You know what I realized? I need to love me.
Sounds a bit weird, dunnit? I mean, shouldn't I by default? Not really, if you know me at all. I haven't always loved me. I've in fact spent so many years of my existence avoiding my very reflection that sometimes I forget what I look like. I embraced the idea of self-loathing so fully that even if someone tried to tell me I was good, I would start to laugh derisively, hysterically. The person(s) giving the compliment never really appreciated this reaction but it was so in-bred in me in so many ways that I couldn't help it.
Now though, I've decided that I need to love me. A lot more. A hell of a lot more. Mainly because if I can't love me, then no ne else can. If I don't appreciate me (not to be confused with being egotistical) then no one else can. It's time to work on probably the hardest project I'll have to deal with...myself.
Joy. -_-
Man, why couldn't I have been born slightly more narcissistic? It would have been way easier although I probably wouldn't be well liked and not have such good true solid friends. Okay, seems like that reason is enough for me to get over the whole 'wanting to be a self centered prick' thing. (This makes me wonder though, is considering myself NOT narcissistic actually narcissistic because I feel like I'm better than those who are? Crap, another blog about this later, I've managed to confuse myself.)
Moving on...
But do I have any reasons to love myself, truly? Do I have any right at all to walk around with my head held high projecting to the world my confidence?
Who the hell knows. Maybe? I certainly hope so. Possibly at the end of this journey for me, I'll come out thinking, "well I could have spared myself the trouble" but then again I won't know until I take it, right? It's like that book Eat, Pray, Love. It truly is all about the knowledge you attain at the end, the embracing of ones demons, correcting those flaws that we can, accepting those we can't fix, becoming a better person thanks to it all.
But the basis of this is, am I worth knowing? Am I worth keeping in your life? I mean I have to sort of keep me in my life so that's a silly question to ask...but should I subject the rest of humanity to me or should I give up, find a cave and live there till my time on earth ends? Do I, in fact, bring any sort of positive to those around me? You may be thinking, why do you have to anyhow, but that's how I look at life. I think that we all have a purpose, a reason for being, and although we may never know what it is even after we kick the bucket, still it's there. I don't think God is trying to fill a quota on earth with how many souls He can send down here. I think there are much bigger reasons, even if it's as small as helping one's neighbor find his/her cat.
In order to answer the questions regarding whether I'm worth it at all...I did some soul searching. Sounds sort of hippy, don't it? But when you gotta, you gotta. I don't take this sort of thing lightly though. I commit to it fully facing some ugly truths if need be. At the end, the very reason why I'm banging out this particular entry is to share what I've discovered.
I'm worth loving. And here are all the reasons why:
I'm humble (doesn't seem like it when I'm saying I am but I am).
I'm giving (want a limb? Need a kidney? How about a big toe? Hair transplant?).
I'm caring (it is physically impossible for me to see someone in pain).
I'm empathetic (not to be confused with sympathetic; which I am as well).
I'm kind (a trait that is lost in a lot of people and no longer seems to be the norm).
I'm selfless (very rarely have I ever thought only and only about myself).
I'm fully cognizant of my fallacies (and am my harshest critic which pushes me to do better)
To me, these are enough reasons to know me. I can't speak of all the other traits that I may or not possess. I can't speak to them because they do not matter. How well I write, how funny I can be, how I can think 'out side of the box'...none of that is important. Do I speak the right sort of speak, do I walk the right sort of walk, am I the right color, gender, race...do I follow the fashion, do I laugh at the right things, am I politically correct...none of it freakin' matters. What's in my heart? Look at that. That's where all the secrets lay. Do I possess a heart that beats for others and feels pain? Do I despair at someone else's struggle and help if/where I can or am I the type of person that walks away 'to do me' and what you're going through is 'none of my business'? Sorry, can't. I care way too much and am super afraid that God will one day question me for it. Am I able to love without holding back, give of myself fully and expect nothing in return? Yes, oh yes. All I require is a semblance of kindness and consideration in return. Is that honestly asking for too much?
Will I also hurt you? Yea, I probably will but totally unintentionally (those who I hurt intentionally, I tell them ahead of time). Am I capable of marginalizing you? Well yes, but you really have to push hard in order to get me there. Do I have evilness lurking within me that struggles to get out? The battle is real folks, every single damn day. But that will be one that will keep being waged and Inshallah I will keep winning it.
All these negatives? I own this crap. I know who I am, there isn't another soul out in the universe who can define me better than myself. And before you tell me? I'll tell you first what I'm made up of. As I've said countless amounts of time, I embrace me, good, bad and ugly.
So yea, my journey begins at the beginning, which is unfortunately now. I am worth it. I am lovable and I deserve to be loved without reservation. I need to stop begging for scraps of attention, flutters of emotion and more importantly fleeting appreciation. I'm a good person and that's all I strive to be. I once told a friend that the biggest accomplishment that I work towards when I meet someone new is not to dazzle them with my looks or wit, my status or what I own, but it is to get them to say the following statement after I've left: She's nice.
That's it. That's all that I've ever wanted, to be considered nice. Anything beyond this that someone may think/state about me in a positive way is simply...blessings.
Have a good one folks, gotta run to music class which I am totally not prepared for but then again, what's new about that?
Ciao!
Oh, and day 20? Not too shabby.
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