Love Letter to End All Love Letters

 

Dearest Darling Sleep (Also known as My Master),

 

Why do you insist upon making a visit to me during the day, behaving like an over-affectionate lover at the most inappropriate moment (such as meetings or conference calls) while at night you elude me like a cheating bastard trying not to be caught?  Could I get one night to fall asleep within the confines of your loving arms, curled into you, at a reasonable hour that isn't in the single digits?  May you please find it within your beloved heart and considerate nature to possibly allow me to close my eyes without wondering if they will stay closed?  Is this really too much to ask for?  At one time you loved me so very much yet now you have forsaken me.  I am only asking for one complete night of rest where I wake up in the morning feeling refreshed.  Surely that is not demanding all the gold in Midas' chest, is it? 

 

Oh my dearest, I know your secret adoration for me, although you keep yourself aloof.  But why?  What have I done?  Why have you scoffed me, turned your back thus?  Did you not know that I have loved you from the depths and breathes of my soul, wanted to be one with you since the beginning of time, wanted you and only you.  Have I not spoken these very words to you in the darkness of the night when I called out to you brokenly?  Yes, My Heart, you are my desire.

I know that you want to come to me, you yearn to be with me and once more consummate our relationship.  I know that you care for me so that in the mornings you do not wish to see me struggle like this, that it rips your heart asunder.  I implore you, come to me.  I confess, I want to be normal again.  I wish so much to bound out of bed with a hop to my step instead of half-falling, half-tumbling out, groggy, head blurry, tongue glued to the top of the inside of the mouth.  How about just one morning where the bones don't hurt and the energy isn't dangerously at empty even before doing a thing?  You love me too much to see this consistently, I know.  I know you.

 

I accept you're busy, Sleep, accommodating so many others but this little chicka is in dire need of some of you.  Maybe I'm being greedy, possibly demanding too much but since you seem to always be avoiding me or simply possibly overlooking one of your heartfelt lovers, I think it's time you paid me a visit (*wink wink nudge nudge*).  I assure you, I'll do just about anything to convince you to come over.  Please also note the sultry (sleepy) look within the limpid pools of my eyes as well as the softening of my fulsome lips (or more like slack-jawed from sheer exhaustion). 

 

I can't possibly try to seduce you in any more ways than this, I don't believe.  I suppose I could also bribe you with food or something of that nature but alas due to my over-tired body, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to manage fixing up something worthy of your kind self.  Most likely in this state of mind, I would simply burn my home to the ground into nothing but cinders.  I'm sure that's not conducive to our coming together so let's not see that happen.

 

Tonight, My Glorious Love, I will go home, slip into "something comfortable" (flannel pj's) and wait for you impatiently in the softness of my bed and under the goose-down comforter where we so often found solace in one another.

 

I look forward to tonight, My One True Jaana.

 

Sincerely,

Sleep Deprived Reverent Lover

 

P.S.  Please tell your brother Insomnia that he can go back to whatever depths of hell he came from because I no longer want anything at all to do with him.  WE are over and that I resent he ever tried to become apart of my life in the first place.

Excuse Me While My Brain Checks Out

You know what the best thing in the world to hear is?  "The case settled".

 

Just sayin'...

 

Soooooooooo, hello Friday!  I've missed you.  I'm also excited about sleeping in tomorrow, spending time with some fam as well as the Super Bowl.  I need to figure out what fun treats I'll be making in honor of it, maybe some searches online.  Let's see.

 

Anyhow, last night was edifying.  A lot of things were clarified, something's I needed to hear about a situation that concerned me but due to lack of information, I was in sort of a black hole over has become crystal clear.  Thanks to my alpha nature I was going nuts because of it.  Now, I'm calm.  Although what I heard wasn't necessarily what I wanted to but knowledge is power, right?  I have the tools within my arsenal to make some good decisions, to chose a path and have even managed, within a few short hours, come to terms.

 

You know, I hate to admit to this only because this totally shatters the persona I've crafted of total badassishness (that's a word).  *Sigh*  Total tragedy.

 

Okay, to be serious here for a min...I'm not that complicated as a person.  I'm fairly straight forward.  I'll tell anyone what I like and what I don't.  I'm pretty clear about my 'go' and 'no go' list as well.  Usually, if I think you're worth my time or effort (and love) I'll give you a cheat sheet of things to arm you with regarding my bad days and how to get around them and me.  I'm not about setting people up for fails of any sort.  I'll even tell you how to reconcile with me if you've done something particularly shitty.  (Hint:  The spoken word coupled with body language and intonation is key here.)

 

Taking what I've written above into consideration, it all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be happy than pissy.  Being mad takes too much energy, effort, time, brain power.  Why brain power since being mad is an emotion?  Because for me, anger leads into wanting to exact some sort of devious revenge and that's where the brain starts working.  And then as a bonus because my stupid brain really never shuts off...there's the part of where I keep asking questions internally such as:  what did I do, why did this happen, but I was so blah blah blah...

...oh the questions are endless.  I'm just not down for all this nonsense, Folks.  I just don't.  I may be a very philosophical person but not this type.  My brain works far too hard as it is, I really hate pushing it. 

 

Maybe the fact that I'm, at the core, a little lazy explains things.  I don't mean in the sense of work and general life stuff, in that way I'm active.  But I'm a simple person in so many ways.  People look at me, see woman and automatically make a snap judgment that I'm all about the drama.  Nope.  Absolutely wrong.  I abhor drama even though it seems like recently all I've been associated with has been precisely that.  Oh me.

Truth:  Most days I just want to go home, watch some mindless television, read a good book, chat with a few close friends, play a game possibly and then drift off to sleep.  I hate being up all night long unable to sleep, thinking nonstop, spinning my wheels. It's exhausting!  (Unfortunately that's the type I can be, hence it's even more inconvenient because this goes directly against the whole lazy nature.)  My idea of a good time has never been trying to 'get over' something because it seems like an epic waste of time and takes too much time.  If I could, I'd snap my finger and that would be a wrap.  I would be over 'it' (whatever it is).  So doesn't happen.  Alas for me getting over things is a process.

 

Anyhow, I'm going to try to get back to work while staying awake.  I had Chipotle for lunch and now I feel like a beached whale.  Good stuff.

 

Have a good weekend, Lovelies.  <3

 

Day 30 = Temp Seperation, New Lessons and Cold Pizza

Day 30 brings both sadness and a sense of self.

 

I woke up super early and left to meet my dad at the airport.  Like my mother, he's on his way to the far east (well okay not like that far east but more like southeast but let's not get into technicalities) for the next month.  On my way, I called Ammu (mom) just to chat and ended up crying like a baby while sobbing out how much I missed her -_-  Yes, it never matters how damn old a person is, they will always be their parents child.  And I don't care who you are, if you have a good relationship with said parents, you will miss them even within the midst that is the chaos of your own life.

 

By the time I gave my dad a last hug 'see ya later' before heading to work, I was in tears once more.  In order to lighten my heart a bit, I played this all the way back:

 

I sang along at the top of my lungs all the way into work and by the time I got here, although the residual ache will probably be in place till they BOTH get back, I felt a bit energized.  Maybe that's because I've been up since 6:15am which is rare indeed for me but I see the benefits to waking up at such an ungodly hour.  Not that this is going to become a regular habit (yish) but I see the benefits for sure.

 

Now full into the day which has proven to be busy, busy, busy.  In fact everyone's walking around the halls at 80mph.  The energy level is high and you can tell a new year has begun. It's balls to the walls all the way!  In fact, I've been to my directors office about 4 times just to tell him about new cases, figuring out bandwidth, deadlines, workflows...blah blah blah...I'm getting pulled in a few directions but I've made some serious headway. 

 

More importantly, I'm really starting to make headway in letting the recent sadness that had been plaguing me, go (as I had resolved) and making steps towards finding inner peace once again.  Sounds like a load of horseshit, don't it?  But it's not.  I'm not afraid of writing out my feelings, obviously.  I can't also take credit for the baby steps I've been making to heal myself.  Thanks to a gaggle of dear, amazing ladies on the phone, in person, over latte's and some close guy friends, I have been able to realize my worth or at least learn to embrace it more. 

 

Through the next few weeks/months/years I will remember but I think that with time I will forget to some degree and learn to laugh about the past.  I've done it before, I'll do it again.  The human spirit really is an amazing thing, isn't it?  Then again I'm armed with the knowledge that I haven't done anything wrong.  Right.

 

I'm also damn pleased with the traffic hitting this piddley little blog of mine.  The fact that anyone feels any sort of compulsion to click on the link and read my dribble is totally awesome and flattering.  I really can't say this enough.  Every time I access Google Analytics, I'm do a happy dance. 

 

Okay, well I've taken about 20 minutes of time to shove a slice of cold pizza down my gullet while banging this out.  Let's see what I have to write about tomorrow.

 

Oh also, one thing before signing off.  Today a friend of mine contacted me to rant on about how frustrated/pissed/angry/annoyed/fed up she is with her sibling.  She has been trying to contact him desperately for help using all modes of communication known to man but he has withdrawn into some place (mentally) where no one can reach him.  This is not unusual.  I am well acquainted with this habit of his since I know him.  I didn't have any words of comfort other than telling her not to cut him the hell out of her life.  I also wanted to tell her to go find him, slap him real hard up across the head and leave but that's just me...

 

She's pretty adamant that she's done with him, she's over his nonsense, selfishness, insensitivity, egotistical, 'It's all about me' behavior and no matter how much she loves him, she's not going to be cast aside like so much garbage whenever he needs to retreat, is busy with other things or whatever.  I gots to say, I don't blame her.  In fact, good for her for putting her foot down.  I need to learn some lessons from this chick. 

 

I'm telling you folks, human kind disappoints me on a daily basis while once in a while it impresses and this sort of behavior specifically confounds.  How can one...well never mind, I won't even start down that road again.  I'm just going to shake my head, finish up this blog, go back to work and say a prayer to God that this relationship can somehow be salvaged/repaired because frankly knowing her?  HE (her brother) is in for a world of pain and hurt because she's not playing.  If she cuts him off, blood or no, he's done.

 

*smh*

Day 28 Happenings

Last night I talked on the phone with a GF till 2am. 

Today, I'm paying for that extremely guilty pleasure.  I do not have a problem with this at all, totally worth it.

I'm not a big phone person, or at least calling and yacking.  I'm more of a modern day woman in that sense, texting is simpler.  That being said, when I do get onto the phone, I realize why I liked/like it, particularly with someone who is worth speaking to and who has something to say.

This friend though...she is truly fascinating to me.  Beautiful in the most unconventional way imaginable, she is sexy as hell, confident and intelligent including well-spoken and thoughtful.  She's had more than her fair share of heartbreaks and challenges in life but while speaking to her, I realized that even though at times she may have let them beat her down temporarily, that didn't mean she was ever down and out for the count.  I can honestly say that she's a fighter, all the way, nonstop and her passion is stunning.  She's strong and I envy that strength.  I can also sympathize with how tiring that all is because I have very similar traits.

By the time I got off the phone with her, I was still a bit wired, ended up reading some nonsense online for a bit and eventually drifted quickly away.  This morning my head felt bleary and I contemplated calling in with the bubonic plague.  I had a funny feeling that this excuse wouldn't fly...huh, go figure.

Still the sun is shining although the wind is blowing frigid.  Things are stirring, the office is hopping, clients are dropping projects on me like bird poop and I'm feeling good about myself (erm...not because I'm being pooped on, so not into that) but because I am the queen of multi-tasking.  I got this!

Here's an interesting encounter that happened earlier today: 

I went outside to get a drink and a woman was walking with me or rather I bumped into her.  She's in the neighboring building and we've spoken to each other before.  She's brass and talkative, has a thick New Yorker accent and smokes like a chimney.  She also has a habit of butting into just about any conversation she can even when she has no business doing so, just as long as she's in earshot.  She's also a little bit of a lurker.  Yea, kinda creepy.  I've been warned about her by other colleagues but I find her chatter amusing although at times annoying.  I try to remind myself that she's obviously looking for friends or wanting to make connections, nothing wrong with that and therefore I often indulge.

Today may have changed things a bit.

As we walked, I muttered into my scarf, "God it's cold out here," shivering into my coat. 

She looks at me, drops the cig she had been sucking on, snubbing it out with the pointy front end of her black shiny pumps and says in the most snarkiest tone I've heard in a while, "well thanks for stating the obvious." 

Erm...*crickets*

*Looks around trying to identify who she just thought she was speaking to in this particularly offensive tone of voice because it damn well was NOT me...*

*Realizes it's me...*

*OH HELL TO THE NAW*

I had to count to 10 quickly to calm myself down and responded with such sweetness lacing my voice that I'm surprised she didn't go into sugar shock, "well sweetie, for someone who is wearing a short dress with the wind blowing up her skirt, sheer hose and only a shawl while her teeth are chattering, I'm not sure if the obvious doesn't need to be stated."

*Drops the microphone and exits stage right*

Shakin' It Off

Last night a snow storm slammed into the upper Northeast corridor of the states causing panic and mayhem.  Store shelves were rid of water, milk, eggs, Spam and whatnot.  For you who don't know what Spam is, take a look:

 

 

One word for this stuff:  Yuck. 

 

Processed meat = No bueno.

 

Anyhow, the snow also visited us here in DC but it fluttered down like cotton, turning into a fine mist at times, and at others far more fierce.  I stood at the window for a long time watching because although we've had two other 'storms' (if one could call them that at all), neither times had I been an observer.  Usually I would get up in the morning and there it was, in all its white glory.  But this one I watched and a nice calm stole over me. 

 

Pretty big difference from the blog I just posted earlier today.  That was full of anger and disgust for certain types of human beings that walk amongst us.  Some people will fling plates, punch walls or go for a long fury filled run to dispel some of the angst building up inside of them.  I blog.  That's just how I roll.  Once the emotions are out on paper, it's as if I've purged.  After that things are way better, I can think straight, smile and laugh.  My heart lightens and I can find a reason to make others laugh.

 

Here it is, Folks.  I don't live in my misery.  Well, not for long.  I may shoot off some blogs about how things are going bad, be downright mysterious about my problems, groan and moan about how life is unfair and how I may have been done wrong.  I may even plot revenge (usually for a short amount of time) or gather together a comeback of epic proportions yet at the end of the day, I can't live there.

 

What's this mean anyway?  Where is this 'there'?  Well, it's that place that is dark and full of resentment and rage.  I go there not too often but when I visit, let's just say it's best that no one shows me the direction because I find myself very comfy. I can embrace the dark as much as I embrace the light.  I try hard not to totally become immersed but life doesn't always allow me to tra-la-la along as I hope, letting me mind my own business.

 

And I find myself in that place where nothing matters but anger.  I stew in it, live in it and it drags me down till I'm shaking.  But that feeling sucks.  I mean really sucks. 

 

Due to the severe disinterest in feeling this way, I try to come out of this particular sort of funk as fast as I can.  Today, I'm out.  Yes, there are lingering resentments simmering within my soul however, I'll be able to get over that quickly enough in a few more days.   I also know I will relapse here and there but for the most part, it's gone.  How can I do this so quickly, you may wonder?  Am I just that fickle?  Nah, it's not that at all.

 

There is a two-part explanation for this:

 

First, the reason I forgive so easily (don't mistake that with forgetting, I have the memory of an elephant) is because I believe that when you remain angry at anyone, ever, then you are allowing them to control you, rule over you, even if they are nowhere close to you.  I'm sorry, that I'm never willing to let happen for long.  Sure, there are instants when someone has the upper hand on me, because I allow them to, because I give of myself but once my mind flips the switch from backbone-less to backbone, it's pretty much a wrap. 

 

Forgiving isn't easy either, I've written about this before.  It's a struggle.  It's never for the other person either, always for me.  But I will do it because when I mean it, even within my head, the invisible weight upon my heart also lifts and I can breathe again.  Breathing is a good thing!

 

Second, I hit apathy.  Again, I've written about this long ago in some blog far, far away (any gratuitous reference to Star Wars is always a win, if you ask me).  I care and I care deeply.  I care even when I shouldn't, I care with all of myself and I give with all my heart.  I also am so very patient and forgiving.  I give infinite chances for someone to correct themselves while clinging to the belief that some part of their inner conscience will kick in and they will just knock it off.  I convince myself that they (whoever 'they' are) will recognize that good people in this world are indeed hard to come by and we should hold on to those when we find them.  But no...some just keep pushing and pushing and...and eventually I have no where to go.  I can not step back, step to either side nor get past them.  I am with my back against a wall.  

 

This is the point where full on apathy hits me.  I don't care even a grain of sand about you at this point.  I push back.  Know this now.  I will not give a high damn whether you're here or there, what shape you're in, what's going on with you, if you need help...nothing.  I'm dead inside to some degree, or at least any latent feelings for the individual in question has been murdered by my own hands.  Don't be angry at me for turning into this person, I don't even like that person.  I don't like turning into her but I will.  And in the process of being pushed I've often warned people, "don't push me to apathy, just don't".  When that happens, the fun-loving, empathetic, sympathetic woman before you turns into a frozen b*atch who would walk by you without a glimmer of recognition.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Yup, so I'm out of that fun...for now.  Thank god.  I was sort of getting on my own nerves which is kinda pathetic.  I've been able to get some clarity and more importantly look inside myself to see what makes me happy as well as who I am.  I've had a lot of time to reflect and this...this one simple action, is worth all the anger and hurt.  Because without it, I would never have looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and said out loud, "you're worth it, don't settle for less".

 

Damn skippy I am, and people best recognize.

 

[Profanity] This Noise! Remember Karma is a Bitch

Don't read on if you do not appreciate any sort of gratuitous profanity.  I'm sure my mother will be disappointed in me once she's done but there are times when we have to let it out and there's nothing better than to use a string of words that are graphic in nature and unapologetic in content.  THIS is that one for me.  I am fully unashamed of what is to follow.  DO NOT read it if you are easily offended, I implore you. 

This blog is dedicated to anyone who ever thought that you can fuck a person over and that life will still reward you richly.  THINK AGAIN.

So...you presume yourself to be the center of the universe, do you?  You think that you got your shit in order, that you're moving along just fine, that the rest of the world is pretty much lucky to have you, right?  You may not say it in spoken words, you may not think the words aloud but you sure do walk around that way, nose high in the air, looking down upon the rest of humanity thinking, "I'm so much more awesome than you and I don't need anyone but me".  Is that how you think?

Look Sunshine, here's a reality check.  You are nothing but a soul that has been put on this plain to exist for a fraction of a second in a blip of time.  You are spam, just as I am, just as everyone I know is as well.  We, in the grand scheme of things, make no difference but you think otherwise, don't you?  You believe that no matter how many people you fuck over, no matter how many people you treat badly, no matter how many people you've hurt, you can just say, 'well I didn't mean to..." and all will be forgiven?  You think that because you've suffered some difficulties in life you get a free hall-pass for bad behavior?  Not quite.

 

Here's the facts as they are.  You can go blue in the face explaining your actions, why you turned out the way you did, why you retreat and run.  You can write a book the size of War and Peace yet none of your excuses hold water, not a damn one.  Because ultimately since you are not the only 'special snowflake' in this whole wide universe, which means that there is the off chance that someone else has suffered the same if not way worse than yourself.  (Read the sarcasm in that line)

 

And what...you feel so very accomplished that that you're not as bad as you could be that you've managed to convince yourself that you are a 'reasonable' person, even go so far as to categorize yourself as 'caring', 'loving', 'kind'?  No, no sweetie, you're not.  You are a smug egotistical jackass whose feet must be tired from running away from the consequences of your equally selfish behavior but you're so clued out of reality that you don't even feel the ache.  You claim to be a person who stands by others when in reality you will use whomever until you tire and then you get up and off you go ignoring what/who you've left behind because somewhere in your pea-sized brain which is coupled with your overinflated sense of 'self' you believe that everyone in the world will be waiting for you when you're ready to come back.  Why?  Because that's how it has always been, hasn't it?

 

Here's an important question for anyone out there who is like this:  Who are you running from anyhow?  Have you stopped to ask yourself?  Who?  Those who have supported and loved you back without compromise?  That parent who has believed in the way she/he brought you up as a good person; that child who blindly trusts you to always protect and just be there; that spouse/lover who thought that you were everything even when you treated them back as if they were nothing?  Possibly you're zooming away from that friend who held your hand and led you towards a light you didn't see in that darkness you were traversing; or the sibling who holds onto the belief that you will, today...contact them and show them relevance.  Those are the ones who you run from?  How very sad for you.

 

If the only close connections you have in your life are faces on a screen as well as characters typed upon a blank page, then you're worse off than  you ever imagined.  If the only close ties you have are temporary at best, to mollify your need for relevance and importance because you've already hurt so many before, than you have yet to accept that karma is but lurking around the corner waiting to jump you and beat the shit out of you.

 

As for those folks you left behind in your selfish pursuit of 'you', let me tell you about them.  They will be the ones who sleep well because ultimately with time they already was able to recognize you for precisely who you were/are.  May be they are also the ones who never held you accountable for your past deeds.   When you were acting like a jackoff, they weren't the ones who said, 'stop it, this is unacceptable'.  Instead they coddled you in hopes you will not behave like that again.  But alas, their hopes have been dashed, over and over again and now they just live with it.  And the others?  They also will move on.  They will rest knowing that they did what they needed, showed you human kindness that isn't in fact common out there.  May be they will get satisfaction out of the fact that when you did need it, they were there for you even if some part of them is resentful that you really weren't ever there for them.

 

And that's the crux of this, truly.  You're inability to be there for anyone other than yourself.  Your selfish motivations and desires, the ones that lead you to move nonstop instead of sitting still.  If you stop, are you afraid that your demons will haunt you?  Do you avoid being still because the worst things are the voices in your own head which whisper, 'you shouldn't have...', 'why?' and fill your head with doubt and shame?  And the why's do not stop, do they?  At one point or another you will stop, you will be forced to, our bodies will require us to and those are the moments of utter silence, between awakeness and sleep where you will be facing your own nightmare.  They remind you of the fact that you are not precisely the knight in shining armor that you thought yourself to be.  You're not Superman, hell you're not even Clark Kent.  You were in fact all along, the Riddler.  You confused, confound, take and without a thought and with a flick of your hand you're gone.  

 

This is the reality.  This is the truth.  Everything I wrote above is not pointed at one person and one person alone, no.  If that were the issue I would send a direct message.  Rather this is aimed at all the selfish fuckers in the world who have scraped by thinking that karma will never get them, that the fates are on their sides.  Maybe they think that they've suffered so much themselves that they've had their fair share and therefore will get no more?  Funny thing about that is that you would think with people like this, particularly those who know heartbreak and loss and loneliness, they would be the ones who will stand stronger, be steadier, be the rock that they should be and have a conscience that wouldn't allow them to cause pain to anyone else like they've been given themselves.  Instead they learn nothing from their own struggles.  Their megalomaniac dumbasses will continue on the road of life thinking that the world owes them, while they owe nothing.  And what they've already given, their mere presence, is apparently enough (to them).  What a joke.

 

And what's left behind is a string of broken promises, half truths, gigantic hurts that could rip a soul asunder.  It would cause a mother to doubt her parenting, a sister to turn away in disgust, a friend to delete your number and a lover to close the door permanently upon your face.  Oh the other thing left behind?  Baad-dua.  In Islam that means 'curses'.  Not the type that witches cast, don't get me wrong, these are way worse.  These are those wishes that come from the depth and pain of the heart, that escape in tears when someone whispers, 'you hurt me...how could you have done this to me...you will regret this one day...' and they mean it not out of spite but out of fact.  Fear these tears.  Fear them because God listens to these tears, God watches and God waits.  

 

There is a lot of venom in what I wrote.  I repeat this is not aimed at anyone in particular.  Instead this is for anyone I've ever known who is like this and anyone that you know who is similar.  You may very well be seeing that person in your minds eye and grimacing in disgust or flinching in pain while reading my words.  I'm sorry to remind you but I do it because...well frankly I'm sick and tired of these particular types of human beings.  They are smooth and shiny, they give off the air of love and instill within you trust and confidence.  You don't see what is under all that though, the glitter is so beautiful to behold.  You half way convince yourself that you don't deserve such amazingness.  You don't see the slight selfishness in the beginning until it's too late or because even if you did see it, you would rather ignore it.  And as time goes by and the hurt they deal out to you like a deck of cards becomes worse as well as frequent, you struggle with the memories of the person they once were.  By the time you've figured them out, ironically enough still accepting them for whomever they are, they've decided to leave you because possibly you've had the nerves of calling them out, holding up a mirror into their own soul, even uttering the words, 'please stop hurting me'.  They don't know why they do it, they can't explain it, the answer is always, 'I don't know' and yes they mean that at the moment but they can't look into that mirror because they hate the ugliness there.  Mind you, they don't want to fix it, they just don't want to look. 

 

Or maybe some of your own negatives are now the excuses he/she uses to leave.  Whatever works in a storm, eh?

 

Cling to whatever reason you want, say whatever you wish, give all the excuses under the sun and star filled sky, the fact is YOU will never be able to run from your reality.  YOU are a coward.  You cannot man/woman up to anything.  You will always be losing constantly what is most precious, most good, most perfect for you in chase of something that turns out to be empty.  And trust me when I say that one day karma WILL be waiting around the corner with that bat to clobber you.  That very thing you're running to?  That thing you want now, because it fits your world now?  Because it is accessible and wonderful and fresh and new and all those other things?  That will prove to be YOUR ruination.  One day, you will learn what it is to really truly hurt an innocent, but alas only when that happens to you and at that moment of utter soul shaking gut wrenching realization of what you've done?...God help you.

 

When you come running back looking desperately for those you left in your dust, your sneakers/shoes/heels on fire, you will have NO ONE left to show you sympathy.  You will be faced with hardened hearts that once beat with love for you but now...nothing.  Well guess what happens to hearts when they are ripped from ones chest?  They shrivel and die and stop working.  That's what you did, that's what you made happen with your cowardice and selfishness.  So continue your run.  Turn your back against love/commitment/good intensions/the steady ones...run till the end of time, run long and hard.  You're welcome to it.  Let's see how far you go before you come face-to-face with your past deeds.  Until then?  

 

Good luck.    

It Will Get Easier, or So I'm Told

Day 26.

 

The year has not been what I thought.  26 days in and I've suffered more heartache than I could have ever fathomed.  This may be a good thing only because I won't be able to fool myself as to how good/bad the rest of the year will be.  There are no surprises although, maybe I shouldn't say that.  Don't know.  This is my way of comforting myself.

 

Funny, even as I type this blog, I feel numb.  There is this bizarre sense within me that everything that has happened in life (particularly over the last year) has been one big movie I've been sitting and watching in a dark theater.  I may be the main actress but it's not really me going through the motions, I'm even surprised how things are unfolding. 

 

I woke up this morning with a start saying to myself out loud, "what just happened?"  It's like waking from a nightmare but you're not really awake.  You realize with a sinking feeling that whatever is happening, no matter how you want to escape, is still happening.  And worse of all?  None of it makes sense.

 

The snow, the weather, the cold, the wind, it all reflects my inner turmoil right now.  I feel as if I'm in a raging sea that won't let me up for air, no matter how much I struggle and fight.  I'm slowly drowning, but I don't want to because I want to live.  Are these unique words that I've just typed?  No, I'm 100,000% sure they are not.  They are but one drop in the bucket of the heartbreak humanity faces on a daily/momentary basis.  This also isn't the ultimate in hurt.  But this is mine.  This is mine.

 

I've been told by those who love me most, that this too shall pass.  That I will wake up one day and find it is better, that my chest aches less, that the constant feeling of nausea will pass.  I've been told that I'm too good for this nonsense and that let karma do the rest.  I have been soothed with words of encouragement, anger at the situation, frustration with how things have panned out, and at the end an outpouring of love.  I am grateful that I have those who I can turn to and their arms are open wide to take me in, to feel loving hands stroking me and to hear soft words of comfort such as, "It will get easier, I promise."  Oh God, I am so clinging to these words. 

 

The intellectual side of me knows that things will somehow heal and time will do it's magic.  There's a part of me that knows absolutely that I will find all those reasons I had before to show my enthusiasm, my laughter will ring out again, my tears will dry up and the reason for this pain will wither away into a bad memory and whereas I will always have them no matter how I try to block them out, those too will be stored away somewhere in the back dark recesses of my mind to take out only on rare occasions when I need to remind myself which path not to take in the future. 

 

But the problem is me.  It's just me.  My mind works in a way that it never forgets anything.  I can be easily reduced to tears by the touch of a familiar wind or the playing of a song; my heart constricts from a memory that is so real that it feels like it just happened and I am so in touch with my own soul that pain/regret/sadness is but a breath away.  How do I then move on?  It's easier said than done, my friend, so much easier said than done. 

 

This scares me to the core.  To find no rest, to find no respite, to find no real happiness in something as simple as a beautiful warm sunny day.  This scares me and I want to simply hide away.  That cave I spoke of in a prior blog?  Seems to be calling my name more and more.

 

I understand that life is full of difficulties.  I was taught at a very young age that the road that we take is difficult, vicious, harsh...that life really are all those things.  I learned that the struggle, for the lack of any better way to say it, is real.  It's just life though.  That's the thing.  We all go through it.  No one person is spared the pains, the heart aches, the crushing blows of defeat.  We feel it in ways that are so unique to each yet so sweepingly common.  When I talk to others, they can sympathize, tell me, "I've been through that".  I know, I knew.  I still feel so damn lonely.

 

So I guess the only option now is to wait till tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that so that this becomes less unbearable, so that I can somehow breathe again.  When did taking a simple breath become so hard anyhow?  Not till it becomes nearly impossible do you start to appreciate, isn't it?  But then again that's how life is.  Not until you loose that which you hold dear, that made you live, that gave you wings to fly, when that's gone, then you appreciate what you once had.  I think so.

 

I can also say this much, whatever has happened recently, I live with a clear conscience.  Not to say I do not have my faults for things falling apart, but I also know that I've done more good than bad, I've given more and taken less, I've been open and honest withholding nothing.  At night, even when it's hard to sleep I know it is not because of guilt on my part. 

 

So yea, I'll wait till tomorrow.

 

 

 

Day 21 - Restored Faith in Humanity (for now)

Day 21 arrives with heartbreaking decisions being made and growing a spine.

 

As well as sporting some new boots.  NOTHING like new boots to make you feel better.  And red lipstick...the perfect shade too. 

 

I'm sitting in my office listlessly watching fat flakes of snow come cascading down out of the sky.  I want to be nowhere other than home under blankets reading with a steaming mug of hot tea within arms reach. 

 

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  I suppose I could talk about that.  I suppose I could tell you that Allah (swt) is truly merciful and that God's benevolence was on full display.

 

Here's what happened:

 

On Monday night I spoke to a friend who was seriously down and out.  Without going into any specifics, I can tell you that she was desperate to find a job because she was facing homelessness in short order as well as having her car repossessed.  She had been struggling for 6 months to find something that would help her earn money but to no avail.  I told her to hold on, finding my own words rather hollow yet still insisted that she try to believe that things would work out but her voice was devoid of any hope at all.  She had gone through far too many things in her 40 odd years.  Her faith was flagging. 

 

After getting off the phone with her, I slowly went up to bed, changed, got between the sheets and proceeded to stay awake for many hours afterwards.  I wracked my brain trying to come up with some solution.  What could I do?  What could I suggest?  I was a fixer, I fixed things but I couldn't fix this.  I didn't know how to fix this.  Before finally drifting off into a very fitful sleep, I closed my eyes and murmured to the Almighty, "please find a solution...help her."

 

Yesterday morning I woke up, slugged to the bathroom and as I was showering inspiration struck.  I thought to myself, why not Facebook?  I have seen others asking for help in the past for this or that and I have responded so why couldn't I?  Besides, it wasn't for me technically.  Between getting dressed, I posted a status message hoping against hope that something would come to light.

 

Long story short, she now is  employed.  In fact today is her first day at work.  The job isn't spectacular or glamorous, it pays the rent and she is so happy to have it that she informed me that she hasn't been able to stop smiling.  I pray that she continues to smile forever.

 

This was truly the display of God's grace, mercy and love.  It wasn't about my God vs. yours.  I can't reduce it to that.  She's a Christian, I'm a Muslim.  We are still sisters regardless of our varying faiths.  When she went to thank me for my help, I told her that I am but a tool of God.  It's true though for as religious-y as it may sound, even if it sounds like I'm sermonizing.  That isn't it.  This isn't me being humble either.  My faith rules me and this is how I feel.  God had long ago tasked me with helping her, possibly.  I wished I had thought of this a lot earlier only because by now she would have gotten a good foot hold ahead in the game but oh well...but in reality I didn't really do anything that astounding; just a few simple well chosen words and the angels found me themselves and they showed up in all forms.   To me?  Those are the true heroes here, not myself.  I received messages within minutes and it continued throughout the day.  My friends even 'shared' the SOS post so that their network may be able to help.

 

All day I was in the verge of tears at the bounty and outpouring of care and support.  I am blessed, so damn blessed, to have such quality human beings in my life.  It's not that these people are rich (in a monetary sense) or anything like that, they are just willing to help, even if it's not a lot.  Isn't that just...delicious?

 

Let me be honest here:  Selfishness is my greatest pet peeve.  I can tolerate just about anything but when one has the ability to help but refuses to do so because of whatever...even in the face of knowing that someone is about to go homeless, I loose all faith in that person and have a hard time reconciling this in my head.  It's a turn off, plain and simple.  Compassion is probably my greatest turn on.  I go nuts over someone who can show that they give a damn about someone, anyone, other than themselves. 

 

Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that I believe if you didn't respond to that one particular post, I've relegated you to selfish status.  Not at all.  I just know those individuals who could have helped and didn't, for whatever reason, they didn't and that's something which just isn't okay with me.  Sorry to be so judgmental and if I didn't know some of the more intimate details I wouldn't feel this way...but since I do...I'm judging.

 

The fact is I've slowly been losing faith in humanity for such a long time.  Most certainly my pessimistic attitude isn't a good one, I'm not saying it is.  It halts me from letting go totally to trust others and I'm not saying that my walls aren't up (again).  They are (again).  The biggest problem with this is that once they come up, it's so freakin' hard to get them down, damn near impossible and it takes forever.  Anyhow, as of yesterday I at least can take comfort in the human spirit which has the ability to come screaming forth to help a lost soul restore HER faith in the world. 

 

That's good enough for me.

The Journey Begins with Me

 

 

You know what I realized?  I need to love me. 

Sounds a bit weird, dunnit?  I mean, shouldn't I by default? Not really, if you know me at all. I haven't always loved me.  I've in fact spent so many years of my existence avoiding my very reflection that sometimes I forget what I look like.  I embraced the idea of self-loathing so fully that even if someone tried to tell me I was good, I would start to laugh derisively, hysterically.  The person(s) giving the compliment never really appreciated this reaction but it was so in-bred in me in so many ways that I couldn't help it.

Now though, I've decided that I need to love me.  A lot more.  A hell of a lot more.  Mainly because if I can't love me, then no ne else can.  If I don't appreciate me (not to be confused with being egotistical) then no one else can.  It's time to work on probably the hardest project I'll have to deal with...myself. 

 

Joy. -_-

Man, why couldn't I have been born slightly more narcissistic?  It would have been way easier although I probably wouldn't be well liked and not have such good true solid friends.  Okay, seems like that reason is enough for me to get over the whole 'wanting to be a self centered prick' thing.  (This makes me wonder though, is considering myself NOT narcissistic actually narcissistic because I feel like I'm better than those who are?  Crap, another blog about this later, I've managed to confuse myself.)

Moving on...

But do I have any reasons to love myself, truly?  Do I have any right at all to walk around with my head held high projecting to the world my confidence?

Who the hell knows.  Maybe?  I certainly hope so.  Possibly at the end of this journey for me, I'll come out thinking, "well I could have spared myself the trouble" but then again I won't know until I take it, right?  It's like that book Eat, Pray, Love.  It truly is all about the knowledge you attain at the end, the embracing of ones demons, correcting those flaws that we can, accepting those we can't fix, becoming a better person thanks to it all.

But the basis of this is, am I worth knowing?  Am I worth keeping in your life?  I mean I have to sort of keep me in my life so that's a silly question to ask...but should I subject the rest of humanity to me or should I give up, find a cave and live there till my time on earth ends?  Do I, in fact, bring any sort of positive to those around me?  You may be thinking, why do you have to anyhow, but that's how I look at life.  I think that we all have a purpose, a reason for being, and although we may never know what it is even after we kick the bucket, still it's there.  I don't think God is trying to fill a quota on earth with how many souls He can send down here.  I think there are much bigger reasons, even if it's as small as helping one's neighbor find his/her cat. 

In order to answer the questions regarding whether I'm worth it at all...I did some soul searching.  Sounds sort of hippy, don't it?  But when you gotta, you gotta.  I don't take this sort of thing lightly though.  I commit to it fully facing some ugly truths if need be.  At the end, the very reason why I'm banging out this particular entry is to share what I've discovered.

I'm worth loving.  And here are all the reasons why:

I'm humble (doesn't seem like it when I'm saying I am but I am).
I'm giving (want a limb?  Need a kidney?  How about a big toe?  Hair transplant?).
I'm caring (it is physically impossible for me to see someone in pain).
I'm empathetic (not to be confused with sympathetic; which I am as well).
I'm kind (a trait that is lost in a lot of people and no longer seems to be the norm).
I'm selfless (very rarely have I ever thought only and only about myself).
I'm fully cognizant of my fallacies (and am my harshest critic which pushes me to do better)

To me, these are enough reasons to know me.  I can't speak of all the other traits that I may or not possess.  I can't speak to them because they do not matter.  How well I write, how funny I can be, how I can think 'out side of the box'...none of that is important.  Do I speak the right sort of speak, do I walk the right sort of walk, am I the right color, gender, race...do I follow the fashion, do I laugh at the right things, am I politically correct...none of it freakin' matters.  What's in my heart?  Look at that.  That's where all the secrets lay.  Do I possess a heart that beats for others and feels pain?  Do I despair at someone else's struggle and help if/where I can or am I the type of person that walks away 'to do me' and what you're going through is 'none of my business'?  Sorry, can't. I care way too much and am super afraid that God will one day question me for it.  Am I able to love without holding back, give of myself fully and expect nothing in return?  Yes, oh yes.  All I require is a semblance of kindness and consideration in return.  Is that honestly asking for too much?

Will I also hurt you?  Yea, I probably will but totally unintentionally (those who I hurt intentionally, I tell them ahead of time).  Am I capable of marginalizing you?  Well yes, but you really have to push hard in order to get me there.  Do I have evilness lurking within me that struggles to get out?  The battle is real folks, every single damn day.  But that will be one that will keep being waged and Inshallah I will keep winning it. 

All these negatives?  I own this crap.  I know who I am, there isn't another soul out in the universe who can define me better than myself.  And before you tell me?  I'll tell you first what I'm made up of.  As I've said countless amounts of time, I embrace me, good, bad and ugly. 

So yea, my journey begins at the beginning, which is unfortunately now.  I am worth it.  I am lovable and I deserve to be loved without reservation.  I need to stop begging for scraps of attention, flutters of emotion and more importantly fleeting appreciation.  I'm a good person and that's all I strive to be.  I once told a friend that the biggest accomplishment that I work towards when I meet someone new is not to dazzle them with my looks or wit, my status or what I own, but it is to get them to say the following statement after I've left:  She's nice. 

 

That's it.  That's all that I've ever wanted, to be considered nice.  Anything beyond this that someone may think/state about me in a positive way is simply...blessings.

 

Have a good one folks, gotta run to music class which I am totally not prepared for but then again, what's new about that?

 

Ciao!

Oh, and day 20?  Not too shabby.

I Am A Goat...Hear Me...Bleat?

 

A new day dawns, a new hope arises...

 

Sounds like the beginning to some epic movie, doesn't it?

 

It is in many ways, my life is such a movie at times, full of drama and nonsense.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I figure that when I take my last breath, I'll be able to say without a doubt, "I lived".  And I am!  Lookie there.

 

Last night, in the depths of sadness I found a ray of light.  I found new conviction, new strength, a game plan even.  I don't like being without one of those so believe you me, I'm a bit relieved.  And that ray of light was my very own bestie and cousin who swung by and literally whisked me away for dinner. 

 

We had been talking about how particularly difficult this Thursday would be and she suggested we get together to help me forget.  At approximately 6:57pm (she was supposed to be at my place by 7) she texted me and said "I'm a bad date".  Lol, she ran late but that was totally fine with me and she was an astounding date to boot!  I was excited to see her and knew that my soul would be more soothed just by being in her presence.

 

You have that kind of person who soothes your soul?  Whose opinion means the utmost to you and who you can't really see life without?  That's my little cuz.  When we became so tight, seeing as how there's literally a decade between us, I have no idea but it's a blessing from heaven. 

 

Anyhow we took off to our favorite eatery Nando's.  Oh sweet lord above how I love this place.  Never been there?  Go.  Don't have one near you?  Travel.  If there is none even within traveling distance?  Petition for one to be build in a neighborhood close by.  it is just that good.  And even if I normally have very little interest in food on the whole, with this place I can not remain so cold and distant.  I annihilated my food as did my girl while the whole time we chattered.

 

I'm glad to be able to say that even at the ripe old age of 42, I am broadminded enough to try to learn lessons every single day and embrace them.  I am just humble enough to understand that not all my decisions are solid, my thoughts can be over-jaded (if that's a possibility) and that my actions can be crummy and hurtful.  Most certainly they are never meant to be (well not often) but they can nonetheless.  As I've been told, it's the delivery.  I don't hedge, I don't flub, I say what I feel when I am positive allowing an almost air of 'I don't care what you think or do' to seep into them.  This hasn't happened often but when it does I've paid a high price.

 

And as I was working through the mashed potatoes, crunching into the garlic bread, feasting on spicy chicken that made my nose run slightly, I chewed and thought, working through recent events in my mind.  It was like figuring out a puzzle.  You pick it up, look at it from all angles, devise and reject explanations and eventually there's a sort of light bulb moment which reveals the answer.  That happened to me last night as I sat there with her laughing, eating, talking, sharing and the sadness of my heart temporarily disappeared.  Do you know why?  Because I LET it.  So simple, so easy.  For that instant, I was me again.  But for sure there was a point where I paused and thought to myself:  What am I doing?

 

That's a question that I often wait for to pop up into my conscience.  It does it all on it's own.  I know it will.  When it does, it's sort of like my own personal reality check.  Through my life, those 4 words have slapped me back into place, to remind me of who I am and bring me back to myself as well.  For the past few days I've allowed external forces to dictate which way I'll go.  I've ignored wholly what I've wanted/needed and bowed to another persons insecurity and inability to be an adult and make hard decisions to take over.  I've given this person the power over me, to alter me, to make me who I am not and wait passively by like a weakling.  Trust when I say I am no weakling.  That is NOT me.  I'm a Capricorn to the core of my being. 

 

Are you grimacing, thinking, 'oh she's one of those celestial lovin' hipsters who can not leave the house without first reading the daily horoscope?  You'd be terribly wrong.  I'm far too pragmatic and so far from that it's hilarious but I don't discount the fact that the sign you're born under very much determines the type of person you are (not the type of day you'll have).  I've embraced this fact more and more lately whereas in the past I've rejected it outright.  I told you, I'm open-minded and flexible.

 

In case you were wondering what precisely are the traits of a Capricorn female?  Well here, read for yourself and yes, I can tell you that this is absolutely me in a nutshell...without a doubt:

Capricorn Traits : The Capricorn-born people are the most determined of the entire Zodiac. The most prominent qualities of the Goats, as they are called, are that they are ambitious, conservative, determined, practical and helpful. They make good team leaders and organisers, because of their single-minded focus on their work, sense of responsibility and sincerity. They are perceived by people around them to be workaholics, unemotional and detached. Sometimes their negative qualities – suspicious, resentful, inhibited, pessimistic and stubborn – are seen clearly, but deep inside the Goat is a humble heart. They are soft, and their hard outer shells are meant to guard themselves against the hurt caused by rejection.

 

In Romance:

 

Lessons to Give in Love : Loyalty and ability to take on responsibilities and provide for worldly comforts. The distinct undercurrent of wisdom and stability is their love.

Lessons to Learn in Love : Ability to let go; to give unconditionally and to be selfless in love.  

 

Personality : The Goats are very independent and believe that to depend on others is a weakness. The stern exteriors of the Capricorn-born can be misleading. When you get to know them better, the picture becomes rather different. It is true that the Goats avoid taking risks, and would stick to the tried and tested, but they also have a fun-loving streak. It is just they take more time to open up. As security is very important to them, they pursue monetary goals with dedication, but material pleasures are never their real priorities. They command respect, but never try to dominate their partners. However, when the Goats slip into the negative mode, they become inflexible and even pessimistic. Then, their love can become very conditional.

 

Love for Capricorn is : An exchange of emotions that gives mental and physical satisfaction and security. And, unlike the general opinion, love is very important to them. Love is about bonds and responsibilities, but it is also about sensuality and stability. Their stern outer looks may hide their gentle, soft side, but they do need love like anyone else. Give them time to open up, and you will see their real passion and great self-confidence, which can be very charming. Saturn infuses a great respect for age, culture, success and achievement in them, so the Capricorn native is attracted by rich and successful people. Their family has a lot of importance in their life. When they love, they look at the person as their family. They rarely go for one-night stands or superficial flirtations.

 

When in Love : The Goats are reliable and caring. Not the ones to believe in excess of emotional display, they are controlled, measured, even cautious in their approach to love. Quiet and undemanding, they do try to view the other’s perspective, though they may sometimes be perceived as being selfish. However, they themselves may not be very frank when it comes to revealing or discussing their inner desires. Deep down, they are passionate, waiting to explode in the company of an ideal mate. On the surface, most of them are conservative, but when they open up, you may have a very interesting partner beside you, who does have a sense of humour, even if it may be slightly sarcastic. Their insistence on perfection, quality and high standards at all times, however, may irritate their partners.

 

Have you ever bothered to look up your sign?  Find out what you're 'supposed' to be made out of?  Just for shits and giggles, do it.  It's very enlightening and you may have a total 'aha' moment. 

 

Anyhow, off to lunch. 

You May Leave, Thursday. Thanks!

I loathe day 15. 

 

Knowing that today would be hard made it no easier to get up and face it.  I laid in bed with my eyes tightly shut hoping that I could will it to be Friday.  Didn't happen, in case you were wondering.  I wasn't able to, within that short span of time, discover a transport through time.  Much the pity. 

And knowing how my mind works (obsessive), the fact that I was somewhat mentally "prepared" for today will make it no easier to get through it either.

You know what I wanted to do?  Pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away.  Hey, that may actually be a sort of time machine, don't you think?  But regardless of this fairly do-able fantasy, I once again had to think about mortgages that needed to be paid, electricity bills that have to be ponied up for otherwise I'd be freezing my buns off in this weather, and future boot purchases that are yet to be realized.  Yea, I gotta stay in my lane and keep trudging forward.

Now that I'm in the office, the only word that I can describe my attitude to be is 'listless'.  I can't seem to sit still yet I have nowhere to go.  I hate these sorts of days.  It's like the energy to pick up my Starbucks and take a sip isn't even present.  It's just sitting here staring at me.  And I stare back and like earlier, almost will it to come to my lips as opposed to vice versa.  Another dream crushed.

My stomach is also in knots, even as I go back and forth between writing this blog and working.  My heart seems to be throbbing around the edges, which is a not-so-great feeling and I'm seriously considering running away to become a hermit under a bridge.  Main source of income:  toll.  Although knowing me, this won't help, I'll just be homeless and still overthinking everything like: why didn't he/she pay?  Why did they speak to me that way?  Do I smell? 

Wow...I so digress...

Here's the brutal fact, I'm not about to find any sort of relief whatsoever, definitely not today and maybe not anytime soon.  The only way that would happen isn't going to happen immediately and even though my intellect knows this, somewhere deep in my soul I think my heart is holding hope for a miracle.  Again, I'm speaking in riddles but just please bear with me.  I swear I will be better...eventually.  This maudlin woe-is-me behavior will one day (hopefully sooner than later) be gone and this Rubi will be replaced by the smart-mouthed sarcastic woman that you've come to love.

Since I'm already here though, let me take full advantage of it and inundate you with some pretty damn sappy sentiment that will bring me zero comfort but it's good to share and as they say 'sharing is caring'.  What a bunch of bull.  

Okay my attitude needs to change ASAP.  At least I haven't hit the 'I'm going to sit here and cry for no apparent reason' stage which probably is the best when your day is absolutely rife with meetings back-to-back.  I hope I have enough eyeliner in my purse.

So here we go, those 'inspirational' pictures that I hope...inspire you, bring you comfort, make you nod and go "this helps" or better yet, one that you'll want to share with someone else:

Not if you got a "wide load" :\ No one wants to see that.

Amen.  I sure am not.



In 42 years, I still don't get me.

Oh yea, my hair reminds me at every opportunity it can. -_-

I have to remind myself of this every blasted day.

I'm dead...laughing so hard with this one.

Yea, but you fight it like hell.

This one is sorta dark but my pessimistic side really gets it.

This is dark also, but to be honest, this gets to the truth of everything...we will die.  Don't waste time.

That's right, I'm a gift damn it, wrap me up and put a bow on me!

Word.

Okay, it's been a few hours since I started to write this blog.  Nothing has improved...absolutely nothing but I've found things that have in fact distracted me, like a training that was so mind-numbing that I think some of my brains leaked out of my ears.  I went cross-eyed on enough occasions that I was afraid they would stay permanently thus (if someone whacked me on the back). 

 

Sort of sucks that the day has hardly moved along and the night looms before me.  I'm not sure what I'll do with myself at this point, probably slug it on home and do...something.  Wouldn't it be nice to have a switch in our brains that you can flip off so that you don't have to continuously think?  Where did the good ol' days of NO communication, where in order to be 'connected' you had to fight for the cordless or dial-in using a modem.  At least then you wouldn't be either hovering around your computer or checking your smartphone every 2 seconds for something!!! 

 

*Breathes*

 

Frankly, I'm tempted to take some sleep meds, crawl into bed and hope that by the time tomorrow dawns, things will be a bit better but I seriously doubt that and I'm so not down with the whole sleep aid thing.  Nothing will make me want to do nonsense like that.  I haven't lost my mind in any way, shape or form.

 

Let me take another moment to say this:  I know a few of you (and thank you for reaching out to me to show your girl some solidarity) are a bit concerned as you read my blogs (and behold FB status updates or posts).  They've most certainly taken on a very...dark...turn.  But let me assure you, I am going through nothing more than any other human being has ever gone through in the history of the world and humankind.  Far many have dealt with a metric ton worse, while others, not so much. 

 

With every up, there's a down.  I recognize this.   For every good, a bad.  I know this also.  Nothing stays static, nothing remains the same, everything keeps evolving and changing.  These are things I not only know, but have reminded friends on various occasions.  It's harder to remember when one feels as if the world has just tumbled off it's own access, get my drift?  I'm a bit of an emo person and couple that with writing being my primary source of release and you have a lot of words that make no sense but reflect deep emotions.  I'm sort of also taking you all on this bizarre mysterious journey with me.  Just suffice it to say everything that I'm going through right now isn't really extraordinary.  Millions have suffered the same and come out of it just fine, some may have not, I don't know where I'll fall in this crapshoot we call life. 

 

But again I stress, I'm okay.  If I can write it, I mean it.