"50 Shades of Grey" or should I say ... "Crap"?

**Note:  This blog would be Rated "R" if it was to have a rating so please don't read if you tend to get offended quickly or blush at the mention of something on a more intimate nature**

Should you consider this blog more of a book review than anything else?  Okay yes, it totally is and am glad that I could pull my brain out of this weird sexual haze long enough to write this. 

I'm always late about everything it seems.  Before I had thought it was just mostly time related...like I'm notorious for being late for almost any appointment.  Wait no, that's actually not correct.  I was far more well known for my tardiness as a young college girl (such as when I once walked triumphantly in to a Estates Law class 1 hour and 45 minutes late on a Saturday morning just as the rest of the class was being dismissed resulting in my butt getting chewed out by the professor (who seemed to be looking for a reason to fail me).  So may be he was legit in his anger but seriously, I mean did he have to yell so loud?  Sheesh.  And the fact that I said that he needed to take his blood pressure medicine didn't really go down well with him but I was slightly concerned...no one should turn that weird shade of red and truly I was just giving him a kind reminder...ingrates I tell ya...*ahem*).  I so digress!  

Anyhow, throughout a youth of people assuming I would, naturally, always be late for everything I vowed that as an adult I would break free from this notion and show the world: yes I too can be on time.  For the most part I'm painfully aware of time and well...not messing with it (for those friends who know me well, please stop smirking and shut up, let me live in my own little delusional world, thanks).  But apparently there are things that I am not at all 'in time' for such as sleeping on time, eating on time, and specifically speaking for the sake of this blog...catching the popular books when they are popular and the vast majority of the public is enthralled with them.  Like for instance Harry Potter, Twilight  and The Hunger Games books.  These apparently were released and consumed voraciously by the public long before I discovered them  (and honestly I wasn't cool enough to have stumbled across them on my own but rather I had to be smacked upside the head with a copy of them by some friend).  And for those books, I commend the public for knowing their stuff...

But 50 Shades of Grey...I picked it up with hope that like the others, this would also blow me away.  Truly I think once the last Potter book was written and the final Twilight was released, and the 'games' were over, we as the general public have been looking for the next sensation, almost desperately.   Um...not quite with Grey though.  In fact it's so bad that I felt that a blog dedicated to this alone was necessary.  And my mind keeps asking the same question over again:  why o why is anyone enthralled with this piece of [insert expletive here]??  BTW, let me apologize to my friend who let me borrow this, I don't mean at all to say that you aren't justified in liking the book and I can see why someone would be compelled to read it and get enjoyment out of it...but my problem is a bit different as to why I don't/can't/won't ever 'get' the public fan fair and fascination with this piece of...um...can I really call it literature? 

Here's the first problem...the characters. The  handsome billionaire untouchable rake falling for the rather mousy but actually hot down-to-earth shockingly insightful nubile young innocent.  Bleh.  He has endless funds, she has endless innocence.  He's never ever come across love and she's never ever come across her...fingers (if you know what I mean). OH PUHLEEZ.  How many of you guys know either one of these two types of characters in real, even some part of them?  Sure say to me, 'but Bina, they are characters in a novel, so what if they're slightly unbelievable?'  Yes, I would agree...totally true, but then slap on a 'Fantasy' category/sticker on it and move on.  Non-Fiction is just too mild a word for this. 

The second problem is the plot and this is a biggie.  It's like every Mills & Boons plus Harlequin romance novel plot mashed together except this time you throw in an indecent amount of erotica (actually not erotica, plain old sex) and voila...50 Shades of Porn.  It's like every 3 pages is setting you up for another sex scene.  This much erotica isn't even found on porn sites I don't think.  The fact is, the plot plays a minor roll in this book, the lead character is the sex.  Do not mistake this fact when you pick it up to start reading.  Let me stop there. 

Thirdly, repetition.  This one is endless and endless and endless...as endless as me typing the word 'endless'.  Jesus how many times can an author actually write out (and that too in one book) "oh my"..."tilts head"..."bites lower lip" without referencing the thesaurus even once fearing redundancy?  Where the heck is her editor?  Her publisher?   Oh yes, they're busy getting royalty checks.  Never mind then.  But why didn't anyone, may be a friend, someone who wasn't liable to make a dime out of the book read those very lines and didn't bother to say to her 'hey can you change this up a bit?'  Jeez.

Fourth(ly), the writing itself.  I just mentioned about the repetition but let me also extend that to how simplistic, banal, boring and absolutely horribly written this thing is.  I sound harsh no?  After all here I am an aspiring writer openly criticizing another of my ilk (hopefully I too will be published one day) and may be I should be kinder.  Hell I don't think I'm all that great a writer really, amusing at best sometimes thoughtful and generally connected to reality but I know I make tons of grammar and spelling mistakes and that many probably read me and think to themselves "oh please shut up" but I can assure you that I could never write something this...not well written, and see it published with my name attached to it.  No thanks.

Lastly, the sex.  Boy o boy does this thing have sex in it.  Sex scene after sex scene.  And not just regular sex, no every sort of sex under the damn sun.  So you'd think, hey I'll read something unusual/interesting/stimulating?  Um...well frankly lower those expectations Sweetheart.  So far (and yes, I've only but barely managed to get through 3/4ths of the book and therefore probably am not fully knowledgeable as to what will happen near the end of book 1 or in the 2nd and 3rd books) it seems as if there is nothing really noteworthy to speak of which is a shame because most of the focus is on the BDSM alternative lifestyle.  Yet as in all good romance novels...it appears as if beauty is in fact taming the beast while submitting to him.  Hello...what's special about this?  Even the BDSM is lame...or so it appears to me.  If you're gonna read erotica, please, go find it somewhere else, it's often better written, more imaginative and if you like BDSM, then you'd probably be far more satisfied.

So ask me why I think that this book has become such a sensation even when clearly it is badly written, is mind-numbingly typical and so redundant that you could practically guess what'll happen next (hint:  they will have sex)?  Well...I heard that it's basically categorized as "mommy porn" and to be honest I think that's an insult to mommy's all over the universe.  It's almost as if one is saying that stay-at-home mothers have no discerning taste and could care less about the quality of the writing, just the sex as opposed to the rest of society who may be out in the world working and therefore...what...more sophisticated in their tastes?  Bah!  Sorry, I've had plenty of stay-at-home-to-take-care-of-the-kids-mom friends who have expressed their disgust with the weak writing (although the sex scenes has/can get...um...ones inner core heated...regardless of whether you're stuck to home and hearth or at a desk in some building).  This is just not a legitimate excuse enough for me and the reason this thing is so popular.  So what is it?

Okay here's the real reason as to why I think that it's such an out of control hit.  It's cause right on the front of the book as big as brass is the declaration "#1 on the New York Times Best Sellers List"  (you can't see it in the picture above but if you possess a copy, it's there, at least the one I have at home does) and this endorsement (well okay may be not endorsement but statement) alone almost puts a stamp of approval on it, as if it's legitimate.  It's like saying 'sure you can totally read this out in public because the New York Times said it's okay'.  And so where we can't normally walk around with a book that screams 'erotica' on the front (or frankly a copy of Playboy, or Hustler openly indulging) like we can with books that say are more mainstream popular non-fiction, fiction, etc...lo and behold, it is suddenly okay and accepted (not the dirty magazines, that is still not okay so boys put it away) to indulge in erotica on the metro, at the park, sitting by the pool... Never mind that it's badly written  (I'm talkin' about the book again, let's not mix things up here...and yes I've repeated this over and over again because that's how strongly I want to stress it) or that it has the ability to single-handedly drop your IQ several points by indulging in a few simple lines even...it's OK cause the NY Times Best Sellers List says so!!  Then the added fact that there is a LOT of sex in this book...did I mention this already?  I mean seriously people...a lot.  If you're okay with that, then hell this is it for you just don't expect much an original plot line (yea I know I said that also before). 

Now really, I'm not the snob that I kinda come off sounding at this point.  I do read and a lot.  I do not always stick to serious stuff and yes, I have read erotica.  I admit it.  Some of you may be shocked by this admission but really, grow up.  All of us above a certain age have but if you don't want to admit it, hey that's fine with me Pumpkin.  I enjoy a vast genre of books which include fantasy, non-fiction and a lot of fiction.  I adore chick-books and my heart even yearns for a good romance every now and then.  The thing that I really look for is the writing style itself and the originality.  If those two things are missing, the book is a complete fail and I put it back on my bookshelf until the next book drive/donation. 

Anyhow, you've all gotten my two cents regarding 50 Shades.  Should this "review" deter you from reading it?  I don't think it should because this is purely my opinion and you deserve to slack your own curiosity under your own terms...I honestly won't think the worse of you and you shouldn't care if I do.  Should you go out and buy it for yourself?  Um...go to the library and check it out instead or even borrow.  I'm not sure that the price tag is worth it.  Will I read the next two books?  I really can't answer that question because right now every molecule in my body is resisting but if I do, I promise to make sure to let anyone willing to know, know. 

Thanks for indulging your time on reading this book review/blog. 

Have a great weekend y'all!!!