Knowing that today would be hard made it no easier to get up and face it. I laid in bed with my eyes tightly shut hoping that I could will it to be Friday. Didn't happen, in case you were wondering. I wasn't able to, within that short span of time, discover a transport through time. Much the pity.
And knowing how my mind works (obsessive), the fact that I was somewhat mentally "prepared" for today will make it no easier to get through it either.
You know what I wanted to do? Pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away. Hey, that may actually be a sort of time machine, don't you think? But regardless of this fairly do-able fantasy, I once again had to think about mortgages that needed to be paid, electricity bills that have to be ponied up for otherwise I'd be freezing my buns off in this weather, and future boot purchases that are yet to be realized. Yea, I gotta stay in my lane and keep trudging forward.
Now that I'm in the office, the only word that I can describe my attitude to be is 'listless'. I can't seem to sit still yet I have nowhere to go. I hate these sorts of days. It's like the energy to pick up my Starbucks and take a sip isn't even present. It's just sitting here staring at me. And I stare back and like earlier, almost will it to come to my lips as opposed to vice versa. Another dream crushed.
My stomach is also in knots, even as I go back and forth between writing this blog and working. My heart seems to be throbbing around the edges, which is a not-so-great feeling and I'm seriously considering running away to become a hermit under a bridge. Main source of income: toll. Although knowing me, this won't help, I'll just be homeless and still overthinking everything like: why didn't he/she pay? Why did they speak to me that way? Do I smell?
Here's the brutal fact, I'm not about to find any sort of relief whatsoever, definitely not today and maybe not anytime soon. The only way that would happen isn't going to happen immediately and even though my intellect knows this, somewhere deep in my soul I think my heart is holding hope for a miracle. Again, I'm speaking in riddles but just please bear with me. I swear I will be better...eventually. This maudlin woe-is-me behavior will one day (hopefully sooner than later) be gone and this Rubi will be replaced by the smart-mouthed sarcastic woman that you've come to love.
Since I'm already here though, let me take full advantage of it and inundate you with some pretty damn sappy sentiment that will bring me zero comfort but it's good to share and as they say 'sharing is caring'. What a bunch of bull.
Okay my attitude needs to change ASAP. At least I haven't hit the 'I'm going to sit here and cry for no apparent reason' stage which probably is the best when your day is absolutely rife with meetings back-to-back. I hope I have enough eyeliner in my purse.
So here we go, those 'inspirational' pictures that I hope...inspire you, bring you comfort, make you nod and go "this helps" or better yet, one that you'll want to share with someone else:
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| Not if you got a "wide load" :\ No one wants to see that. |
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| Amen. I sure am not. |
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| In 42 years, I still don't get me. |
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| Oh yea, my hair reminds me at every opportunity it can. -_- |
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| I have to remind myself of this every blasted day. |
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| I'm dead...laughing so hard with this one. |
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| Yea, but you fight it like hell. |
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| This one is sorta dark but my pessimistic side really gets it. |
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| This is dark also, but to be honest, this gets to the truth of everything...we will die. Don't waste time. |
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| That's right, I'm a gift damn it, wrap me up and put a bow on me! |
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| Word. |
Okay, it's been a few hours since I started to write this blog. Nothing has improved...absolutely nothing but I've found things that have in fact distracted me, like a training that was so mind-numbing that I think some of my brains leaked out of my ears. I went cross-eyed on enough occasions that I was afraid they would stay permanently thus (if someone whacked me on the back).
Sort of sucks that the day has hardly moved along and the night looms before me. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself at this point, probably slug it on home and do...something. Wouldn't it be nice to have a switch in our brains that you can flip off so that you don't have to continuously think? Where did the good ol' days of NO communication, where in order to be 'connected' you had to fight for the cordless or dial-in using a modem. At least then you wouldn't be either hovering around your computer or checking your smartphone every 2 seconds for something!!!
*Breathes*
Frankly, I'm tempted to take some sleep meds, crawl into bed and hope that by the time tomorrow dawns, things will be a bit better but I seriously doubt that and I'm so not down with the whole sleep aid thing. Nothing will make me want to do nonsense like that. I haven't lost my mind in any way, shape or form.
Let me take another moment to say this: I know a few of you (and thank you for reaching out to me to show your girl some solidarity) are a bit concerned as you read my blogs (and behold FB status updates or posts). They've most certainly taken on a very...dark...turn. But let me assure you, I am going through nothing more than any other human being has ever gone through in the history of the world and humankind. Far many have dealt with a metric ton worse, while others, not so much.
With every up, there's a down. I recognize this. For every good, a bad. I know this also. Nothing stays static, nothing remains the same, everything keeps evolving and changing. These are things I not only know, but have reminded friends on various occasions. It's harder to remember when one feels as if the world has just tumbled off it's own access, get my drift? I'm a bit of an emo person and couple that with writing being my primary source of release and you have a lot of words that make no sense but reflect deep emotions. I'm sort of also taking you all on this bizarre mysterious journey with me. Just suffice it to say everything that I'm going through right now isn't really extraordinary. Millions have suffered the same and come out of it just fine, some may have not, I don't know where I'll fall in this crapshoot we call life.
But again I stress, I'm okay. If I can write it, I mean it.
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