Let the Hugging Begin

I had a very interesting thought the other day which stemmed from a conversation with someone I greatly care for.  I don't really know why I hadn't thought of this before, I guess you can call it an epiphany and a lot of you may be going 'seriously Bina, you didn't know this???' but I have never been one who goes around thinking I know it all (although at times I can fool people into believing it just fine). 

The whole thing started with a simple question.  A loved one sitting in my car as we were driving somewhere.  This is a person a lot younger then me who is going through the general growing pains of life, unsure of herself, her surroundings, her world.  Everything is about being in angst.  Remember that feeling?  I do.  It was not fun.  I wouldn't give up anything, even the smallest amount, to go back in time to relive that, thanks.  Anyhow to give you a general idea of her age group, she thinks that 20 is 'omg so old'.  Yea. 

So she's sitting in my car and suddenly she says to me out of the blue, 'do you think I'm a good person?'

This sort of stills me as I'm busy navigating the crowded Alexandria thorough fair.  I glance at her with creased brow and ask "why would you think you're not?"

She sort of shrugs as teenagers tend to do and says "well I used to really think I wasn't but I've decided I am, still I'd like to know what you think."  The fact that she wants to know what I think isn't surprising.  She often seeks me out to get guidance, words of comfort or just to vent and I think a lot of it is because she understands that I can identify with her...remember, the whole growing up brown in a white world?  Well not just white but you know what I mean.

We chatted about her need to know whether she's a good person, I assured her that she was pretty darn kick ass and that she was destined to be an equally kick ass woman and human being.  I then reached out to caress her hair following that with a slight squeeze on her left shoulder.  Affection has always come naturally to me, particularly the comforting type which manifests in the physical.  A hug, a smile, a soft touch, a gentle stroke...hence I figured if I would want someone to do that to me, may be she would also?  She did and it showed in the way she closed her eyes for a brief second, softly smiled and released a barely audible sigh. 

Later on that night, I was stretched out in bed flipping through channels finding nothing of interest to watch, refusing to indulge in Christmas movies on Lifetime in fear that I would become burnt out by the time the holiday actually rolled around, and suddenly I thought about "her".  I have no interest in naming names therefore she will be known as "her" or otherwise "she" when appropriate. Try to stay with me.

The first thought was, gosh she sure is unsure of herself although she's working hard to fight it.  Then I started to wonder, why?  She's beautiful and smart, funny and creative, outgoing and fairly level headed even if she does have a temper about her.  She's not so stubborn that she won't listen to good advice although she sometimes is a know-it-all (like teenagers tend to be).  But this deep sense of insecurity?  Where doth it cometh from?

I went back a step and focused on her family.  They are a lovely unit really, nothing to talk about in a negative way, generally like any other family.  They face challenges like everyone else in the world and the parents have made their sacrifices to provide stability and opportunity to their children.  She is a middle child, so may be...middle child syndrome?  I immediately pictured Jan from the Brady Bunch screaming "Marsha Marsha Marsha!"  After a chuckle I added a bit of that to the thought pot and continued.  Teenage angst...of course and she's brown.  So there's a bit more that goes into that pot.  She has fights with her family, particularly her mom and her dad demands perfection and expects success (well whose doesn't?).  That too goes into the pot.  But as I mentally stirred it, I recalled the look on her face when I reached out to comfort her even though it truly was a split second but my eyes are fairly sharp.  I couldn't but help remembering once, a few months earlier, as I was embracing her on another occasion for some random reason, she snuggled into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and saying "oh I like it when you hug me."  Then too she had left out a little sigh, appearing very at peace (at least for that instant).

And then my brain sort of clicked into place (you could probably hear it in India...it was loud and since it rarely happens with me, distinct).  And this is where all this mental stirring and pot filling got me:  This child has not long ago come from the land of my forefathers...she is struggling hard to acclimate to a society which is new and fascinating to her but she is still yet out of place because of her past (mainly that she has not been in her adopted country for long) and her family who cling to the ways of the past.  There is nothing wrong with this, so don't misunderstand me.  The culture she predominantly grew up in (sans the last few years) was one in which signs of affection were not considered 'the thing' to do.  Not that everyone prescribed to this but for the most part, elders didn't embrace the younger.  Actually that's wrong.  Elders would embrace those that were not necessarily super close to them, like nieces, nephews, grandchildren...but not their own children.  Basically a sense of decorum was always well in place.

Personally I think this lack of physical touch is the biggest problem back in desi-land.  Of course there are bigger problems: poverty, corruption, some places class-ism, racial strife, religious wars...these things are in-your-face-can't-avoid-have-to-acknowledge ones but I'm talking about something very underlying when I mean the lack of physical affection.  I'm not saying that where I live presently is the best-est place on earth, we have plenty of problems, cultural, societal (is that a word even?) and emotional not mentioning all the ones listed above, this stuff seems to come parcel and package with humanity in general but for the most part it is acceptable to show affection almost anywhere here.  Now now, I'm not speaking of groping and shoving ones tongue down another's throats in the middle of a toy store (I mean seriously take that home okay?), get your minds outta the gutter.  We're talking about the sort of affection that comes along with what I like to call 'the warm and fuzzies' which could be aimed at nearly anyone/everyone.

And it's not just the physical affection but the verbal encouragement that comes along with it, like positive reinforcement.  Those things are important I tell you!  And I think since society as a whole in South Asia frowns upon that sort of thing (at least the physical for sure) I think it seriously stunts ones growth.  I mean okay so I'm not professing to be a psychologist or a therapist of any sort but these are just things that make sense to me.  If you weren't hugged or told that you were fantastic or you could do anything that you set your mind to, why would you be expected to grow up and turn around to show that same affection to someone else or know to use such loving encouraging words?  No doubt there are plenty of people out there who have broken free from the chains of the society they grew up in and that's fantastic but I'm talking about the general populace here.  Basically you have a whole country of non-huggers who probably are much more closed off and shut down (not to mention quick tempered, less tolerant and angry in general). 

Look we got problems here in the States, a lot of them but some of the basic things that I see wrong with India we just don't have here because societies rules are a bit more relaxed (some may argue a bit TOO laxed but hey whatever) and tolerance is preached in literally every school in every corner of the land (here).  We do fight amongst ourselves but really it's a bit more civil.  You can hate your neighbor but you're not liable to take a bat to them (that too is cause you fear them pressing charges against you).

Here's something I read that I found interesting...

"Virgina Satir, who was often referred to as the mother of family therapy, determined that “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” Her presumption is backed by research, which consistently demonstrates that our emotional well being is deeply impacted by the physical love we experience and that touch and hugging are primary vehicles in the brain’s development of basic positive emotions.  According to Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist at Bath University, “Touch affects the cerebellar brain system, an area of the brain where basic positive emotions such as trust and affection probably come from.”"

Seriously, that's some interesting stuff right?

Thankfully, my parents, including their families, have always been super loving and verbally affectionate.  I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been accosted by my mother or father for a hug and or a smooch on the forehead and to be honest I've seen how that affection alone has manifested itself in my life.  Since that's all I've known, I am quick to stretch my arms out wide and go 'c'mon, gimme a hug...bring it in' and I've never shied away from giving the quick peck on the cheek or croon out a 'honey' or 'sweetie'.  Good job Ammu and Abbu! 

Back to her.  I also know this girl well and her family along with her extended and I can tell you for a fact that they don't believe in 'the mushy stuff'.  The warm and fuzzies come in the form of 'want something to eat?' or 'you look tired, go to bed'.  As adults we can grasp that these too are forms of affection but as a child it's nothing but irritating.  When she seeks approval, she gets a nod or a few short words while she sees her American counterparts (not all, but most) who get hugs, kisses and fawning.  I believe she's angry about this and I did my best to explain to her that her parents culture played a big part in them being the way that they are.  More importantly I explained that her parents were proud of her but just didn't know how to show it and that may be the way they did was in their grunts and quick 'good job'?  

She is a cool enough kid and nodded her head solemnly post my explanations.  I could see that she tried to understand although I believe completely grasping this is beyond her at this moment of her life.  The concept of 'product of ones environment' is still a bit fuzzy to her.  However she is young and sensitive, there is yet hope and time.

But here's what I understood and what I'm taking away from this:  what we take for granted, something as simple as a smile, an encouraging word maybe a quick hug, goes a long way in bringing someone else joy.  We may not see how it manifests in that moment as they walk away or if it even lingers as a memory but at least, I think, that these things have their benefits.  Like milk, a good education, exercise...the affects are long lasting and only positive.  Then the question becomes, what's the harm?  Nothing that I can see.

So I say, get out there and start a-huggin'.  If you haven't hugged your kid today, go do it for petes sake (who is this Pete btw?).  If your parents are in the other room watching TV or doing whatever, hell go pounce!  If your husband/wife/significant other seems stressed, hug it right outta them!

Basically...Let the Hugging Begin!