Advice to Men Around the World
(listen up, this is good stuff)
A few days ago, I was out with a
friend enjoying lunch and as we left I felt the hairs on the back of my neck
stand at attention. As a general rule
I’ve learned not to ignore such signs so I snuck a look around to see if I
could spot the source. The area itself
was moderately populated with citizens who were intent upon enjoying a fairly
pretty, if not a bit windy, day. I saw
nothing and decided to ignore whatever it was that was making me feel
discomfort.
My friend and I stood outside of
the car chatting, talking about some nonsense which I can’t remember, laughing
but yet again the feeling that I was being watched was far too strong to
ignore. I didn’t want to worry my
companion, who I assure you would be, so did another look around. Nothing.
Maybe I was losing it? Maybe I
had lost my power to tune-in? I was apprehensive.
As we were departing, there was a
half consumed plastic bottle of liquid libation which I wanted to be rid
of. Spotting a garbage can, I scurried across
the parking lot heading towards it with a quick word to my friend. Turning my head slightly to the left as I
went, there was a bus stand not far, most likely about 50 feet or so and it
didn’t take long for me to spot a man who stood sporting an oversized green
jacket the color of biohazard goo. For
such a warmish day I had thought that the jacket itself was a bit much. I can’t remember what this man looked like,
only that he looked weathered with a healthy amount of facial hair. But what struck me odd was that he was turned
away from the street, fully away, facing me.
Trust me, aside from a few homes, there was nothing behind me that would
draw anyone’s attention. I’m not one to
unnecessarily flatter myself so to say he was zeroed in on my person is more a
fact than an assumption. And as I made
my way across the lot his head followed me.
I now knew where the weird
feeling came from earlier. I avoided his
gaze, getting back to my friend in short order and scrambling into the
car. Still the weirdo watched, flashing
me a brief smile/leer as we drove off. I
had to resist the urge to gag.
I’m sure he wasn’t an
unattractive person…I think. I’ve been
taught that every human being has an aspect of beauty within them. I guess with this dude, you had to look very,
very, very close. :\ Okay that was mean
and uncharitable of me. Oh well.
As we drove away though I
couldn’t help but think that whether or not that man was attractive, handsome,
a charmer, yada, yada…could one tell if he insisted on presenting himself as a
total and utter creeper?
Let me ask my male readers, why
do you do this? Really, I need to know. I’m
sure many of us females would like an answer. To be fair, I’m not implying that ALL men do
this or that women don’t but we (as in women) are a bit more careful, a bit
more understated, a bit more on the DL.
When we want a man to see our interest we show them, it’s as simple as
that and for the most part we try not to resemble a molester. But this dude…ugh. I feel a pang of revulsion just thinking
about the way his eyes stayed glued to me.
The need for a shower was strong after this incident.
Let me break this down for those
of you of the male persuasion. Want to
get a woman’s attention? Try not to
immediately undress her with your eyes.
If you find her attractive, a look or two would be appreciated but a
leer accompanying that look, not so much.
A friendly smile goes a long way, a respectful glance, a
non-intimidating stance as well. These
things aren’t hard to do. If it’s in
your nature to be a total leech, then talk to someone who can guide you. You got that one friend who always seems to
attract women, or who has a girlfriend?
Go find him. He probably has
advice you could use. Heck, you could
even do well by asking your mother, sister, aunt…someone, just don’t use your
own instincts; they clearly haven’t served you well.
And if you think you’re fine,
that your technique is ‘up to scratch’, how about you look around and if you got
no one standing beside you, maybe you ought to ask yourself precisely why,
Cupcake. Think about this: there are far more females on this planet
then males so honestly there’s no reason why you can’t manage to get one of
their attention, right? Yet there you
are in your boxers in front of the TV, scratching your unwashed self with the
sad remnants of fast food strewn about.
Mhmm…nice visual, right? Okay so
that may be a bit of an exaggeration. I
admit that generalizations can even get to me.
Here’s what you need to do
though, Mr. Creepy. Get up off that
couch, go shower (use some extra strong soap, even bleach if need be) and
shave, apply some lotion paying attention to those particularly rough spots,
make sure to brush your teeth, pull out some clean clothes that are ironed, spritz on a pleasant amount of
cologne (please don’t take a second bath in it) and then slip on some fairly
scuff free, not falling apart shoes. Then
get the heck out of your spot. If you
espy a woman you find attractive, do not stand back only to stare at her till
she wants to run away screaming for the Popo (for those who aren’t down with
the cool lingo, “popo” often means police).
Instead, how about you make her feel flattered by your attention; woo
her with glances that speak of your interest.
Put your eyeballs back in the sockets, wipe off the drool and for the
love of God, get that super uber wayyyyy creepy look out of your peepers.
Remember guys (cliché alert),
there is no second chance to make a first opinion.
Anyhow, consider this all good
useful advice. If no one ever told you
that you’re borderline creepster, that’s probably because they were scared of
being abducted and thrown into a pit somewhere that you yourself dug in your
basement. Just sayin’. If anything that I’ve written above slightly
reverberates in your skull I suggest you do some serious thinking. May be adopt some of the advice I’ve so
generously given and later, you can thank me with a blank check. You’re welcome, Cricket!
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