Back to work and it wasn't going to be easy, or so I didn't think so. After all first day of work while fasting...always a bit scary.
The night before I was up till 4 am working to put out a fire that had sprung up and which saw my clients running around in circles screaming. By the time I started the fast, I was exhausted and emotionally drained. Oh, and sleep deprived. But then again, I'm always walking around in an internal fog of sleeplessness.
Coming into work bleary eyed, I wondered to myself if I wanted coffee. Like literally, I had an internal convo that went something like this:
Me 1: Do you want coffee?
Me 2: No, I don't think so.
Me 1: Are you sure? You may want some.
Me 2: I'm pretty sure I'm okay for now.
Me 1: This could be psychological, it'll hit you later.
Me 2: Why do you have to be like this?
Me 1: You mean a realist?
Me 2: No a pessimist, go away.
Me 1: Fine, but I'm sure you want coffee.
I sound pretty lunatic, don't I? And one would think coffee wouldn't be the biggest problem I would face, that may be hunger would be greater? Nope, I can assure you I'm like every other modern worker bee, java has become the elixir of life. No coffee, no smiles. Back away slowly from the crazy Muslim Desi Umrican. But let me get back to the my story here: much like the day before, I still wasn't hungry. And as the day zoomed by in a frenzy of multiple projects exploding at the same time and clients demanding attention, I had no time to stop and think about food nor hunger.
There were times though, that I felt my patience slip.
One of the things we're supposed to learn during this month is tolerance, to keep calm and cool, and most importantly, be kind. I admit this Ramadan these things haven't been easy to come by. Whereas in the past this hasn't been much of an issue, for the last two days I've been struggling not to snap anyone and everyone's head off. I've been constantly disappointing myself and asking Allah (swt) to give me strength and the forbearance to turn away from my own anger. So far, I've failed at this. Big time. Like HUGE!
Yesterday a colleague entered my office, a person I will admit I'm not a fan of in the first place due to his sheer arrogance and know-it-all as well as 'I'm way above you on the food chain' attitude (when in reality he is not), and this person started to demand from me my CV. This is something I've already provided him last week and thought I was done with it.
But no, apparently I didn't do it right, it read too much like a 'resume'. Right, I thought CV's were just resume's on Speed, weren't they? Whatever, I'd do it anyhow but from that moment on till yesterday never mind editing a CV, I couldn't breath. Life had become nothing but a string of unending tasks and projects which wouldn't let up. My eyes started to bleed from staring at a computer that reflected back to me facts and figures that made my heard swim and my vision cloud. Yea, a CV was at the very end of my 'to-do' list. Something I had told this man, although not quite so dramatically, over and over again whenever he had popped his little bald head into my office intermittently throughout the course of the week.
However, yesterday as he stood in my office pestering me (keep in mind that I had two deadlines both within an hour away for a client delivery looming like giants in front of me), my temperature started to rise (not in a good way) and I felt the fuse sizzle. I looked up with narrowed eyes and he must have seen something there to make him pause and step back, like physically step back. Now, for most of you who know me on a personal level, you have witnessed this look. It's not a pleasant one by any stretch of the imagination and for those who haven't seen it? Be grateful for this fact. You don't want to. And knowing what precisely that expression must have looked like myself and at that moment as he took the miniscule stop back, I paused, emitted a soft groan under my breath muttering a curse (halal curse of course), and then mentally whacked myself. What good was observing Ramadan when I couldn't follow some of the basic tenants? By that time he had backed out of the room, leaving me feeling ashamed and horrible about myself.
Yea, so this probably will be my struggle. Not the whole food thing or even drink thing (I'll eat and drink plenty the rest of the 11 months of the year), it'll be patience. I admit though, where sometimes I have the patience of a saint at other times I even scare at how short-tempered I can be.
The rest of the day went by pretty speedily. I got home, warmed up some food, broke the fast and went right back to work (well to my laptop at least). As I fielded email after email, while keeping an eye on the clock, I kept whisperings prayers, "yes, Allah (swt) if you give me nothing else at all, if I learn nothing, give me and teach me patience."
On with the struggle.
Stay strong all of you out there!
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