Originally in FaceBook I was writing ridiculously long status message updates reflecting what was generally going on in my life, something humorous, silly, funny (wait that's the same as humorous right?), sad, truthful, introspective, yada yada yada...and it seemed as if there was definitely an audience who appreciated my ramblings. Emboldened, I kept on writing till the day came that my eyes crossed from the length of the posts and decided to transfer all these 'blog style' status updates to here and this was pretty much after I found my 'voice'.
What is this 'voice'? Well it's basically that thing which reflects your inner voice, which represents you as a writer. Fancy, huh? Who knows, could be a bunch of hooey that I've just made up but I like to believe I have some sort of depth of character or soul and that indeed I have found my own voice and it was located through those ridiculous updates on FB. After some thinking I came to realize that may be, just may be people where a bit curious to know whether my experiences as a brown person was in any way, shape or form different from theirs (a statement that has been repeated so many times it makes me slightly ill to even type it so I can't imagine how many of you are rolling your eyes going 'yeah yeah yeah we get it, different color, different experiences, blah blah blah, move on and get to the point!'). Before I knew it even, this blog was created awaiting words to populate the space, hopefully interesting enough to generate readers.
But this morning as I drove in, I realized I had a slight problem. I started to wonder if it would it be okay to speak of my general every day life humdrum existence which in certain situations would be completely unrelated to this blog or the purpose behind it? Life isn't all about constant comparisons of difference with same-nesses...most of it is really boring and banal. We go through every day with not much to note about it so when we do have something, anything, they become the stories that we tell to friends during happy hours, at the dining table with our family, gossiping on the phone with our best friend. Frankly I find those things very amusing and if nothing they can definitely bring a wry smile in a day that was super unsmileworthy (no that's not a word but for the purposes of my world, it is now).
Hurrying down the street towards work (seriously when am I not hurrying?), I was pondering this issue when something happened that made the decision for me. I can only be me which includes relating ridiculous events that happen to me on a normal basis. Now here I am writing a silly long explanation to what I'm about to narrate *smh*
Let's go back to me hurrying to work, tottering on heels that clicked far too loudly due to the exposed nail at the bottom, hair in some semblance of style (okay I'm stretching that claim a bit, it was (and is) really a mess) and the ever present 20lb bag swinging madly from the crook of my arm. I'm chanting to myself 'please let no one be looking for me, please let no one be looking for me' even as I speed up. I'm half way to the office building when a bum (yes and we know how much this city full of bums seem to love me) says in a perfectly well modulated voice "hello miss, may I speak to you for a moment?" I shoot him an apologetic look, a half smile and say in as upbeat of a voice as I can "I'm sorry, I'm rushing." I know I even sound appropriately breathless.
Honestly though, would I have stopped to have a casual chitchat with him if I had the time? No, I admit this (with a twinge of guilt). It's sad too because who knows, may be he could have taught me something, shown me something (get your minds out of the gutter), enlightened me somehow in the ways of life. Possibly I missed out on a golden chance to become better than the rest, more open minded with a fantastic 'above it all' attitude but even as these thoughts flashed through my head, I heard him as clear as day "Oh so you think you're too good to talk to a black man or is it because I'm homeless? You think you're s#@% don't stink? Oh I get it...you B#&#&."
Right, guilt over.
:) Guiltless
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