Note: The picture above has nothing to do with this
blog but it’s HILARIOUS hence I use it. Don’t
question the workings of a demented mind.
Today I’ve struggled, a lot. I woke up this morning and was immediately
hit with a tidal wave of nausea and dizziness.
I somehow stumbled to the bathroom and drank a big glass of water
without thinking hence bringing my fast to an abrupt end. Just so you know, if you do happen to
accidently consume something, it doesn’t immediately null and void your
fast. However, after fighting days of
the same symptoms, I realized that today wasn’t going to happen. Believe me, the decision not to fast is by no
means an easy one. And the guilt is
extreme. It doesn’t matter to me that with
a valid excuse one can make up a fast later, I just simply can’t stop feeling
bad about it nonetheless and almost consume the bare minimum throughout the day
just to lessen it.
You’ve heard of Jewish guilt,
right? Well it’s nothing compared to
Muslim guilt, believe you me.
I’m glad I did not keep it because
throughout my normal routine of getting ready; I actually had to sit down a few
times. My blood sugar level was bottoming
out, clearly. Before you even ask, yes, I did eat the late night meal so I don’t
know why, it’s best not to ask.
But in hindsight, I may as well
have fasted for how things went for the rest of the day.
I got to work with a bit more
energy and coffee in my hand, although the dizziness was still slightly present,
lurking at the edges of my consciousness. (Let me take a moment to say I’m sorry to
those who are fasting and reading this but I have to be honest on my blog, if
nowhere else. I assure you, my Brother
and Sister, if I ran into you on the street and knew you were observing, I
would break my neck in trying to hide the beverage but what’s the point in
lying on a blog?) I won’t lie, I’ve been
concerned about these spells and have considered going to the docs to get a
physical. This is an extreme thought for
the likes of me since I loathe doctors (another apology to my friends who are indeed
in the medical profession, j’adore you all!!! *hearts and flowers*). But this decision does give you insight into
how bad things have been.
I walked through the front doors
of work, heading to my office when I spied two doors down one of my colleagues. I lifted up a finger in indication that I
would need a minute, settled things into my space, and headed back out to join
her. She was loitering in front of
another friend’s office. I had some
apologizing to make for my uber quiet behavior the day before. As I mentioned, I’ve been fairly unsocial and
these two ladies in particular are very close to me at work. Ignoring them is usually not an option, not
even in my fantasies but they must have realized that I needed space yesterday
and gave it to me. But before I could
say a word, my friend S gave me a look that stopped me short and made me go “uh
oh, what’s wrong”. She whispered, “I
think I’m having a mild heart attack”.
Normally this sort of
announcement would have a person shriek in panic. Not me.
I don’t shriek, not even at bugs.
I looked back at her with my face almost impassive and asked
matter-of-factly, “and you need me to take you to the hospital.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes, please.” She whispered back with a small smile, and I
gave her one in return.
Long story short, she waited for
nearly another 3 hours before deciding that she really needed to go. I was on my way out to pick up some food,
because the shaking had started again, and popped my head into my boss’s office
where I knew she would be in a meeting.
I asked her if she was okay, told her I was headed for lunch, asked her
if she wanted anything and then…ratted her out to our mutual supervisor by
saying casually “she’s not feeling great, you should ask her about it.” Then I promptly shut the door closed to the
sounds of her exasperated sigh.
Anyhow I never got a chance to
get lunch. I got half way up the street
when I received her phone call asking me to come back. I pivoted without hesitation, ignoring the
hunger pangs and dizziness. I’m glad I
did too.
Did she have a heart attack? No.
After hours in the emergency room, the doctor determined that whereas
she hadn’t had a heart attack, there was indeed wrong and she needed to consult
with a cardiologist. During those long
hours of waiting for the reports to come back, she and I chatted, I made her
laugh and a friendship strengthened. I
sent a message out on FB asking for prayers and received, in turn, tons of them
for her. A few commented that she was
lucky to have a friend like me.
To be honest, these statements slightly
stumped me. I don’t think of myself as a
particularly fantasimo friend simply because I was willing to take another
friend to the hospital when in need. Isn’t
that basically…the right thing to do?
How can that be so awesome? Or
even noteworthy?
At one point while I was there
the HR Director (who I was sending updates to) emailed me and said it was nice
that I had taken her but shouldn’t feel obligated to stay. Okay, I rarely if ever do anything out of
pure obligation. To me that’s no way to
live and no one deserves it either because the word itself indicates a sense of
burden. She, nor any of my friends or
family, has ever been a burden to me. If
I do something it is out of pure love and caring, period, dot, end of story,
come again, bye bye. If I do not want to
do something, guess what? I don’t. And additionally, I expect nada in
return. I severely dislike those
individuals who go around doing good deeds with the expectancy of getting the
same back in return later and worst of all?
Brings up said good deeds every opportunity they get. Ugh, give it a rest!
Eventually her husband arrived
and I slipped out quietly. During my
commute I texted her with an “I heart you” and she texted back with “I heart
you too and thank you for being here for me”.
I pondered that for a minute thinking that it was very nice to be needed
and more importantly, trusted. That’s
not easy to come by, not that I know of and not in this pessimistic world.
Anyhow, en-route to work I was in
a cab where the Brazil vs Germany WC semifinal game was blaring from the
radio. The cabbie and I were discussing
it and within seconds of me getting in, Germany made their second goal. Not surprising in the least, what a beast of
a team. When I got to my destination, I
ran into the local pizza joint to pick up a soda (no, the shakes hadn’t stopped
and my blood sugar was pretty pissed at me), then I made a pit stop at the
ladies room and finally carved a beeline for the conference room to see what
the score was. In those 15 minutes the
score was 5-0 Germany. WOW. Epic fail.
And for those who live under a rock, the final score was 7-1
Germany.
I didn’t leave to go home till
pretty late since I had spent the day at the hospital and had stacks of
projects to address and once home I was exhausted. I still hadn’t consumed a morsel, nor managed
to take more than one sip of the soda I had purchased. Weak and still quite woozy, I watched the
clock not sure what I was waiting for, maybe Iftar? And then I received sad news about a family
member. It’s not information I wish to
share, it’s private but it saddened me greatly and hit me like a ton of
bricks. I couldn’t (can’t) fathom what
the people in question were (and are) going through but my prayers are with
them. Since receiving this news, my
heart has been heavy. Now don’t go
feeling bad for me, this isn’t about me, it’s about them and that’s how it
should stay.
Sigh, yes, it was a long day full
of ups and downs. Mostly downs, if one
really thinks about it. To top it off I
have been fighting this sadness that has stuck with me like curry on rice (with
chicken and potatoes…mmmmm) for a few weeks. I’ve tried to stave off the feeling of
depression, being overwhelmed and breaking down. I feel like I have to stay resilient instead
of retreating under a blanket and hiding out from the world. Withdrawing is not acceptable. I am expected to always be ‘on’ or so I’ve
been told. So retreating? Yea, that’s not a possibility, I
suppose. The only consolation I can give
myself these days is that others (I’ve given you two good example of who these ‘others’
are above) are facing much larger and graver problems.
I should zip it and suck it up.
Anyhow, it’s late. I’m once again sleepless and full of insomnia
(if that’s possible). I used to love
nighttime and now I dread it because it heralds in quiet thoughts. I don’t like to be left alone with my
thoughts anymore.
On a different note, I’ve been
thinking about Zumba classes. Remember I
wrote a list of things that I could do around these parts? Well I’ve managed to whittle that list down
to two things: Zumba and painting. Yes, I’m sure a lot of you are shocked, or
maybe rolling your eyes. That’s fine, oh
doubtful ones, its fine. I shall prove
you wrong. Unfortunately this can’t
happen until after Ramadan is over (picture me trying to Zumba it up whilst
fasting…not a pretty one, eh?).
Actually, right after Ramadan and I mean like the next day, I’m flying
out to Seattle to attend a friend’s wedding so I guess Zumba will be pushed
back another week.
You would be right if you vaguely
recall me writing a few blog entries about Seattle approximately a year ago,
because indeed I was there, for another friend’s wedding. I’m not sure what sort of funky conspiracy my
buddies are concocting against me but they all seem to love going and getting
hitched clear on the opposite side of this particular landmass which in essence
is clearing out not only my bank account but also my PTO. No, I ain’t bitter…much.
So yea, after I get back from Seattle
(and borrowing a popular saying from my generation) it’s on like Donkey Kong! I also seriously need to distract myself…like
seriously before all my blogs become sad pathetic mournful stories about my super
depressing existence and how I want to be run over by a stamped of bearded
goats (not really but the visual is pretty funny, you got to admit).
Anyhow, time to hit the
sack.
Night, night, Crickets. Happy Fasting J
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