Fate or Coincidence?

I wrote a blurb on FB yesterday amidst exhaustion about how funny fate is, not like 'ha ha' but rather...interesting funny. 

I thought more about this through the morning routine of getting ready for another crazy day at work.  I wasn’t precisely dragging my feet but the bounce in my step had ebbed for sure, even as I pulled on the monkey outfit that I was forced to wear due to client meetings.  I recall as a child I would watch the be-suited folks hurrying around in the city looking important and busy, thinking that I wanted to do the exact same one day, but now that I’m here…backsies!

Anyhow, chewing on my bottom lip, I thought of the word “fate” as I weaved in and out of traffic.  Do I believe in it, I was asked by a friend who I hadn’t spoken to in quite a while last night?  That was the flowering of the thought.  I answered, “yes” without hesitation.  But did I? 

This acquaintance, for not quite a friend yet, I had met not too long ago and have been able to establish a someone tenuous connection of sorts, enough to exchange words here and there.  I hadn’t heard from him in a hot minute and wanted to check in so quickly typed out a text to the extent of ‘hope things are well with you’.  He responded with, ‘not so great, but I’m surviving’.  I don’t know about you but I can’t ignore things like this.  I had to ask the obvious question not because of some distorted nosy need to just know but out of genuine concern for my fellow human.  He wouldn’t have said what he said if he didn’t in some way want to be asked, right?

I was surprised when he opened up, not taking even a moment to hesitate.  He told me that he was addicted to prescription drugs and was checking himself into rehab and that he was ‘terrified’.  My squishy heart instantly went out to him and instead of continuing the texting bit, we jumped onto the phone.  And yes, he was terrified, one could hear it in the slight nervous laughter.  He also have barely shared this information with anyone close, ‘not even mom’ as he put it.  I asked him why and he said he was ashamed.

We chatted for a bit, as I was on my way back to work at 9pm last night hence the conversation was shorter than it should have been but I did my bit in reassuring him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about and that what he was doing by admitting and then trying to rectify this addiction bespoke strength and courage.  He seemed somewhat mollified, thanked me for taking the time to listen and I disappeared into work. 

The question remains: was it fate that had me reaching back out to him so many months later?  It wasn’t like I was obligated to, I nearly deleted the texts we had exchanged ages ago, relegating him to one of the hundreds of names in my phone book but something made me pause and say to myself, ‘let me just see…’  and now I’m glad I did.  I think truly he needed someone to share his inner fears with ad that person just happened to be me.  No regrets here.

But was it fate? 

The negative side of me thinks that all this is total and utter bunk, that there is no “grand scheme” that leads us down particular paths to which we are supposed to come face-to-face with our destiny.  That ‘glass half empty’ part of who I am believes that everything is random and makes no damn sense and that we live and breathe in chaos.  Somehow this is not a comforting thought though. 

Then there’s the other more spiritual, far more trusting side (one that I repress a lot).  Possibly due to a huge injection of religion into my life from childhood, I do somehow believe that nothing is by chance, not a damn thing.  Much like the butterfly effect, even the smallest of actions has long lasting and unrealized repercussions.  Don’t think so?  Think that we make a plan and if we follow it then that’s where we get to as long as we don’t deviate?  Ever speak to a young child who gets accidently knocked up at the age of 15 and suddenly the very trajectory of her existence has changed?  You think that was truly planned?  No.  Fate was that she was supposed to be a mother.  She was supposed to meet the pimply faced horny football star who was going to impregnate her and then vamoose. 

Or how about the optimistic youth who dreamed of being a lawyer and then when it came time, he/she didn’t have the funds to see through law school?  Again one could easily argue that this isn’t fate at all but is it at all possible that it’s just the angle from which you’re looking at things?  Tilt your head or scrub your brain and ponder it again and the vision may be different?

I don’t purport to be the authority of everything psychological, not even by a long shot.  For the most part my blog is simply full of theories as to why things happen, what led to the eventuality and possibly how to resolve.  All of this was/is written from a very one-sided point of view (mine) and I’m not ashamed of that.  I don’t also believe that I’m so egotistical that I wouldn’t consider all the arguments that could be thrown to deflect these theories (hey, I worked in a profession where that’s all we do, deflect) nor that I wouldn’t bow to the greater wisdom and intelligence of others and reassess.  That doesn’t mean I will change my mind but I will see the other side of the argument as a valid one while agreeing to disagree.  The main thing here that I employ every day is the ability to actually look at things from another angle which would otherwise not have been one I would have considered.  In my humble opinion this makes me a better debater and a more well-rounded person all at the same time.  That’s what I’m asking for you, my reader, to do.

Fate, in fact, is pretty amusing.  Here’s a cool story that not many know:

Many moons ago, as my mother was manically looking for the right man to hitch me to, she scoured the desi newspapers and there, in black and white, was a matrimonial ad.  Finding it appealing she called and spoke to the brother of the gentleman who was ready to take the leap.  The two (the dudes bro and my mom) hit it off spectacularly but alas within a few short days we were leaving for Bdesh where the matrimonial market was indeed larger.  FYI, neither I, nor the poor sap who was being set up, knew that all this was happening.

The next three months in Bdesh was full of family fun and yes, meeting prospective bridegrooms.  It seemed as if everyone and their Nani’s (grandmothers) were anxious to fix a union between myself and some random (but eligible) guy who really, really wanted to ‘marry’ me (read that as ‘visa to the USA’).  I was, to say the least, neither the least interested nor amused for that matter.  The men were okay looking enough but the chemistry wasn’t there and most certainly the intelligence factor.  Then one fine day, my mom’s eldest sister showed me a picture of a gentleman who was not only pretty cute but lived in the states (read that as ‘no visa required’).  He called me for the first time long distance while I was still there a few days after and we clicked.  He was goofy and ridiculous and sincere.

The engagement was 3 months after meeting for the first time once I had returned to the States, the marriage another 3 months post.  But it was during the engagement party where the two families came together that fate also introduced itself.  Remember the schmo whose brother had posted that ad and who my mother had spoken to months and months before?  Yea, P’s older bro.  When we were told what had happened, both of us stood there agape feeling a bit offended that our peeps had to resort to putting ads out on our behalf and amazed at the sheer weird and bizarre coincidence.  What it boiled down to though?  This shit was meant to be.  Don’t think that’s some pretty funky fate?

The lesson still wasn’t learned back then, that fate steered our individual ships, although one would think that it would have been drilled into place shortly after the revelation?  But I’m stubborn and refused to believe that picking P wasn't my choice, all mine but rather some brilliant masterminding strategic planning with fate moving the pieces.  I believed that had the hand in my destiny, no one else. 

I’m an idiot. 

And as for the buddy who is terrified to enter rehab and face the detox period…well maybe fate reconnected us simply so that I could be that person who he reaches out to in his darkest hour for some sort of mental comfort?  I told him as much, that I would be here even if he decides not to take me up on that offer.   At least I did my part and he has heard the heartfelt proposal, right?

These, my dearest followers, are the moments of life where you realize that you may actually have a purpose and not just floating around in the ether for no reason.  I have pondered the meaning of life plenty of times, why am I here, what is my aim for being, why do I exist?  As a kid these thoughts never bothered me, I figured that I wasn’t all that special so it didn’t matter.  Not to say that the parentals didn’t remind me every day that I was a "special snowflake" (and don't take that in the more American smartass way).  But I surmised that the simplest reason for the presence of my being was to leave a carbon footprint behind, to use up some oxygen, to create a memory or two and then become one with the earth.  I accepted that but as childhood gave into adult consciousness, the questions haven’t been so easily brushed away.  I want more meaning to my life, to be able to say, ‘yes, that’s what I did…and it was worth living just to do it…”.

Was having a chat with this friend enough to prove the above?  That my life has completed its purpose?  Of course not!  I would never be so arrogant as to think that one act of kindness would give definition to an age old question.  Rather that I realize there are no chance encounters, no coincidences but in fact strategic placement of us at certain moments where two worlds collide, often for the bigger benefit of one while the other enjoys the residual afterglow.    Sure, it’s not always positive either, at least on the onset but once again it’s all about angles and how you look at things (as I mentioned above).

For example:

Think of that relationship, the toxic one which you were in and you may wonder, ‘how was that good?  What did that teach me?’  Yea, this is harder to see after suffering heartbreak.  This isn’t easily revealed.  But even in this sense I believe fate intervenes.  How is that?  Well, if before the relationship in question you were shy/introverted/anti-love/whatever and after you realized that you could get over your shyness, allow yourself to become more extroverted and yes, even believe that love is real, then those are lessons you were supposed to learn and you can thank fate for bringing the douchebag who, unwittingly, taught you them into your life.

See?  Or did I totally confuse you?

Anyhow, I hope that I’ve helped manage to enlighten you (in a non-professional, unqualified, rambling way) or at least given you something interesting to read during your down-time and you’re trying to look busy and the only option is to check out my blog so it appears as if you’re doing something interesting…regarding this particular topic.

Oh, the internet’s been down at work for the last 3 hours.  I’ve been freaking out since I need to deliver a production to a client by 2pm.  It’s now 12:48pm.  My heart has been beating out of control and my palms have been slightly damp (which never happens).  Nausea is but hairs breath away and my nerves are a jangled mess (this is some serious stuff here).  No one can really tell that I’m this freaked out, which is a good thing because my team doesn’t need the added pressure.  The only way I could think of calming myself down was to type out this blog since I could do nothing else other than pray.  I’m telling you this just so no one thinks I’m sitting around writing all this nonsense while complaining at the same time about how busy I am.  I assure you, I will pay for these 3 hours at the end of the day.

Alright, I’m off to hyperventilate some more.

Have a great day!