Confused, Sad and Tired...Questions and Prayers

I was on my way to posting a regular old blog about nothing important but something happened that derailed me and I felt that I couldn't let the day go by without not only acknowledging but asking God a few questions as well as a request or two.

 

 

***WARNING (of sorts): I recognize many of you may not believe in God, a higher power, some greater entity which rules us all and that's okay with me. I don't judge you for not believing, please don't judge me for my belief either that there is an Almighty who is looking out for me and who at the end of the day is in fact merciful and has some big plan (I just don't know what it is). I'll stick to what I have...faith. If you don't want to read about God, faith, etc...don't read this blog.

 

 

***Clarification: I wrote this the day of the Boston bombing and had every intention of posting it right away but as usual I had to read, re-read, edit, think, ponder, delete and start all over again. This is why the reference is of that day, not today. Clearly blogging isn't all that easy.

 

 

So about 3:30ish this afternoon as I sat glaring at my computer considering what I could go get as a mid-day snack, my buddy calls and says to me 'did you hear about the blasts...in Boston?' My mind went blank and a part of me did a 'oh Allah, not again'. So yes, another afternoon was spent sitting at work listening to news, my heart sinking further and further into my stomach. Another terror attack? Yea so it seemed even though a part of me was screaming 'No! Please let it not be another damn jihadist on a mission!' And although people, who include the President, have been careful not to condemn any group of people, I did almost immediately. As did the media but that's another blog I think but honestly, shame on me...at least till there is proof. Anyhow...

 

 

Since I heard, as soon as I got home I did what most people were probably doing which was turning on the news to be able to take in every bit of information that is out there; sit and watch with wide eyes the video of the moment the bomb blew and I'm sure many are horrified.

 

 

I'm not.

 

 

Are you surprised at my reaction? May be a little? But I'm being honest here. No, I'm not horrified or shocked anymore. How many times in the last 12 years have I, and the world, done the same thing? Watched live events unfold before our eyes which we couldn't quite believe was actually happening; visions of things straight out of one’s nightmares have far too often been realized in Technicolor? Endless amounts of gasps and racing hearts and scenes of terror which made us immediately murmur a prayer to God.  No, I’m sorry, I really am not surprised.  What I am is confused and well…plain old tired. 

 

 

And I have a few questions also.  The #1 being: When will we be able to breathe again without fear? This single question has flashed through my mind repeatedly over the last few years and I have yet to be bestowed with a reasonable answer.  Don’t I, along with the trillions of others who inhabit the earth deserve the answer to this one simple question?

 

 

I wish to God I could tell you that I didn’t also suspect that the person who did this in Boston wasn’t a Muslim.  I so want it not to be because only those who practice the religion could aptly sympathize.  Only we can tell you how exhausted we are of defending ourselves, our religion, our beliefs.  Only we can tell you how spiritually it’s devastating to watch all this on television and want to scream to those around you that “hey these folks don’t reflect me or what I follow…these people are misguided and lost…they are not me!”

 

 

Probably a good amount of readers here know that I'm Muslim and now the rest of you do also. I am not one who goes around screaming this fact not because I'm embarrassed but because it is very personal to me therefore I don't have any interest in 411'ing it all over the place. I've never thought myself as a fantastic Muslim (nor, sadly, a very good one) but I am firm in my faith and have studied it enough to have a somewhat above average knowledge in it. Mind you, I am no scholar but if I had to explain to someone/anyone why I follow my chosen religion, I'd be able to do so without batting an eyelash and with full confidence in knowing what I was speaking about.

 

 

Now since 9/11 it seems like Muslims have been demonized, Islam the vessel of those demons. I've watched the world label anyone who followed/follows my faith as terrorists. I have been told, about my own religion no less, that Islam promotes terrorism. I remember the first time I heard this I thought to myself "hmm...all this time I've been practicing it, reading on it, learning about it, and no where have I ever seen it being said that a Muslim should go out and bomb the world in the Quran." Hmm, weird.

 

 

No, don't fret; this blog isn't about Islam and the defense of it. The fact is, my faith does not need to be defended at all because in many ways it speaks for itself...by its people, the majority of us who are just normal every day human beings who aren't walking around with explosives strapped to our chests. We are just like you. We go to work, we come home, we have families, we plan vacations, we look forward to holidays (although may be different from yours) and when we see people dying due to some suicide bomber thinking that he/she is waging a war against the infidels, we are the ones who suffer the consequences ultimately and we cry along with the rest of the world as well as we fall to the mat to pray for the souls who were snatched away so unexpectedly. Our clerics are not brainwashing us, they are not telling us to join some sleeper cell but they are trying their hardest to explain to us those things that even they don't necessarily understand about this extremist mentality and stress to us that these sort of actions do not represent Islam in any way.

 

 

Again let me repeat, we are just like you. My Islam has never ever taught me to hate. It has never ever taught me intolerance. It has never ever encouraged me to hurt innocents for no reason. My Islam is peaceful, loving and tolerant. My God is all those things and more. YOU cannot change this fact just because you insist. If you want to know about Islam, find a Muslim, sit, talk, educate yourself, you will be surprised I can guarantee it because at the end of the day, we are more similar than dissimilar.

 

 

WE ARE JUST LIKE YOU!

 

 

Okay, now this is clear, the next part is really for God, read on if you wish...

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Dearest God,

 

 

What is going on in the world? What is wrong with us? Have you given up hope; have you really turned your back? Is that why we suffer like this? What happened to the world I remember devoid of fear? When did we become such accusing horrible vengeful humans? Were we supposed to be this way? Were things supposed to happen this way? I want the days when we could feel comfortable about going out and living our lives without terror lurking in our hearts. I want to not have to be scared to let my loved ones step away for me for an instant without worrying over whether they will come back.  Is this asking for too much?

 

 

I am tired of seeing people all around the world suffering and the hatred for one another...why such hatred? We are all basically (down to the smallest atom) made of the same thing yet why do we hate each other so very much? Because of invisible borders? Because of differences of opinion? Of religion? Of culture? Are these the reasons to kill? Are they valid? But we were never taught this as kids, were we? I don't remember having learned these things in school, by teachers, most certainly not by my parents or the quiet halls of the Mosque were I learned how to be a good person. I was always told tolerance, tolerance, tolerance. So...so God, what happened? Who are these people that harbor such hatred against not just government or an organized institution but mankind in general? Who are the people who teach this sense of intolerance?

 

 

God I feel lost. I feel little hope and no comfort that one day, if I were to have a child that he or she would live in a world that made any sense, that they would be able to have had a childhood like I did which did not include red alerts, safety procedures to escape crazed gunmen or having to keep an eye out for suspicious packages. Give them the ability to laugh without worry, to plan their future without fear and to be able to love their fellow human being...not just their neighbor. This prayer is not for just me, those I love or care for, but the world in general. Somehow, wake mankind up and most of all, give us some common sense. We cannot keep doing this to each other. Take the hate away. Please.

 

 

Yours Truly,

Me

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I do have more to say but right now I’m a bit overwhelmed.  I have to organize my thoughts.  I don’t even know whether this blog made any sense, I re-read it and think I’m rambling but again, I admit that I’m an emotional person and therefore, well...I am emotional.

I don’t only mourn those people killed in Boston, this blog wasn't just about Boston or only tragedies happening in the USA...no my sadness casts a much wider net.  I pray for the swift recovery for those who were injured here most certainly for this is home and these are my people but I also mourn and pray for the millions and millions of people suffering horrors in war torn countries all around the world, for souls who have lost and lost and lost again.  I recognize the roll that my country plays in these horrors, please do not think I am not fully aware, but for right now, I just pray.