I didn't want to write another sad maudlin blog but honestly I can't help it. My life, whereas I thank God for it, sucks. Seems like everything that can go wrong, is. And I admit that I'm just totally ready to crawl into bed and not leave it for a really, really long time. What's causing this need to become a bed hermit? What's going on you're wondering?
Well...as you guys have read, we recently had a death in P's family, his grandmother to be specific and whereas she did live a long life, death is death and always difficult to grapple with. I told a friend about her death sometime last week when he had asked how I was and I answered 'okay'. He didn't think that response sounded like me and so after a bit of insistence on his part I spilled. His response caught me off-guard slightly as he said "must've been old...but RIP". I said that age doesn't matter, death is death and it hurts and his response back was "I disagree. The death of a child is vastly different from the death of a 100 year old but that's just my opinion."
Um...Okay. May be I'm too sensitive sometimes, or since P's Nani's death had happened a mere 2 days prior to this conversation, I was still very much tender and these words brought me no comfort whatsoever, in fact I became pissed. What the hell was wrong with this person? I didn't want to tell him, when I did, this is what he says? Is this normal? Are people this insensitive? I know I'm not. And I would never debate that a child's death would be/is way more tragic than that of one who lived a longish life but honestly was that the right time to say such a thing? On top of that, isn't it tragic when one lives a long but an unhappy life? Do we have to start going into details now? Why was it even a debate? Anyhow, so yea that wasn't a great convo to have had.
Then there is the fact that two other close family members in P's family are also in and out of the hospital fighting for life. In fact, these two are husband and wife. Here we were waiting word that any day that one of the two would leave us and instead we get word that Nani dies. I mean wow.
Okay and I know that what I'm about to say does not compare with death but hey this is my life and my blog so I have every right to jot down what I wish. Most of you who have kept up with my blog knows that I was laid off from work a little over a year ago...from a place that I really loved. And it took me a few months along with battling horrible depression to finally get off my butt and get myself a job. Even as I signed on the dotted line I will admit that something, a 6th sense or something, told me that this wasn't going to be a good fit and well...I should always listen to that damn voice in my head because it was totally right.
It is indeed a bad fit. Let me say no more about this in fear that I may start to slander left, right and center, risking some sort of law suit slapped against me. But one thing I can tell you is that I work nonstop. You wouldn't think so considering I manage to eek out posts every now and then but that's because I jot down things in-between billing. Which will explain why sometimes I'll start to write something for a particular day but end up posting it several days later and the references will seem a little off.
The thing is that I don't do anything that is about to save the world, hell not even one person. I'm not some powerful CEO, the head of an organization which employs thousands, indeed I'm not. Nor am I a great scientist looking for the next big cure to help humanity or even someone who is responsible to protect...well anything! I'm none of these things. I'm just another ho-hum worker bee that at the end of the day will probably leave no big legacy behind. No one may remember me, no one will recall all the good I've done, no one will give me a second thought and although this thought does bum me out, I accept that only a select few are blessed to make some sort of impact in this world. I don't begrudge them this because they've worked hard for what they've done while me...well okay so I lack that sort of get-up-and-go. I most certainly do not have that killer instinct that propels folks to incredible heights. Really, most of the time I'm just looking for moments where I can catch a few winks...I'm a simple person.
Still, I'm stuck in a rut which I want to get out of quickly. I used to find fulfillment in my job which I no longer possess and this makes the long hours of working that much more difficult when your very soul is crying out in agony. *sigh* In the last 2 months, I've worked every weekend, either Saturday, Sunday, or both. It's horrid. I'm a mess folks and every Monday morning brings fresh angst. This has got to stop right? But the economy isn't working with me and jobs are not abundant therefore the rut is here to stay for the time being. I guess I'll deal but it is a challenge for sure.
Oh also, up to about a week ago, P was also miserable at work. Two bitter people living under one roof is not fun FYI, just in case you were wondering but at least he was able to find another job fairly quickly and seems satisfied. I envy him and even am a tad jealous...of my own husband. How wrong is that?
Heck, I admit that lately I've been jealous, or may be I should say envious, of so may people who seem to be making strides forward in their existence while I sit stagnant. Bah.
And then today, as I was leaving work I was told that another family member just suffered a stroke and is right now in the hospital. I will not lie, I stood outside of work and the wind left me, my eyes misted and I let the tears flow from already red irritated eyes that had been staring at the computer for far too long. I realized that my reaction was mostly due to a combination of exhaustion and constant overwhelming bad news that had been coming at us for weeks along with my own personal issues as well as little to no rest at all but seriously, how many more challenges are going to be thrown my way?
Should I even ask this question? Am I jinxing myself? Does life ever stop throwing challenges our way? Heck no, of course not but it shouldn't be like this I don't think, right? I've heard people say that God will never give you more than you can handle. Um...right I'm not quite believing that right now. Frankly I think I'm a bit top-heavy in the challenges department. No more please.
My dearest readers, here's the plain fact: I'm tired.
Do me a fav? Say a little prayer if you can for yous truly? It doesn't have to be with you down on your knees with your hands clasped or even on a prayer mat, but just..like a quick murmured word of 'hey Lord, take it easy on her'. That would work too. I would appreciate it much.
I'm off to bed to mentally prepare for the week that approaches...pfft...as if I can ever.
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