Just Call me Bitter Betty

This is my diatribe.  I do this every few years.  I need to do this.  Everyone needs to do this.  I have the outlet of blogging to purge while others may find other openings.  Lately I’ve been bottling things up more and more but I know my self-destructive tendencies which make it even more important that I simply type out my inner thoughts. 

So here I go:

I am a nice person.  I am a kind person.  I am ‘human’.  I have a lot of fallacies, a lot of faults, and a lot of demons.  I am not perfect.  I am flawed to the greatest degree.  I am not better than anyone else out there; I could not even imagine being so.  I embrace my humanity and try to become a better person every single freakin’ day.  I struggle with inner demons that jeer at me, that whisper into my ears at night telling me to hurt those who hurt me, but I refuse.  I cannot stand seeing tears in the eyes of those I love.  I cannot simply rest easy knowing that I’ve hurt someone intentionally (or unintentionally If I find out).  I am not the type of person who is ‘mean’ and walks away feeling good about myself when/if I cause harm.  I’m just not that type of person.  I repeat: I am a kind person.  I am giving and generous and loving.  I believe that by being these things, I am closer to God.  I want to be close to Allah (SWT) because well frankly I really do not like excessive heat and heaven sort of sounds nice.

But do you know what the essential problem is for those who are ‘nice’, ‘kind’, ‘giving’?  They are easily taken advantage of and they are too stupid to realize it to some degree because by nature they believe in the inherent goodness that lies within the breast of humanity, and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt even when they should not.

I have done just this.  I say that I dislike people, and I do, but somewhere inside my soul I keep thinking that my negativity is a figment of my imagination and that in fact ‘people’ are kind.  I’m wrong.

I’ve been proven wrong on so many occasions that it stuns me that I’m still dopey enough to believe in anything such as ‘goodness’.  As I grow older and come closer and closer to my expiration date, the less and less I believe that there isn’t a single living soul out there who is not trying to get one up on their neighbors (which includes family, friends, strangers, dogs, cats, trees…) for their own sense of advancement.  I try to shake myself out of this, try to show myself examples of goodness but they are so very fleeting, restricted to only targeted individuals that it has become nearly impossible for me to trust anyone anymore.

Are you shaking your head at me?  Are you wondering and slightly bewildered?  Are you curious to know what’s happened to spur this blog?  Am I lashing out at any one individual, trying to send them a message?  Maybe I am.  I won’t lie.  That person doesn’t read my blog though and if that person did (too busy being wrapped up in their own lives), I would probably still not call them out because I’m just not that type.  I’m not about embarrassing and humiliating people.  I’m not about putting people in their places and showing them the errors of their way.  I simply hope and pray that one day they will have some sort of epiphany and that their eyes will open to how they are.  (SPOILER ALERT: doesn’t happen and if it does?  It’s rare.)

But if I’m to be totally 100% honest, I’m not speaking about just one person.  I’m speaking my stream of thought right now.  I’m speaking to anyone willing to listen. 

Here’s my suggestion for humanity, in my humble opinion…

STOP taking for granted those individuals in your life who has:

…Dropped everything they were doing to come to your rescue.
…Made you feel special.
…Loved you despite the worst side of you.
…Laughed with you even when the joke wasn’t that funny.
…Sat with you holding your hand when you cried.
…Glanced into the depth of your soul and seen the anguish.
…Asked for nothing in return but consideration.
…Given more of themselves than anyone else you can recall in memory without wanting nada.
…Willingly plays second fiddle to their own issues because you need them.
…Looked upon your face and can accurately guess what you’re feeling without you uttering a word.
…Encourages you when you have no courage left.
…Represents your sanity in a world of crazy.
…Plays your devil’s advocate even when you don’t think you need one.
…Loves you when you feel as if no one else in the world does or can.
…Believes in you, no matter that you may not believe in yourself.
…Is the quite cheerleader behind the scenes.
…Asks for nothing in return for all that he/she does (I said this before but it’s worth repeating).

Stop taking these people for granted.  Just stop.  Stop acting turning your backs on them when they most need you.  Stop behaving as if they add no value to your life because you damn well know they do.  Stop being a jackass to them for whatever twisted reasons you have.  I can assure you, your reasons…ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  (BTW, one of my biggest pet peeves is the overuse of caps.  It’s annoying and if you can’t get a point across without it…don’t bother.  But in this instance, I couldn’t help but do so…which will help you realize how passionate I am about this particular topic.)

This is coming from the biggest schmuck to walk this earth.  I am the person who apparently does not do, and still is told I do not do, enough.  Do you know how hard it is to hear those words?  Even if they are not said just like that?  But to be shown that you’re not worth anyone’s time and effort is a lash to the soul.  I’ve gone through my life trying to please everyone, and I mean everyone.  I’ve spared no one.  I’ve been misunderstood and abused (not physically, that ain’t happening) and I have, do not doubt, been emotionally destroyed which has been accompanied with rivers of bitter tears when realization has hit me that I’ve allowed this to happen…to myself.

So maybe you’re thinking, why do you allow this?  Why don’t you stop it?

Read the very 6th line of this blog (yes, I actually counted):  I am a nice person.

I somehow do not have the heart to treat anyone as crappily (this is a word now) as I have been treated.  My intellect screams at me that if I don’t appreciate it, then why would anyone else?  Additionally, I just can’t seem to grasp the idea of ‘an eye for an eye’.  That just doesn’t fly with me.  I believe honestly, that I will be smote (wait, I actually think that’s a word, right?).  I have convinced myself that no matter the abuse and negativity hurled at me, if I react or do something in (justified) retribution, karma will come and bite me (not them) in the butt.  How twisted is this logic? (Granted this comes with a healthy dose of what I call “Muslim Guilt” which is akin to debilitating “Jewish Guilt”.)

But then again, is it possible that if everyone in this world lived by this logic (aka guilt), wars and sadness, hate and crimes would be reduced to near nothingness?  I believe, nay am convinced, that this is a distinct possibility.  If we could all simply continue to recall how we would want to be treated, it would be so super simple to keep in mind how we would eventually treat others.  OMG, have I tapped into something big here?

No, probably not.

Yea, so if you’re the person out there who blithely ‘uses’ someone for your convenience, because you need advice, they are always available and eager,  you are bored and your ‘cooler’ friends aren’t around or simply have nothing better to do, think twice.  Guess what?  That person has feelings also.  Yes, the same feelings you have.  The best way to understand how they MAY feel about your treatment towards them?  Just put yourself in their place.  Is that too hard for you, Cupcake?  Well, get over yourself.  Realize that you are likely not the center of the universe and when THAT person (who has stuck by you through thick and think) finally gives up and dissipates into the mist because they have remembered their worth and decides to leave your lame butt in the dust, then honestly you have no one left to blame but yourself.

There are plenty of people out there who are good within their souls.  They epitomize the very meaning of kindness.  They are rare also for all their “plentifullness”.  They are the ones, when you find them; you should stop handling them like total crap.  They are worth far more than the ‘fly by the seat of my pants’ and ‘party animal’ individuals who may be a hell lot more fun but also add nothing to your existence.  Those are not the ones who take the time to steer you in the right direction while their own lives may be falling apart.  The ‘fun’ ones are fair weather friends, I assure you.  How can I say that with such confidence?  Because I’ve had those also.  And I’ve equally (read that as mostly) been the one to have been taken advantage of without thought.

I’m done with this, Folks.  I really am.  I intend to give no one else the ‘benefit of the doubt’.  I’m now a part of the elite group of individuals who believe that it’s best to be pessimistic right off the bat and justly trust that absolutely everyone is up to no good.  Don’t get me wrong, this morphing of my personality has been happening for a long time and it’s saddening. 

I recall the young woman I was at one time who believed in rainbows and unicorn (alright not really but I was way more positive then this present bitter Betty),  I no longer do.  Alas, do not blame me though, blame society.