I was sitting and talking to one of my colleagues a few weeks ago in my office, fighting post lunch coma. We were chatting about all sorts of random things which isn't weird for us. I'm not sure how one topic bleeds into a totally different one but before we knew it, we were discussing clothing. Now maybe a few of you male readers are thinking to yourself 'what's new about that, women are always talking about clothes,' but I'm here to inform you that we in fact rarely talk about fashion, at least my friends and myself. Sure we'll tell each other we look nice or speak of some sale here or there but that's the extent of it. We are intellectuals darn it.
I had mentioned to K, my sistah from another mistah, that back when I was working at another smaller law firm, shortly after returning to the east coast, I had given very little thought to my wardrobe. I hated the place I was employed at so much that dressing up to look pretty just wasn't top most on my list of things to-do. Actually just not slicing my wrist open topped that list to be perfectly honest. Yes, that's precisely how much I loathed it. And that feeling reflected in what I wore completely. The clothing choice for each new work day was generally elastic pleated pants (*horrific gasp*), shapeless over sized button up shirts that I didn't even bother to tuck in and clunky shoes that even the most typical fashion challenged nerd would reject. My hair was always up in a ponytail and I barely put on any eyeliner. I was a mess.
When I finally left that place and got myself a new gig, suddenly I felt like putting an effort into my appearance which meant I also went on a few shopping sprees (P wasn't thrilled about this fact although he was relieved to see me not looking like a bag lady). I hadn't realized how extremely different I looked until an x-colleague from the prior firm met up with me and was astonished at the transformation. She couldn't stop going on and on about how different I looked, how fashion forward I could be, how I seemed like a totally different person. Okay, so I mean I looked bad, but that bad? Hmmm...yea she was right. It was just that bad.
Now after years of sort of priding myself in the ability to put colors and patterns together, to be someone who would get a 'hey you look nice today' a few times a week, I've lapsed back into the whole 'I can't be bothered to dress for work' mentality. Does this tell you much about where I stand in my career?
I didn't even realize what I was doing until a few days after the convo with K regarding my old dressing habits, she said to me, not unkindly at all, that "I know you're unhappy here because you barely dress up anymore and you're always wearing that darn black hoodie". Ah yes, the infamous black hoodie which was/is my perpetual companion when everything seemed/seems to go wrong. Call me Linus if you must for my black hoodie was/is the equivalent to his blue blanket. Anyway that was the moment when it struck me that indeed, at least for me, my clothes do accurately reflect my state of mind. I had never really put the obvious signs together. And she was right. I am unhappy where I am and it reflects in every sense.
After this I noticed a few things about myself. Like when I'm in a good mood, I will sing (a lot), I apply a touch more eyeliner with a flourish making it a bit more dramatic, I will cook something that otherwise I wouldn't because of laziness or grumpiness and I will do something to my hair that makes me feel like a shampoo commercial model (well to me if to no one else). Hell, when I'm in a fantastic mood I've been known to roll down the windows of my car, slid open the sunroof and blast my radio as loud as my eardrums can take it only to totally rock out (have I dated myself by using the term "rock out"?) while singing along at the top of my lungs, no matter what the person in the car next to me thinks! I'll eve go as far as to smile at strangers...okay not widely but smile for sure. Everything I feel on the inside will somehow reflect itself outwardly. Now I see it more and I admit this is fascinating information about myself.
I recognize the fact that a lot of you out there are probably already greatly in tune with this phenomena, maybe even wondering how the heck I've been so clueless since this isn't really 'news' but hey, I have to make my own self discoveries at my own pace, right? We can't all achieve enlightenment exactly at the same moment of time, how boring would that be?
But seriously, why did it take a random conversation for me to see the obvious? How many obvious-es am I completely overlooking because I'm too dense or because I haven't had someone else point it out to me? Goodness gracious what sort of a bubble of denial do I live in? Would it be even called denial? Is that the right word? Maybe I lack the ability to self-realize. I always thought I was good at that but possibly not. This is weird in itself since many of my closest friends can attest to the fact that I am very savvy to what they're going through, the things that they ignore, I point out to them and help them find a way if necessary. I can look at a friends situation, mull it over and come up with a reasonable explanation as to why they are the way they are or why things happened the way it did that makes sense. Apparently I suck at doing that for myself.
So, to answer the question in the title of the blog, yes my clothes truly accurately reflect my state of mind. When I'm happy I care about every article of clothing that I put on and spend much time agonizing over it while when I'm in the 'screw-the-world-and-everyone-in-it" mind set, clothes are the last thing I'm considering, unless it's retail therapy I'm after in which case I'll buy the clothes only to put them in my closet and totally forget.
Let me ask you though, do you feel as if you do the same (about the clothes thing)? Have you ever really given it any thought at all or are you generally as tube-light-ish as me, often coming to some great realization ages after the rest of the world? I can't possibly be alone in the dark, can I?
I can't wait (yes, that's sarcasm) to see what else I 'learn' about me. I guess one could say that I'm growing, exploring, learning but at the same time jeez, shouldn't some of these things just come in a manual when you're born or may be instantly planted into your subconscious?
Okay, onwards and upwards I suppose.
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