This is my diatribe. I do this every few years. I need to do this. Everyone needs to do this. I have the outlet of blogging to purge while others may find other openings. Lately I’ve been bottling things up more and more but I know my self-destructive tendencies which make it even more important that I simply type out my inner thoughts.
So here I go:
I am a nice person. I am a kind person. I am ‘human’.
I have a lot of fallacies, a lot of faults, and a lot of demons. I am not perfect. I am flawed to the greatest degree. I am not better than anyone else out there; I
could not even imagine being so. I
embrace my humanity and try to become a better person every single freakin’
day. I struggle with inner demons that
jeer at me, that whisper into my ears at night telling me to hurt those who
hurt me, but I refuse. I cannot stand
seeing tears in the eyes of those I love.
I cannot simply rest easy knowing that I’ve hurt someone intentionally
(or unintentionally If I find out). I am
not the type of person who is ‘mean’ and walks away feeling good about myself
when/if I cause harm. I’m just not that
type of person. I repeat: I am a kind
person. I am giving and generous and
loving. I believe that by being these
things, I am closer to God. I want to be
close to Allah (SWT) because well frankly I really do not like excessive heat
and heaven sort of sounds nice.
But do you know what the
essential problem is for those who are ‘nice’, ‘kind’, ‘giving’? They are easily taken advantage of and they
are too stupid to realize it to some degree because by nature they believe in the
inherent goodness that lies within the breast of humanity, and gives everyone
the benefit of the doubt even when they should not.
I have done just this. I say that I dislike people, and I do, but
somewhere inside my soul I keep thinking that my negativity is a figment of my
imagination and that in fact ‘people’ are kind.
I’m wrong.
I’ve been proven wrong on so many
occasions that it stuns me that I’m still dopey enough to believe in anything
such as ‘goodness’. As I grow older and
come closer and closer to my expiration date, the less and less I believe that
there isn’t a single living soul out there who is not trying to get one up on
their neighbors (which includes family, friends, strangers, dogs, cats, trees…)
for their own sense of advancement. I
try to shake myself out of this, try to show myself examples of goodness but
they are so very fleeting, restricted to only targeted individuals that it has
become nearly impossible for me to trust anyone anymore.
Are you shaking your head at
me? Are you wondering and slightly
bewildered? Are you curious to know what’s
happened to spur this blog? Am I lashing
out at any one individual, trying to send them a message? Maybe I am.
I won’t lie. That person doesn’t
read my blog though and if that person did (too busy being wrapped up in their
own lives), I would probably still not call them out because I’m just not that
type. I’m not about embarrassing and
humiliating people. I’m not about
putting people in their places and showing them the errors of their way. I simply hope and pray that one day they will
have some sort of epiphany and that their eyes will open to how they are. (SPOILER ALERT: doesn’t happen and if it
does? It’s rare.)
But if I’m to be totally 100% honest,
I’m not speaking about just one person.
I’m speaking my stream of thought right now. I’m speaking to anyone willing to
listen.
Here’s my suggestion for
humanity, in my humble opinion…
STOP taking for granted those
individuals in your life who has:
…Dropped everything they were doing to come to your rescue.
…Made you feel special.
…Loved you despite the worst side of you.
…Laughed with you even when the joke wasn’t that funny.
…Sat with you holding your hand when you cried.
…Glanced into the depth of your soul and seen the anguish.
…Asked for nothing in return but consideration.
…Given more of themselves than anyone else you can recall in memory without wanting nada.
…Willingly plays second fiddle to their own issues because you need them.
…Looked upon your face and can accurately guess what you’re feeling without you uttering a word.
…Encourages you when you have no courage left.
…Represents your sanity in a world of crazy.
…Plays your devil’s advocate even when you don’t think you need one.
…Loves you when you feel as if no one else in the world does or can.
…Believes in you, no matter that you may not believe in yourself.
…Is the quite cheerleader behind the scenes.
…Asks for nothing in return for all that he/she does (I said this before but it’s worth repeating).
…Made you feel special.
…Loved you despite the worst side of you.
…Laughed with you even when the joke wasn’t that funny.
…Sat with you holding your hand when you cried.
…Glanced into the depth of your soul and seen the anguish.
…Asked for nothing in return but consideration.
…Given more of themselves than anyone else you can recall in memory without wanting nada.
…Willingly plays second fiddle to their own issues because you need them.
…Looked upon your face and can accurately guess what you’re feeling without you uttering a word.
…Encourages you when you have no courage left.
…Represents your sanity in a world of crazy.
…Plays your devil’s advocate even when you don’t think you need one.
…Loves you when you feel as if no one else in the world does or can.
…Believes in you, no matter that you may not believe in yourself.
…Is the quite cheerleader behind the scenes.
…Asks for nothing in return for all that he/she does (I said this before but it’s worth repeating).
Stop taking these people for
granted. Just stop. Stop acting turning your backs on them when
they most need you. Stop behaving as if
they add no value to your life because you damn well know they do. Stop being a jackass to them for whatever
twisted reasons you have. I can assure
you, your reasons…ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. (BTW,
one of my biggest pet peeves is the overuse of caps. It’s annoying and if you can’t get a point
across without it…don’t bother. But in
this instance, I couldn’t help but do so…which will help you realize how
passionate I am about this particular topic.)
This is coming from the biggest
schmuck to walk this earth. I am the person
who apparently does not do, and still is told I do not do, enough. Do you know how hard it is to hear those
words? Even if they are not said just
like that? But to be shown that you’re
not worth anyone’s time and effort is a lash to the soul. I’ve gone through my life trying to please
everyone, and I mean everyone. I’ve
spared no one. I’ve been misunderstood
and abused (not physically, that ain’t happening) and I have, do not doubt,
been emotionally destroyed which has been accompanied with rivers of bitter
tears when realization has hit me that I’ve allowed this to happen…to myself.
So maybe you’re thinking, why do
you allow this? Why don’t you stop it?
Read the very 6th line of this
blog (yes, I actually counted): I am a
nice person.
I somehow do not have the heart
to treat anyone as crappily (this is a word now) as I have been treated. My intellect screams at me that if I don’t
appreciate it, then why would anyone else?
Additionally, I just can’t seem to grasp the idea of ‘an eye for an
eye’. That just doesn’t fly with
me. I believe honestly, that I will be
smote (wait, I actually think that’s a word, right?). I have convinced myself that no matter the abuse
and negativity hurled at me, if I react or do something in (justified)
retribution, karma will come and bite me (not them) in the butt. How twisted is this logic? (Granted this
comes with a healthy dose of what I call “Muslim Guilt” which is akin to debilitating
“Jewish Guilt”.)
But then again, is it possible
that if everyone in this world lived by this logic (aka guilt), wars and
sadness, hate and crimes would be reduced to near nothingness? I believe, nay am convinced, that this is a
distinct possibility. If we could all
simply continue to recall how we would want to be treated, it would be so super
simple to keep in mind how we would eventually treat others. OMG, have I tapped into something big here?
No, probably not.
Yea, so if you’re the person out
there who blithely ‘uses’ someone for your convenience, because you need
advice, they are always available and eager,
you are bored and your ‘cooler’ friends aren’t around or simply have
nothing better to do, think twice. Guess
what? That person has feelings
also. Yes, the same feelings you have. The best way to understand how they MAY feel
about your treatment towards them? Just
put yourself in their place. Is that too
hard for you, Cupcake? Well, get over
yourself. Realize that you are likely
not the center of the universe and when THAT person (who has stuck by you
through thick and think) finally gives up and dissipates into the mist because
they have remembered their worth and decides to leave your lame butt in the
dust, then honestly you have no one left to blame but yourself.
There are plenty of people out
there who are good within their souls.
They epitomize the very meaning of kindness. They are rare also for all their
“plentifullness”. They are the ones,
when you find them; you should stop handling them like total crap. They are worth far more than the ‘fly by the
seat of my pants’ and ‘party animal’ individuals who may be a hell lot more fun
but also add nothing to your existence.
Those are not the ones who take the time to steer you in the right
direction while their own lives may be falling apart. The ‘fun’ ones are fair weather friends, I
assure you. How can I say that with such
confidence? Because I’ve had those
also. And I’ve equally (read that as
mostly) been the one to have been taken advantage of without thought.
I’m done with this, Folks. I really am.
I intend to give no one else the ‘benefit of the doubt’. I’m now a part of the elite group of
individuals who believe that it’s best to be pessimistic right off the bat and justly
trust that absolutely everyone is up to no good. Don’t get me wrong, this morphing of my
personality has been happening for a long time and it’s saddening.
I recall the young woman I was at
one time who believed in rainbows and unicorn (alright not really but I was way
more positive then this present bitter Betty),
I no longer do. Alas, do not
blame me though, blame society.