it is accessible and wonderful and fresh and new and all those other things? That will prove to be YOUR ruination. One day, you will learn what it is to really truly hurt an innocent, but alas only when that happens to you and at that moment of utter soul shaking gut wrenching realization of what you've done?...God help you.
When you come running back looking desperately for those you left in your dust, your sneakers/shoes/heels on fire, you will have NO ONE left to show you sympathy. You will be faced with hardened hearts that once beat with love for you but now...nothing. Well guess what happens to hearts when they are ripped from ones chest? They shrivel and die and stop working. That's what you did, that's what you made happen with your cowardice and selfishness. So continue your run. Turn your back against love/commitment/good intensions/the steady ones...run till the end of time, run long and hard. You're welcome to it. Let's see how far you go before you come face-to-face with your past deeds. Until then?
Good luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment