Lately, insomnia has been my best
friend, above and beyond any living soul.
We actually have been having an on again, off again violent, tempestuous
love affair that’s more epic than any you’ve probably ever knowing in your
life! Just sayin’. But I digress (which isn’t unusual for me at
all anyhow), it has been weeks since I’ve gotten a single peaceful night’s
sleep and seeing as how I’m still functional, I think it’s pretty impressive, even
though probably not optimum. And when I
do eventually pass out, it’s not unusual that my dreams are haunted by a lot of…strangeness,
meaning there isn’t a lot of sleeping going on because inevitably I get up in a
cold sweat. Don’t you just j’adore it
when you rise from slumber with your cheeks wet from tears? No?
You don’t? Okay. Moving on!
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| (In case you were wondering, this is pretty much the convo I have with my brain on a nightly basis) |
Last night was no exception as
3:12am steadily glared red on my digital readout. I had even turned my phone off so I wasn’t
tempted to read or surf the web in a way to put myself to sleep. That has never worked historically speaking. You know what happens at such an ungodly time
of night when you’re not otherwise disposed for possibly more pleasurable
reasons (get your mind OUT of the gutter, Dirt, I meant being out with friends or
hanging out with family…sheesh)? You’re
either watching infomercials, bad B grade movies, reading a book (and this is
in no way a bad thing, I’ve gone through the night reading simply because I was
unable to put it down), or thinking thoughts.
This last one, the whole
‘thinking thoughts’ is the biggest one, if you ask me.
There has been this one
consistent theme throughout my blogs, that in my opinion, the most profound ideas,
resolutions of life issues, introspection and contemplations often come from
quiet. In the still of the night (you’re
singing it, right?) memories come to haunt, decisions come to taunt, fantasies
are lived, thoughts forever torture.
I once heard someone mention once to me the
phenomenon of ‘staring at the back of your eyelids’. At that time, I didn’t understand what this
meant but it didn’t take me long to become savvier. Now I know what it means 110%, having done just
that far too many times for my liking.
For those who do not in fact know what this saying means, basically it’s
when you close your eyes, forcing them to stay that way even while your mind is
active and wide awake. It’s a horrible
feeling. It’s akin to what kids do when they’re required to take a nap but
instead they want to play. Folks, I do
this, A LOT. And it’s annoying. And I hate it. I hate it so badly that I would rather not go
to bed knowing this is what will happen.
There’s the mental exhaustion involved of course but also a huge
physical tiredness factor to boot. For me,
it seems like after I do this for long enough my eyeballs start to hurt and I
have to blink to relieve the stress of forcing them to stay shut.
Another thing that sucks about
insomnia aside from the obvious and I don’t know about you, but I also become
seriously religious during these insomnia filled nights. Wait, no, it doesn’t suck that I become religious;
it’s just the type I morph into. What do
I mean? Trust me, I don’t bust out the
prayer mat, although I should probably, but rather I start to talk to Allah
(swt), bargaining, cajoling, making promises that I know even God laughs at
because they border on the insane (one good example is that one night I
promised that I would never consume chocolate for as long as I lived, only if I
could manage to fall asleep)
(Don't ask me why there's such a ginormous gap here, I've been working on formatting this for about a solid 5 minutes so decided before I destroy company property in frustration, I'll just fill it in with this drivel.)
BAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! *dies laughing* *snorts* See, absurdity
in its most epic form. I mean who can go
without chocolate-y goodness? (And for those of you who say
that you don’t like chocolate, I’m suspicious of you, something is not right! I'm watching you!!!!) (Wow, did anyone note how many exclamation points I just used? :O I'm a bit embarrassed but not really.)
But on a serious note, the darkness that
descends at night has begun to almost intimidate me. I’ve written this before most recently,
simply repeating it now: I don’t like to
be alone with my thoughts any longer. I start to
make bad decisions, recall boneheaded choices of the past and think of things that I shouldn’t. Those are the instants when I am the most
vulnerable. I don’t think this is much
of a revelation or insight into me. I
believe most of us can probably claim the same.
I’m just tired of the endless long nights that do not cease until I
literally pass out in exhaustion. I want
this bought of insomnia to end already and I want my mind to rest…finally.
So anyhow, the day has been
emotionally trying. I went to visit a family member who has recently gone through a very rough time. I knew that without seeing her face and giving her a hug, I wouldn't be able to rest, so that's what I did, coming into work super early in the morning so I could leave by mid-morning and head in her direction. Since then I’ve been all over
the place going from DC to B’more back to DC and then home. All that driving combined with about a
maximum of 2.5 hours sleep and exhaustion had my eyes drooping during the last
leg of the journey home. The traffic
added to the general feeling of ‘I’m going to pass out right here in my car and
I don’t care what anyone else thinks, they can either drive around me or through me’. After
getting home I turned on the laptop with every intention of working but fat good
that did since my head hit the keyboard within a few seconds. When I fell asleep I cannot even say, I just
know I was in the midst of drafting an email and the next, I had the keyboard
imprints on my cheek.
All I know is that, I NEED SLEEP. Did I say that before?
In the meantime, along with work, Ramadan, and family issues that have been cropping up, I’ve been
dealing with a friend of mine who seems intent on taking me for granted. Today, I had to remind this person that
although my friendship is steadfast and strong, never bending to the whim of
time or convenience, it is also precious and deserves to be cultivated and yes, it
is worth the effort, as I am worth the effort. I’m a humble soul by nature, I try to never
make things about me (who knows, maybe I do and don't realize it?), always concerned about those about me, but there comes a
time in everyone’s life where they have to realize their own value and then stand
up for themselves. It’s just this
simple, if I’m going to put my mind, heart and soul into any relationship, I
expect the minimum back (which isn’t a lot to ask for in the first place):
communication.
(I recognize how busy the world is. Everyone seems to be endlessly running, running, running without thought. The only connection to humanity has now evolved into checking Facebook status, tuning into the news either before bedtime or in the morning while you brush your teeth and the sound of a human voice has been reduced to text messages, never mind actual physical interaction. For the most part we've accepted that our advancement as a whole has become totally virtual but sometimes, it's NOT okay. And it's not okay to ignore those who are important simply because you can't stop being self-absorbed. Sure there are pockets in time when communicating becomes impossible but once that is over, then you know what? Pull on your big boy/big girl pants and reach out to those you love. You never know when one day, they will cease waiting for you. Just sayin')
But with this friend, sadly enough
I had to resort to sending a clear cut message that although it may take a lifetime to build any
sort of significant bond, it takes but a second to break it, particularly the
type that does not have a familial connection.
Why do I have to remind an adult about this? Why are people so quick to take advantage of
others? I’m not saying this friend has done
anything gravely wrong in the grand scheme of things. There was no theft or deception, no physical harm
nor even any intentional mental abuse.
For the most part this person has been wonderful and an asset to my life but lately...sheesh. However, when another human being can demoralize you and make you feel as
if you’re not worth even the simplest of acknowledgements, then it’s also human
nature to start to wonder what’s wrong with yourself and internally castigate
yourself even when you know you have done nothing to warrant such behavior.
I’ve been doing this with this
particular person, pondering my part in why things have suddenly become so...sour but that ended yesterday for even after months of displaying herculean
patience, forgiving and letting go, turning a blind eye on a thousand indiscretions
and allow the natural love that I feel for those I care for to lead me into
giving endless chances, the friend in question didn’t seem to get it. They purely took for granted that I would
always be around. I may be many things,
but I am no chump and no one’s punching bag.
I’ve done my part with an open heart and caring, now it’s that friends turn
to step up to the plate or step the hell off and live life without my presence
in it. No, that won’t be easy for me
either, but for a change, this is going to be about me, not anyone else.
It’s funny that we are born with
a spine yet somewhere along the path of life; we forget how to use it. I allow my feelings and emotions to get in
the way of protecting myself over and over again but I can assure you, once I’ve
had it, I’ve had it and the person who you get isn’t very unforgiving,
unbending, unwilling and unable to give room enough to be hurt by that same
person, again.
What did I learn today? My self-worth and now, I’ve learned to
empower myself by not accepting anything less than respect and to be treated
well. I don’t care if my behavior hurts
anyone else; I’m done with being considerate and careful of others feelings
while mine is ignored. I don’t know if
this is in the scope of Islamic teachings but for me it’s important to not
allow anyone to make me feel bad about myself unnecessarily. Particularly when I strive to be a good person and a good human being.
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| (I saw this as I was trolling for a good picture to insert and I found this to be terribly apt.) |
And as usual, Happy Ramadan'ing :)
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