Several weeks back, I came to
work and my office mate, who is a 33-year-old pretty young black woman with a
vivacious nature, strikes up a conversation about the Ebola outbreak. She’s talking in a more stream of
consciousness than anything else as she peppers me with questions that has been
probably weighing in her thoughts. I’m
not sure how this happens but we go from that to the discussion about flu shots
and then suddenly to kids. Go figure.
And it’s interesting to me to
observe how slightly worked up she becomes as she speaks of the stigma that women
have to deal with when they decide to delay having children. Oh and there are many, I assure you, from
personal knowledge.
So here I am blogging after a
long time. Since my last entry back just
before Ramadan ended, I have had many topics that popped into my head but work
put the kibosh on any intentions. And
then there was the fact that by the time I get home, my brain doesn’t function
well enough to actually form full sentences.
But today I feel renewed
vigor. My fingers itch to write about
this, maybe it is because this topic is near and dear to my heart.
Let me say this off the bat: Life isn’t easy for a woman in her 40s who is
in a stable relationship but doesn’t have kids.
It seems to most that the natural next step is to breed. Not that I don’t agree to some extent but
then again when I discover that a happily married couple who has been hitched
for over 5+ years do not have kids, I don’t promptly clutch my chest and act as
if they’ve committed a grave sin.
Let me just tell you how many
times this similar thing has happened to me, on multiple occasions. I’ve had one lady say to me that I’m
‘wasting’ my life by not popping a few out.
Another well intentioned aunt said to me almost blithely, at the local
mosque during a holiday, “enough focusing on your career have a child, that’s
more important. You will never feel
whole until you do so.” I stared at this
woman with my mouth slightly dropped open, resisting the intense urge to punch
her, in her uterus.
My upbringing and sense of
respect held me back from saying, “what’s wrong with focusing on my
career? And why are you assuming it’s
just that which holds me back?”
These questions about children
have literally peppered my existence since the age of 23. And other than my family and my closest of
friends who I give 100% right to inquire into my lack of child status, the rest
of humanity has absolutely NO right to judge my decisions. And at the peak of my personal ire against
such thoughtless individuals who thought they almost had a duty to remind me of
my duty to produce children, I said
the following to one particular person: “you’re making the assumption that I
can have children. Well I can’t. I hope that’s explanation enough for you.” I responded like this with every intention to
see how uncomfortable they would get and ultimately whether they would feel
stupid. Unfortunately in my culture,
asking such intimate questions is nothing to be embarrassed about. She didn’t even blink.
It is not easy to speak of my
childless state. I have never written
about it. In the past it has been simply dealing with this knowledge on a
personal level that has kept me from writing out my thoughts, as well as the
fear of being pitied. But I assure you,
pity? I most certainly do not want nor
need it. I’ve gone through the despair
of knowing that a biological child of my own is not possible. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief and
I did so quietly, years back. I’ve
watched as friends have gotten pregnant, sharing the information with the world
with excitement and I’ve been over the moon happy for them. I’ve witnessed cousins younger than me expand
their family and have mentally blessed them.
I’ve held absolutely no grudges against those who can, only because I
cannot. I’ve even been told, almost
apologetically, by kind souls, that they are expecting. My heart has been overwhelmed by the kindness
in their eyes when they are taking my feelings into account, even above their
own joy. How can I ever begrudge that
happiness, though? Never. Not me.
I believe I’m a better person than that.
But yes, I’ve also cried quietly
in the darkness of my room due to a house that should have heard laughter and
pitter patter of tiny feet. I also want
a messy home that I complain about, the day to day issues that come along with
the existence of children. My home is
far too quiet and far too big for only two people. Every success pales in comparison to the fact
that I am unable to have the one thing I want…a little piece of immortality
(not a precisely direct quote from Steel
Magnolias but one of my favorites).
Here’s a fact I know accept:
Biologically speaking, I’m broken.
And there is no return policy to go along with it.
In case you were wondering, this
isn’t easy stuff to write down. In fact
this has been a blog long time in coming.
I’ve mulled it over on various instances when I felt the need to release
my thoughts but always held back.
Why? I’m not sure. Society, superstition, fears, judgment…it’s
all in the mix I suppose. But there is
no point anymore. I’ve embraced my
reality however; it’s taken walking down a very long, lonely heartbreaking road
to get here. There is nothing brave or
remarkable about the place I’m in mentally, it just is what it is and maybe my
faith that Allah (swt) knows best is the only thing that brings me any sense of
comfort in believing that this was never meant to be, that I could not fight
what was predestined or a biological fail, for that matter.
But this blog isn’t about me
actually, although it may seem that way.
Of course it ties into my life since it’s something that hits home but
still, I’m more interested in my colleagues’ issue.
Basically, why do people assume
that the ONLY reason a woman chooses not to have a child is because she’s ONLY
focused on her career?
This is an interesting question. I’ve noted that far too many are way too
quick to jump to incorrect (and asinine) assumptions. As women become far more career minded and
business savvy, the world is quick to adopt the idea that the traditional roles
of women are also going by the wayside.
My first question to these folks would be: define ‘traditional roles of women’? Re-read history and you’ll see for yourself
how women have stepped up to the plate for ages to not only be the person
cooking the bacon, but bringing it home as well, along with raising kids and
doing all the other nonsense that comes along with having a uterus. Hence this whole idea that career trumps baby
is actually quite ridiculous. But yes,
there is one fact; women are waiting longer and longer to have them. I won’t argue this point. It’s obvious if I go by just my friends group
alone. But below are a few more reasons
that women decide not to take the second biggest plunge of their lives (after
marriage) and say ‘yes’ to an eternity of being the watch dog of another human
being:
1.) Career. Sure, this is a biggie. We women are finally out there making a name
for ourselves. No longer are we
satisfied with the title ‘mom’ even if that brings us untold joy (and one I
would give my soul for). We want
something different, possibly ‘more’, a mark we leave behind other than in the
form of DNA and so you have a whole gaggle of women who have decided to put the
mother thing on hold for the sake of late nights at the office, a paycheck and
climbing up the corporate ladder.
2.) Time. Seems like such a commodity. For those active individuals who have a
fulsome life, they simply don’t have that sort of time to spare. Good or bad, right or wrong, it’s simply a
matter of choice.
3.) Funds.
From what I understand, the little
buggers (kids) are expensive. And even
once they’re out of your home, you’re still somehow paying for them whether in
tuition, 20 bucks here and there or whatever.
Some folks simply can’t afford this and decide it’s better to hold off
until such time that they can actually pony up and take responsibility. Right on. This to me is pretty damn admirable. Aren’t there enough people on the system who
need help? Why add to it?
4.) I
just don’t want kids. That seems
pretty harsh, right? Who doesn’t want
children? Well…plenty. Through my life I’ve come across more than a
handful of couples/individuals who have pretty much shrugged their shoulders
and said, ‘we’re (I am) happy the way we (I am) are’. More power to you, who am I to judge? Sometimes it’s nice to hand a child back over
to their parents and go home to your quiet abode where you can watch TV in your
skivvies if you wish and know that when you want a scoop of ice cream, there is
no fear that it was filched by tiny hands.
5.) I
can’t be responsible for another human being. Look, I can totally understand this one. I know how my parents struggled to bring me
up to act right, and that doesn’t always happen. I can’t imagine taking on that sorta
responsibility and it scares me to death.
Personally though, this thought didn’t frighten me enough to not want a
kiddo of my own, but there are others out there who also think secretly, ‘crap,
I can barely take care of myself, how the hell am I going to bring up someone
else?’
6.) I
have so much I still want to do.
If you’re one of those people who went through their formative years
with nose to the grindstone in school and then as a professional, there comes a
time when they want to reap the benefits of both, namely, let me spend all this
hard earned money doing something I want to do for a change. This could mean traveling the world, writing
a book, becoming a professional wine taster, learning acrobatics…whatever but
the point is, you don’t want to go carting a kid around hither and yon,
uprooting them in the process. So best
not to have them while you get all this nonsense out of your being. These individuals want to enjoy the fruits of
their labor and frankly, I do not see anything wrong with this.
7.) Think
green. This isn’t the obvious
but after discussing and consulting with some pretty smart women, this was
brought up to me. There are enough
people on the planet destroying the earth and leaving carbon footprints that we
cannot control. And frankly, the future
of the planet doesn’t look all that great anyhow. I, should I be able to miraculously produce
kids, would be fearful about their future due to what’s going on in our
environment. This reasoning doesn’t
sound…erm…reasonable? Hey, every reason,
no matter what, is a valid enough one if you’re the one making it, right?
8.) Health
risks. Giving birth to begin
with is dangerous business. Although the
mortality rate is much lower than say when a woman would have to give birth at
home or squatting in fields (or possibly that was better?), that doesn’t mean
that to some certain extent the whole thing doesn’t put the females in eminent
danger as they’re pushing the lil buggers out.
Just sayin’. And in certain
cases, the doctors tell the mother that there is great risk in continuing a
pregnancy or having a baby in the first place.
The decision to cherish your life above an unconceived child’s is no
less painful than having an abortion for the same reason (no, this blog will
not swerve into a Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate).
It’s been a few weeks since I
wrote all the above. I re-read it and
haven’t been able to come up with any additional reasons although I do not
doubt that there are tons more floating around in the world.
In reading this entry, I hope
that you restrain yourself from feeling sorry for me; if that’s the way you’re
leaning. Every one of us has our own
battles we fight. Some are obvious, some
are quiet, and all are painful on an individual basis. Is this the greatest pain of my
existence? Yes, it is. I can say that without blinking. Have I dealt with it? Yes, I have.
Am I still dealing with it? Yes,
I am. Do I let this stop me from
breathing? In the past, I have. Has this stopped me from finding joy in
life? No, I haven’t. Do I still cry when I’m alone? Not as much as I used to but sometimes when I
hear the giggle of a baby, tears indeed spring to my eyes. But you know what I learned? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and
I am strong and I have Allah (swt) on my side who shows me that I have infinite
amounts of things to be thankful for and that I should take not one of those
things for granted because although this may be my burden to bear, others have
it way worse.
This situation with me has also
taught me another big lesson and that is not to judge why others chose the path
in life they chose. For a while now, I’ve
decided that if I am not privy to the details regarding why someone is doing
something specific and it doesn’t impact my life in any way, shape, or form,
then it’s also none of my business. Pure
and simple. This attitude has served me
well.
Just sayin’…
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