Still Here

We're into day 12 of the year and things have been...happening.  A lot of things but I'll resist in throwing up my problems all over this blog.

 

However (comma) I'll give a recap of a few highlights for your reading pleasure:

 

A friend and I are taking a break from each other.  I'm not sure how long this will last, I'm not sure how I even feel about it, I know it's a wise decision but it doesn't hurt any less.  I'm going to be patient and carry on, at least I'm trying.  I won't speak more about this because it's sort of hard and I'm still wrapping my mind around the absence of someone important in my world.  I'm just trying to retain belief that as I miss this person, I'm being missed in turn and that...well we will manage to hash this out and be back to where we were supposed to be.  God knows best.

 

Moving on...

 

On Friday night, I had a great mental reprieve in the form of a dear friend who came into town.  At one time, she was my 'every day'.  You know what that is?  An every day is a person who is literally part of your life so much that you can't imagine it without them.  Well eventually I had to because she moved far, far away (specifically California) to escape a bad breakup.  At that time I wasn't sure if she was running away or looking for a fresh start due to a sense of stagnation.  The fact is her instincts were on point and she's thriving.  I'm doing my best in trying to convince her to move back to this area after she completes school there and I think the chipping away is slowly working. 

 

Being with her again though was like coming home to something so wonderful and familiar.  My soul felt soothed and like any good solid friendship, as soon as we finished hugging for 5 minutes straight, it was like no time had elapsed since we last saw each other.  I filled her in, she filled me in, we swapped advice, laughed and yes, we even cried together.  I went home missing her 10x's as much as I did before I saw her simply because it reminded me of the void in my life without my 'every day'.

 

I don't know about you but one of the biggest blessings in my life has been the ability to not only make but retain a handful of incredibly singular individuals who have very much enhanced my life experience and who have allowed me to be their friend.  I use the word 'allow' with a lot of thought for no matter how I would want them to be apart of their lives, if they didn't want the same then well...I'm talking to air, right?  Anyhow, my friends have brought so much to me through the years that indeed no matter how far away they are it just doesn't matter because their words reverberate within my being and their love surrounds me always.  I am, without a doubt, a blessed (yes, I'm being terribly redundant) woman to have these sorts of individuals who are the soul reason that I somehow still manage to retain a bit of hope for humanity.

 

In the process of unloading a lot of what has happened in the last year and half, I was able to lighten my mind along with my heart as well.  In the past I had always been her go-to person in private matters and although she hasn't been around, that hasn't meant that I still am not nor that I wouldn't share with her even if she can't help me at the moment I need it due to timing.  I'm glad that in the span of the 6 hours we had together, I came away with a very specific thought, which took her to remind me:  People don't leave me, I leave them.

 

Sounds totally screwed up and slightly narcissistic, right?  Yea, but let me explain.  What she meant by that was that I have been the type of person who gives, and gives, and gives till honestly I can't give anymore.  I am very patient and will stand by a person, using their life excuses as legit ones to explain away bad behavior, rudeness or inconsiderate actions but eventually, I too will throw in the towel.  You have to honestly push extreme limits before I do something like this.  Verily I take no joy in it but when apathy, true honest to goodness I-don't-care-about-you-so-go-jump-into-a-lake apathy comes knocking?  Well, I'm gone.  I've done this less than a dozen times in my life which is very little considering I'm 42.  And once I'm walked away, that other person has possibly lost within me a confidant, a friend, a mother, a sister, a therapist...so many things and as the old saying goes, 'you never know what you've lost until it's gone'.  Straight up and the problem is that most of the people I've walked away from because they've simply given me no other choice?  They come back and admit their mistakes and ask for me to 'come back'.

 

I do forgive, that I can accomplish fairly easily.  I mean, I'm human also and I've screwed up far too many times in my life to not accept when others do.  When I ask for forgiveness, I expect it to be given when the person feels as if they truly can and not hold my past deeds against me as we move forward in our relationship.  I am also intelligent enough to be aware of the fact that while we humans can forgive, we don't necessarily forget and we shouldn't expect a clean slate every single time.  A bit of something will always be retained and remembered although moving on, if one loves enough, can happen without thought. or restraint.

 

In her reminding me that "people don't leave you, you leave them" I recalled in one fell swoop that I need to have more confidence in myself.  That I am worth having in anyone's life and if that makes me a narcissist, then so be it.  Lesson learned.

 

On Saturday we had the most recent 3 month program.  I've mentioned these before.  My dad's students get together and perform to their 'colleagues' otherwise known as other students.  It's usually an intimate house program consisting of approximately 100 - 150 people (some of you may be thinking, 'dang, that's who big my wedding was' but this is how us brown folks roll).  There is dinner served and the atmosphere is all about the music.

 

My cousin and I performed also.  Considering that the last practice had been a dismal failure with both of us missing cues as well as interrupting each others solos, I didn't have much hope that this would go off without a snag.  In fact I fully expected for us to crash and burn.  We didn't, I'm happy to report.  I'm also vastly shocked at the same time.  I so need to practice more... 

 

The funny thing was, after our performance, I sat down next to the very aunt who hosts our Tuesday night music classes (therefore being an unwilling witness to the clusterF) and she looked at me in slight shock, grabbed my hand in relief and whispered under her breath, "I just wasn't sure what was going to happen tonight because your last class you really were a mess.  It's amazing how all your performances come off so well and you make no mistakes."

 

Man, no joke.  I couldn't have agreed with her more.  I smiled back, leaned in with a relieved smile of my own and whispered back, "God really watches after us."  Truth.

 

I'm now awaiting the day when even Allah will be like, "you two are on your own.  Peace!" and go off to smoke a hookah or read a good book while watching us make idiots of ourselves.  Gonna happen I tell you, gonna happen.

 

Sunday was nonstop action in the form of a bit of wedding (my cousins) shopping, cooking and cleaning up.  By the time I went to bed, I should have been exhausted but once again I was wide awake playing stupid games on my handheld, stalking Facebook folks and passively watching something or another on TV.  By the time I shut the phone down, my soul felt heavy again.

 

I suppose this is bound to happen.  When there is unrest in ones life, when something is missing, the soul is the first that feels the emptiness and it manifests itself into a deep ache within the body.  Until things are resolved, I suppose I'll just keep trying to...breathe.

 

Hope you're doing way better than myself.

 

Take care and smile, leaving people to wonder what the hell you're up to :)

And for your viewing pleasure, here's some food for thought: