So yesterday I mentioned how I
had an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. To be honest, I try to do this as much as
possible which may be why this blog will sound redundant. I’m all about circling back. I love to see where people end up and learn
their stories. There are a lot of
lessons to be taken away in a one hour conversation with anyone, if you ask me.
This particular friend I haven’t
come face-to-face with in about 15 years.
From the day we were introduced, I genuinely liked her, simply got a
good vibe. I thought her to be sweet and
funny, kind and she possessed a set of pipes (her singing voice, pervs) on her
that was magical. We ended up going our
separate ways eventually, allowing life to carry us in different directions. She headed off to medical school and I settled
down into humdrum domestic bliss. As of
about two years ago we ‘friended’ each other on FB and then a month ago I
decided it was high time to start chatting in earnest, reacquainting ourselves. She seemed more than happy to oblige and we’ve
been talking ever since. And in the
process, lots were indeed learned.
First and foremost, it’s
interesting how the views of our friends are so utterly different from how we
view ourselves. (I’ve spoken of this
before, but every few months there’s this burning need to repeat.) She confided to me that back then to her I
seemed confident and pretty and yada, yada, yada. I thought she was the same and uber smart to
boot. I knew she would go places and I
admired her for that. I didn’t think I
was going to get anywhere in life to be honest so the fact that I have, is
shocking even to myself. But her? I knew she would achieve her dreams; she had
that quiet determination that I find awe-inspiring.
Time though, does some funny
things to us. It takes those wide eyed
hopeful kids and turns them into cautious, negative adults. The dreams that we once held dear end up
possibly becoming reality, but not exactly what we had hoped it would be. Our fantasies give away to realities and
that, my dears, is the harshest fact of all.
Reality….bites, doesn’t it?
And by talking to her, I realize
that her struggles aren’t all that dissimilar to neither mine nor the scads of
other women I know. Actually, I’m
pragmatic and reasonable enough to recognize that we all suffer the same issues
to some degree, whether we want to admit to it or not however this friend for
some reason couldn’t. Really, I think up
till last night when we had a fantastic heart-to-heart, this amazing woman thought
she was unique in her mindset. This so
broke my heart. It’s one thing to know
that others share your pain; it’s another thing to suffer in silence.
Additionally, thanks to this
conversation, a blog was born. I took a
bit of time to soul search and here’s what I’ve been able to determine about
myself (I hope she reads this and can also take away some positive things and
recognize the common struggles within):
1.) I’m
one blessed human being for having such an amazing support system about
me. My family of course is often the
strongest factions however my friends? I
look at it sort of like this, they don’t have to be there, they choose/chose to
be which makes them my greatest non-paid cheerleaders. Without those people to turn towards, I’d be
a blubbering nervous insecure mess. But
on the flip side, your family and friends can also diminish you however it’s up
to you to allow that to happen. Just don’t.
2.) I
do not allow others to determine my own worth/self-image. I used to do this at the drop of a hat. Any fool cold come by and mindlessly say
something and voila, I’d crumble. Seriously,
I’d die inside. For weeks I would
literally let that one comment to decree my mood. And then one day, I stopped. I woke up within myself and realized that I
was harming no one in the world but myself.
So the next time someone said something that brought them pleasure in
putting me down (keeping in mind that I’m able to differentiate between jokes
and insults), I just turned around, looked at the person and said “stop”. Guess what?
They did. It’s a battle I fight
every single day, to this day.
3.) I’ve
stopped caring about what others think about me. I’m a good person (no, I’m actually not being
narcissistic about this). Not a great
one, mind you, just a good one and that’s all I’m aiming to be until the day I
draw my last breath. I want people
generally to walk away from me and think, ‘well she’s nice’. That’s my aim in life. Isn’t all that hard, right? It’s taken me a long time to get to the point
where this is all I actually want, FYI. But
before I craved to impress the crap out of everyone I met. I worked to so hard to be what they wanted
(or thought) that I lost myself in the mix, most certainly ignored over and
over again what it was that I wanted.
Frankly, living for others, suck.
I’m done with that. If you don’t
like me for the person I am? You don’t have
to like me at all. (This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned). If you don’t like that I’m a short rotund
opinionated smartass, then okay, there’s the door, use it. Believe me, if you don’t like me, someone
else in this great big ginormous world of ours, does.
4.) I
will not follow the beat to anyone else’s drum.
It’s actually quite natural to do so.
We humans are sheep, lemmings, we will actually jump off that bridge
everyone else does simply to feel included.
We are idiots of the greatest degree and we have brains, although we don’t
always use them. We often cannot make
decisions for ourselves without consulting friends/family/random internet
research. I have been guilty of this as
well, and yes, still am. But it’s not as
bad as before. Now I just listen to my
inner voice and trust it.
5.) And
speaking of trust, I trust me. Does
anyone know how hard this is? Simply to
trust one’s inner self is about the most difficult thing to do. A few out there are confident (sometimes
arrogant, some downright douchebaggy) enough to be able to allow them own
selves to steer their boat of life without a compass. Oh boy and do I admire those
individuals. Me? I didn’t know how to do that. I’ve grown up in a culture (not religion, let
me clarify) which crippled me in this aspect.
For most of my childhood and well into adult life, I’ve trusted nothing that
I believed in, wanted to do, or said. It
was nothing but double guessing my inner voice/reasoning until indecision
gripped me. No more. I’ve been a hypocrite long enough. If I can give solid advice to friends about
their lives, why can’t I take my own? So
now this is me, taking my own.
6.) I’m
big. I own it. This is something I’ve addressed on so many
occasions, I can’t possibly count. But I
am. Did you flinch? Well, I’m sorry if my admission makes you
uncomfortable. I’m not. Haha, that doesn’t mean I was always so blasé
about my size. God knows, I hated myself
(sometimes that hate comes back to say hello every once in a while) for far too
many years to count. I was consumed with
self-loathing and disgust. I used to
look at magazines, television, random women walking by, friends and family
members and think, “why can’t I be like her?” and naturally I would assume that
every man out there wanted “that” sort of woman, anything less was simply…repulsive. What I didn’t want to acknowledge was that if
our DNA’s are different, then of course our likes and dislikes would be. And when this realization seeped in, that’s
when I owned my weight. And I still
do. When I want to lose all this, I
will. Until then, keep your damn opinion
to yourself regarding it, thanks!
7.) I’ve
lifted my chin up to the world. Don’t
understand this? For a few of you who is
reading, you are even now nodding solemnly thinking, “oh yes”. What is it though, the rest may be
wondering. It’s when one walks around
looking at the ground, embarrassed by the very person who they have turned into…whatever
that is but what it’s not? What we ‘imagined’
we would be. Regardless, we walk around
with our noses in a book, or eyes glued to a cell phone, avoiding eye contact
with anyone in fear that someone may be looking back. We are the wall flowers of the world, no
matter how much our natural inclinations would lead us to be different, we
shrink away from attention. Oh the years
where I did this. I think back to them
and feel a sense of loss for the opportunity to fully ‘live’ life because I
simply wasn’t willing. Now, no mas. I’m not going to gasp my last breath thinking,
“if only…” To hell with that.
Okay but seriously, can I not
write shorter blogs? *sigh*
My friend out there, I hope you
read this. I hope you can grasp how
difficult all these things are and this none of the above just came to me in
one second and I altered myself as swiftly.
Every day of existence has been a struggle so your path isn’t easy but
here’s the trick, no one will heal you, but yourself.
Be strong.
Okay, music class soon! Gotta go and start manically practicing for
the next hour so that my dad doesn’t knock my block off.
As usual, Happy Ramadan’ing.
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