I posted a blog about the situation between Israel and Gaza yesterday. Let me reiterate how very hard that one was to write. I tried firmly not to take sides and simplify it to what it is: human’s dying. But writing the blog without any prejudice or political statements shining through was difficult and took a toll on me. I’m far too close to my writing to really be able to say if I was successful in my endeavor, I can only hope that as folks read it, they took it for what it was. However, I’ve seen the traffic in Google analytics and know people are reading. That’s good. And as usual I’m always shocked that anyone would take the time to stop and waste time on my blathering. At the end of the day I am a no body with nothing but opinions, not even facts or a degree that can back up my statements.
Oh well, this is a blog, not a medical journal or
editorial in some big magazine/newspaper, right?
So thank you, if you managed to get through it,
thank you. Today’s blog won’t be quite
as…passionate. I assure you.
I’m going to step back about two days into the past
and speak of something I saw on FB.
Granted, lately a lot of my blogs have been inspired by what I’m seeing
on this particular social platform but if I counted on only what I’m
experiencing on a personal level, then all you would see is ‘I worked, I’m
tired, I’m overwhelmed, I need to sleep, woe is me’. As it is I write that sort of thing a lot
without even trying, and frankly my own whining sometime pisses me off. So instead I’m going to go ahead and keep
channeling my friend’s thoughts and try to put them into my own. Is this cheating? Absolutely.
Sue me.
An acquaintance, who is also Muslim and observing
Ramadan, posted something about how he hoped nearly every day that he would
conveniently forget and eat something (I’m old and lazy which means I don’t
remember clearly what was said and don’t have enough energy to go back to
peek). I won’t lie, I may have thought
this way once or twice before too.
Ahem. The comments after that was
what pinged my interest. A few friends joked
about it, teasing him and one pretty much said he doesn’t observe the fast. “This whole fasting thing is not for me” were
his exact words (I guess I’m not nearly as lazy as I believed myself to be).
After that, it was on. Like Donkey Kong!
The comments came fast and furious. Some said it was okay, and personal, others
said no, the rules are hard and fast, and that if you were going to observe,
observe totally, basically don’t half-ass it.
I sat back to think to myself, what do I believe and more importantly,
how personal did I think it to be?
I can’t lie if I said that I’m the best Muslim in
the universe and that I follow the rules to a T. I don’t.
Are you shocked? You shouldn’t
be. Seeing as how nearly every blog of
mine discusses struggles, the fact that I’m not precisely following Ramadan to
the letter shouldn’t be all that gasp worthy.
To me, I skirmish every day with myself trying to keep it together. This, however, applies towards life in
general, not just religion. Every single day I have to make a conscious
decision to be a good person, to be a kind person, to keep my sanity and to be
a Muslim not only in name but in action.
I fail, nearly every single day.
That’s not easy to admit, in the least. I can talk about Islam, I can write about it
but sometimes the practice of it is what eludes me. But it’s not enough, is it? Talking about it and writing about it hardly
equates to actually getting down and dirty, following the Quran and Allah (swt)
edicts. Does this make me a hypocrite? That I have the nerves of writing about the
religion and yet tussle with practicing?
Yes, maybe it does. Will I
stop? No. I won’t.
Additionally, in the comments of that post, someone
said basically that there’s no point in observing the fast when one doesn’t even
pray. I’ve heard this many, many times
before. And yes, this is true. What’s the point to starve yourself for one
month when you don’t follow any of the rules throughout the rest of the year?
But gosh, it’s sooooooooooo easy to say, isn’t it?
Let me just say this now: As easy as it is to be a follower of Islam,
it is equally as difficult to be practice.
I’ve grown up in a neighborhood where we have a huge Muslim community and
nearly everyone that I’ve met through that channel to me seems like such good
followers, in the true sense. They don’t
only observe Ramadan for one month; they observe the religion for the whole
year. It is ingrained in everything that
they do, every breath they take and even in what they eat and watch on tv. They are bringing up their children the same
way, passing onto the next generation the teachings of the prior. They, from the outside, seem to do this with
no problem at all. I am in awe of these
folks and think to myself, “wow, I’m so screwed”. I look at myself as a total and utter poser,
a loser…a fake-Muslim. Am I being harsh
on myself? Sure, that’s okay because I’m
in touch with my reality.
I know that my Iman (belief) is strong yet not in
practice. Mom yells at me every day to
pray. I do, and then it peters off,
forgotten in the midst of work, reading a book or sheer laziness. I fast without thought but when it comes time
to read a page of the Quran, I balk or suddenly overcome with sleepiness, or so
tired that my limbs won’t work. These
are not excuses folks, not acceptable ones at all.
And since I'm confessing anyhow, let me also put this out there. May be one of the biggest reasons I am not all that fantastic in practice of my religion is because to me (don't fret, I know this is false and completely ridiculous) by doing so, I'm going to end up missing out in a lot of things to experience. My country isn't Islamic, isn't inhabited by Muslim's only and I am not immersed in the cultural aspects of it either. So, the fear is that if I do this or that too much, then I'll not be able to have this or that experience, that I will be 'un-cool' and looked upon as an outsider. False, false, false. I am a fool, I own that. This is me speaking my heart. Try it in a forum like this and you'll understand just how crazy difficult it is.
Don’t think I don’t wonder what’s wrong with
me. Do not assume I’m not disgusted with
myself for being such a fraud in so many senses. I am.
But then again, I don’t believe I try to represent myself as the perfect
Muslim. I believe those who accept as
true the religion and practice as well, are the true blessed ones. They are carving their way to heaven, while
me…? This ‘while me’ keeps me awake at
nights. I can be as modern and forward
thinking as I wish, even pride myself on being intelligent, reasonable and
thoughtful but none of that will get me into paradise, now will it? Actions alone will, along with the spirit.
That, though, is between me and Allah (swt).
Do I think Islam is personal? Yes, absolutely. I think no one can answer for my actions
other than myself and truly Allah (swt) knows best. What is in my heart, once more Allah (swt) knows,
right? No matter what anyone says to me,
screams at me, demands for me to do, it won’t matter unless I’m willing to
accept it and not over intellectualize it, which is my biggest issue anyhow. But still, it’s between me and God, and no
one else.
Do I believe Islam is hard lined? Yes, to some degree it is and to some it is
not. For every decree, there is an
alternative option. For every hardship,
there is an explanation. There are few
things in the religion itself that doesn’t make any sense. There are barely any deeds that we do that
have no meaning behind it, either for health benefits, spiritual benefits,
physical benefits, and even in many cases, scientific reasoning. But…still I believe religion is
personal.
Well, now you know, don’t you? I’m not perfect. Then again I have never, ever claimed to be
so anyhow. I’m actually far too
human. My head is often filled with mischief
and my mind is constantly in dark places.
I make not many excuses for being human but I can also freely admit that
I try to change, not that it works all the time. I am riddled with flaws. I embrace that fact as well as I am
embarrassed about it. But that's me, in a nutshell. I only pray that Allah (swt) will know what's in my heart, the person who I am, acknowledge that I try all the time to be better and most important, that only Allah (swt) can judge me. No one else quite matters, sorry if that doesn't sit well with you.
Phew, I think I feel a tad better that I’ve
admitted all this, wrote this blog. Good gosh. And if anyone out there who is reading this is
thinking, ‘yup, that’s so me,’ then I’m glad.
I’m really happy that I was able to write something that you may be able
to identify with and that possibly my silly blog was able to make you feel less
lonely in your own head and in your practice? You don't have to be a Muslim, a Jew, or a Christian, a Hindu or a Buddhist or any other myriad of religions out there. You just have to be human and not quite fit in.
Okay guys, I’m outta here. Gotta go to the beauty store to…erm…I mean go
home and pray. :D
Happy Ramadan’ing!!!!
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