Ramadan 2014 Day 6, 7 and 8 – July 4th thru 6th

I’m back!  This weekend has been long and exhausting.  I’m not even going to bother with retelling the details.  Suffice it to say that I spent a lot of time in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove (for a change, this is not an exaggeration).  How I got through all that, I’m still wondering.  My very spirit feels exhausted, still. 

So you may be wondering, how is the fasting going?

I won’t lie, it’s a struggle.  Like big time.  Not for food or drink, I’ve said this before and the fact still remains, hunger and thirst does not in the least bother me.  Want to know what does bug the heck out of me, in fact not just myself but most likely nearly everyone else who is observing?  Those last endless 5 minutes just before it’s time to eat, without a doubt the most torture-filled ever also.  In effect it is actually recommended you sit in front of the food doing Ibadah while the delicious smells waft towards you slowly drives you insane.  I’m fairly certain this isn’t the intention behind why it’s commended; I think this is a valid assumption, is all. 

My mother was the worst about this!  She used to command that we turn off the TV and anything else that would distract us and make us sit at the table.  Now that I think of it, I can’t imagine how many times as a kid I must have broken the fast 2 minutes before the bell ringing because I was busy salivating.  Sigh…whatever anyone tries to imply to me about this strengthening ones spiritual core, I say it’s just SO WRONG!!!!!

Anyhoo…I’m not superhuman, I admit that those final few minutes before breaking fast I usually feel a bit insane, like “I swear to God if that clock doesn’t move faster I’m going to go postal” sorta insane.  Not good.  Being a salivating goat in front of the food is just not the thing to do, bad form.  There’s also the pesky fact that generally speaking others don’t like it when their Iftar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iftar) is drooled upon.  They tend not to want to consume the offering and whereas that may be good for the drool-er, the drool-ee may not feel the same.

Yesterday was the worst.  I watched every second of the clock slowly click, click, click by during those last few unbearable minutes and a thought occurred to me at one point, “this is the longest minute ever, did someone sneak in a few extra seconds for sh*ts and giggles?”  What a little conspiracy theorist I was being.

Right, so hunger and thirst, other than that last 5 minutes, isn’t a big issue for me.  I sort of feel good about this fact.  Which fact?  That I can control my baser needs, or so I think.  Actually no, I know I can.  I should give myself a bit more credit once in a while and this is one of them.  I’m good at controlling my inner needs.  Now you can read into that any which way you like.  Granted I can’t and won’t say I’m the only one.  Hey, there is something like 1.7 billion Muslims out there who even now are controlling, with an iron fist, their needs and desires during this month in particular.  To the outsider, it seems like an awful lot to have to sacrifice.  To us?  Not really. 

Now that I think of it, it’s the #1 question/comment I hear from non-Muslims when they learn of the so called ‘rules’.

Here are a few examples of their comments and in the parenthetical my mental responses:

*Seriously, not even a drop of water? (Nope Sweetheart, not even a drop, now go do your Lent and give up beer or chocolate.  Wow, that’s mean.  I’m smh at myself.  Um…Just so you know, when I think this uncharitably I can assure you that it is accompanied with plenty of guilty feelings right away.)
*That can’t be healthy, you’re doing yourself harm. (Okay, well you seem to know better than God, so let’s go with your edict and I’ll stop now…gimme you’re coke.  I don’t feel the least bad when I think this.  Quit trying to be my doc and you know in reality you don’t care because if you did you would also take the time out to educate yourself in knowing what the fast is all about.)
*But wait, not even like, a cup of water? (If I can’t have a drop, how do you suppose a cup would work?)
*How about coffee?  (No, Boo-Boo, coffee is considered liquid.  No liquids, remember?)
*Okay, but what about bread?  (Someone give me a bat so I can just whack myself over the head with it.)
*Why would you do it?  Don’t you think it’s a little extreme? (Yes Hon, maybe it seems like it to you but not to me.  But worry not, your God isn’t asking you to do it so you don’t have to start to break into a sweat at the mere thought.  However, did you ever consider the health benefits from it?)
*But don’t you swallow your spit all day long?  How can you stop that? (This is actually a legit question and I can’t begrudge anyone for asking.  Yes, we swallow spit all day but we are doing it without much thought.  It’s a normal biological thingie.  Does that make sense?  I’m sure the word ‘thingie’ isn’t the technical term but there you go.  So the way the swallowing spit thing nulls and void ones fast is if it is done so with the sole intention of quench ones thirst.  Don’t shake your head. It is possible.)
*So you eat nothing, like for 30 days straight?  (Sun up to sun down, sun up to sun down, sun up to sun down.) 

FYI, it really isn’t as if we’re being told to starve.  If that’s what you think, please recheck your facts or re-read some of my old blogs.  That is not what Ramadan is about at all.  Remember this, if you can recall nothing else at all:  God will never ask us to do more than what we can nor demand from us more than we can give. 

But yes, 30 days of fasting during day light hours (approximately 15-17 hours a day depending on where you live) sans even a drop of water, does sound ridiculous, doesn’t it?  Here’s a good way of looking at it for the rest of you out there, it’s more or less an extreme form of detox.  Then again at night when you are free to eat, it’s not like most hold themselves back and consume just fruits and veggies (*pulls a face*) and trust me, no one is portion controlling either.  More or less you’re taking your day and switching it to night and vice versa. 

Okay, enough about this fast.  I didn’t learn squat these last few days other than the ability to ignore hunger, still work ridiculous hours in the kitchen while not fainting from exhaustion and be able to make a trip to the grocery store for the first time ever and not buy ginormous amounts of ludicrous edibles.  I suppose these things are worth being proud over, right?

 But other than fasting, the other significant thing that happened over the long weekend was that we celebrated Independence Day.  Happy Birthday, Umrica!!! 

What did I do?  Unlike millions of folks living here who were inevitably gorging themselves on grilled yumminess, the Muslim’s (yes, there are plenty of Muslim American’s, you dweeb you) were probably watching shows on Food Network wishing they could eat a hamburger or possibly standing outside allowing their neighbors BBQ smells to 2^nd hand smoke them to death.  That’s about the best one can do anyhow.  It’s not easy to get too enthused about going to a barbeque or a trip to the fireworks when your legs feel like jelly from lack of energy.

Still P and I went over to join family where we all broke fast together.  The drive to our destination was so not fun because it seemed like nearly all avenues leading out of the area had road blocks up.  The DC fireworks aren’t so far away and one can get a good view if one wants, which is why blockages spring up everywhere and you never know where they will be.  It’s super annoying.  There was a lot of doubling back and going round and round in circles.  By the time we reached our destination I wanted to slump onto a sofa and pass out.  That wouldn’t be nice though, guests don’t do that. 

After breaking fast and praying, we all quickly trooped over to the local community college where pyrotechnics would begin at promptly at 9:15pm.  Dragging bootay the whole way we managed to find a spot, spread out a blanket and collapse.  I wasn’t in a terribly social mood, lately it never seems like I am.  For the most part my heart simply isn’t into banal conversation much anymore.  Instead I decided to engross myself in watching the activity around me.

Families, friends, couples, humanity hummed around.  I felt bizarrely detached as I heard the ruckus, picked up snippets of conversations that floated by.  And as my head was tipped up towards the sky watching it explode with color and sound, I cried (no, not in delight or awe but rather sorrow and a deep sense of emptiness and loss).  A steady stream of salty water leaked from my eyes, down my jaw, some into the hairline while more down the column of my neck into the soft fabric of the shirt.  I cried for nearly 25 minutes, the precise length of the display.  Did anyone notice?  Well, in case you didn’t know I have mastered the art of hiding my sorrow/grief/sadness/unhappiness from the world (because most don’t really care anyhow).  So did anyone see the tears?  Nope, no one was the wiser, not a single soul.  It also helped that darkness had also settled around and everyone else’s focus was on the fireworks.  I really think sometimes I deserve an Oscar.  Oh well.  What made me cry?  This is one thing I’ll keep to myself.

Much, much, later that night as I sat on my front stoop taking a moment to appreciating the quiet of the darkness I struggled to give myself a pep talk.  This too shall pass, you will get over this, what doesn’t kill you make you stronger, tomorrow is another day, and all sorts of other mindless clichés went zipping through my head.  None of it helped.  I wanted to spork myself in the jugular, that’s how exasperated I was at my own mindless facileness.  I leaned back on my hands gazing up.  There were stars out but the soft glow from the streets never gave one a totally clear view of the twinkling brilliance high overhead.

After an hour I retreated, having allowed the soft chirping of the crickets to soothe me to some degree, then went inside to systematically lock the doors, secure windows, turn on the alarm and slide into bed where…I cried some more. 

Sometimes, we just need to cry, even if it’s for no reason whatsoever. 

It is what it is.

Don’t feel alarmed reading this.  I know some of you, very close to me, will want to know what’s wrong.  It’s nothing that most of us don’t deal with here and there, personal crisis that is between us and our own souls.  I may blog and write down my thoughts, but even to me, some of it is far too personal to share.