Yesterday, I was driving into work feeling like death warmed over. This was primarily because the hell hole that I call 'work' had me doing it's slave labor all weekend. I swear I put in more hours over this one flipping weekend than the whole damn week. But that's okay, it's a paycheck which means I can keep myself home-d, fed-ed, clothed, purse-d and scarf-ed, all good things I suppose. But man o man getting up this morning was pure and utter torture, more so than other days. I laid there listening to my alarm scream at me but my body refused to budge. Seriously I laid there like a bump on a log wondering how in the hell I had managed to kill a whole weekend by working as opposed to frolicking. You guys know by now that I can be a super bitter person but this morning I woke up down-right angry.
And this anger showed itself in many ways, such as when I got into the shower and threw the shampoo bottle onto the wet shower floor. And then, to my incredible irritation, it bounced out and onto the bathroom floor and rolled as far away from me as it could. Then there was the epic battle between me and my hair as I stood glaring at it for a long time wishing it would just be scared into doing itself. No dice. So I simply pulled it up into a very "I so don't have time for this crap" hairstyle and got going, which incidental means that I look like a homeless person.
To say that I was just 'in a bad mood' would be an understatement. By the time I joined traffic, I had to chant to myself "I shall not kill anyone who pisses me off today" over and over again like a litany in my head. I actually think I may have murmured the words aloud to be honest. But regardless at least the normal horrible DC rush hour seemed to be working with me (translate this to my 7 mile trip to work that normally takes me anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour wouldn't take that much, possibly only 40ish minutes). Yea, commuting here blows but I can't complain since I love this area and wouldn't be anywhere else. Well that's not entirely true, I mean if someone said move to Jamaica and open up a chicken shack on the beach, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
So I merged into traffic and sat there still muttering prayers of strength for patience when I look at my rear view mirror and what do I see? A chick, small and petite, very pretty really, who is holding a cell phone up to one ear yacking away while applying mascara! =\ If in case you couldn't figure out what was wrong with this picture, let me explain: NEITHER of her hands were on the blasted steering wheel, not one single solitary digit even. And she wasn't driving like this for a few measly feet, no she was doing this over plenty of asphalt. WHAT THE HELL???
Really, Lady? Really? You are going to help propagate an already horrible stereotype (one which may I just say is totally and utterly unfair) and prove that it's true after all? The whole stupid assumption that all women are dangerous, can not drive and will idiotically put on makeup in the car while she's actually driving, is okay with you? You couldn't have gotten up a few flippin' minutes early and flippin' put your darn idiotic face on before leaving the flippin' house? Really? No, instead you wait till you're in ridiculous rush hour traffic before you decide to apply like what seemed to be 10,000 coats of mascara (Does anyone in the world really need that much? How non-existent are your lashes precisely? Heck, do you find people yelping and telling you that you have a spider on your eye only to discover that it's caked on mascara? If they have, then tone back on the stuff okay Doll? Great, thanks!) onto one stupid eye while navigating a ton of moving metal that could go crashing into anyone at anytime because you were being a vapid unthinking git who felt it necessary to multi-task. Great...perfect...fan-freain'-tastic.
Hey, I mean never mind the others around you right? Their lives and safety isn't nearly as important as your stupid conversation and mascara application, correct? Forget the fact that may be there are kids in the other cars, or elderly, or hell just simple folks who are trying to get to work in one piece and obeying traffic laws! Pfft, clearly they (nor the laws) matter in the face of your lack of mascara, right? Sureeeeeee, I totally get you and your need for a beauty session while driving sans hands on the wheel in manic traffic. Mhmm. I, in fact, applaud you...yes.I.do.
And of course I'm right in front of her just waiting, and I mean waiting for her to rear end my beautiful Stella cause no kidding I was totally prepared to get out of the car, stomp over to her only to rip her little blond air filled head clean off her shoulder with my bare hands so that I could happily present it to the cop that would inevitably show up. I would also explain with glee what had happened and I'm sure no court in the land would convict me either. Personally I think my actions would be well justified at the end of the day and I could end up becoming a national hero...just sayin'.
Um, wow...so I just realized something as I re-read paragraph immediately above this and that is that I can really be a pretty violent person when consumed with towering (out)rage. Actually I always knew this but the deliciously evil thoughts written above even took me aback a little right now, I must confess.
Anyhow, using an abundance of caution so that I could avoid being thrown into jail due to road rage as well as committing a heinous crime and also because I had to get my butt to work before I found myself unemployed, I changed lanes and got away from the twit as quickly as I could in that horrible mess of a parking lot. Oh, the initial assumption that it would be a light traffic day was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Look ladies, I get it, you want to look 'purty' and the applying of makeup necessitates this happening however there is a time and place for everything. Putting on your 'face' while driving without either hand on the steering wheel is not it and let me just state the obvious here for one second: IT IS NOT OKAY! It's one thing to swipe on a quick lip gloss without taking your eyes off the road but this...this total disregard to life and limb (of yours or others around you) is just simply not acceptable.
Next time either get up 5 minutes earlier or scare a few people between your house and the ladies bathroom (or your office for that matter) but do NOT endanger the rest of us.
Consdier this a community service message if you must, one filled with disgust and anger but take it to heart, and stop being so damn narcissistic!
That is all.
I hear and feel you .. and you know that I'd help you hide any body any time
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