To Forgive...To Forget...Or Both?

Long ago, when I was a kid (doesn’t it seem as if I start all my blogs start with something similar to this?  Do I need to switch things up a bit?  Okay, I’m digressing…), I got angry at my best friend, who was also my next door neighbor, about something. I can't remember what it was now but it was bad enough to make me simply stay mad at her for nearly 2 weeks. Mind you I was miserable and my parents watched me mope around the house being almost unbearable for that whole time. I was walking around scowling or getting teary eyed or simply simmering yet still I would not give in and contact her. Eventually though, my mother being one of those women who couldn't tolerate such things for long (as well as wise), sat me down and said to me that my ego was getting into the way of patching up the friendship. I told her, rather defended myself, that the whole thing hadn't been my fault and I shouldn't be the one to say sorry.  Of course my mother knew that there were always two sides to every story hence she didn’t quite trust the claim that I had done nothing at all even if I was quite passionate about it, but she didn’t point that out to me.  Her response, instead, went something like this: Even if it wasn't your fault, would you become any less of a person if you simply said "let's be friends again, I miss you" instead of holding on to all this anger and being miserable?

Well now dang, that got me to thinking for sure. My lil 10ish year old brain was working overtime as I sat on the front stoop pondering whether I should suck it up and go make amends or wait for her to come to me and beg for forgiveness, then rub her nose in the dirt over it. I'll be honest; I was leaning towards the whole 'rub her nose in the dirt' one over the 'is a bigger person' option. I was a kid, that's how kids are, so sue me. Anyhow, I can't remember how we ended up making things kosher between us but it did happen and we are friends to this day

Back then though I agree, my ego often got into the way. Heck, it did for a long time and for a greater length of time than I should have allowed.  Here’s what I’ve come to realize (yes, another evolution of my consciousness you could say):  You can grow old, but that doesn’t mean one necessarily grows up.  This is a fact of life unfortunately.

But with the slow passing of years, the other realization I have come to is that forgiving is actually easy enough.  Once, when my ego was everything, the inability to say sorry or admit that I was wrong about something was tantamount to lancing me.  Now I don’t know if I have that sort of energy anymore because indeed it takes some real work to let you be that bloated in the head all the time.  I’m not saying that I don’t any more have a working ego, of course I do, but the difference is that it just no longer can sustain itself for any length of time.  Truth to be told, no matter how quick to anger I may be, I am equally swift in letting things go.  This is definitely the earmark of growing up me thinks. 

So where the issue isn’t in forgiving anymore, now it is the whole ‘forgetting’ part of that’s tricky.  I’ve heard it enough in my past too, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget”.  I don’t mean that it was aimed at me continuously but rather I’ve heard it bandied about plenty.  But is it just me or does this mind set seem sorta harsh to anyone else?  After all, what’s the point right?  You’re going to say, “It’s okay, sure you’re forgiven” after a respectable amount of time but then every few days/weeks/months/years in the midst of some heated argument, there it is, thrown on the table like the winning hand during a game of cards, face up for everyone to see.  Oh, and the person who had committed the sin?  Well that poor sucker, who had later received the pardon in the first place, is caught upside the head with the reminder and subsequently is left gasping for air, like a poor fish outta water dying a slow agonizing death (or at least it looks like it…I ain’t a fish, I couldn’t say for sure). 

Not bad, two analogies in a row.  I’m sorta impressed with myself.

Oh but this is really terrible, don’t you think?  I speak not of the analogies, I know those are bad, but rather this whole ‘forgive yet not forget’ concept.  Okay no, wait, stop and really think about it for a second.  I know you’re resisting but seriously, let go.  Here’s something you can do for me.  Go back to a situation that you regret, any situation you wish but you must have somehow lamented your actions after the fact  however not one where you were the injured party, rather doing the injuring (not physical people, the mental/psychological/emotional type) and mull that over in your noggin for a bit.   Oh btw, this won’t help anyone who thinks that the example they did chose is one where they ultimately think they had the right, again I stress, find something you’re flippin’ embarrassed about!  If you can’t find even one of these instances through the whole of your life that I’m asking you to recall then well…I dunno what the heck to say to you…maybe you need to do a bit more self-reflection, eh?

For the rest of you, now if you apologized and were granted a pardon, tell me, how much do you loath it when (or if) the other person brings up that situation over and over again?  Sucks doesn’t it?  Your heart beat quickens, you get all nervous because you know you were wrong and can’t really respond to what they say other than ‘well I said sorry!’ in a snappy, slightly annoyed tone (even though you may attempt to not sound as such).  You could possibly even live in a slight sickening state of panic every time you see that person wondering if the subject will indeed be brought up (yet again or even for the first time).  It feels like one of those swinging pendulum sabers…actually I don’t even know what they’re called but you get me, right?  Lol, okay did I just remind you guys about relationships with your women?  Heh, I admit I reminded myself of me and P.  However this isn’t just about simply couples who are in love but any relationship, specifically any mono-a-mono situations.    

Ultimately this feeling isn’t so good.  And it doesn’t suppose to feel good.  Not what you did, and not the holding all your wrongdoings over your head to infinity and beyond. 

Okay, now let’s consider a scenario where you were the one transgressed upon and tell me that at one point, with someone, you didn’t take malicious glee at throwing the transgressors deeds back in their face, even if you were big enough to ‘forgive’.   Yes, I’m sure whatever happened was hurtful but you forgave, right?  Yet, yet, yet… you’re still doing a bit of hurling here and there also, correct?

You may possibly be wondering to yourself what in the heck am I trying to say here.   Just that, shouldn’t forgiveness in all its form be…complete?  If you’re bothering to say that you’re over it that you’ve given the other person a pass, then why hold on to it?  Why not ‘forget’?  Can we as human beings really even totally forget?  Frankly the answer to that question is a simple:  no.  We can’t.  We have really irritating memories that when it comes to everyday mundane nonsense we can’t remember a darn thing, but when it comes to the big stuff, oh yea, you have it down pat, don’t you?  And this is where the problem lays.

Why did I make you think to the two scenarios above where not only were you being crapped upon but the one doing the crapping?  To show how unfair we are capable of being.  In one instance we wish to be fully forgiven while in the other, we will not do so ourselves to others.  Hmm…

Don’t get me wrong, I do not assume to tell you that you may be like this.  Heck, if you can without malice, forgive and never use those bad situations as a weapon against your friends/loved ones ever, than you are a far more evolved person than me by leaps and bounds.  I would love to talk to you to find out how you’ve reached this particular enlightenment, seriously, no kidding. 

For the rest of us, what sort of ego do we really have which causes us to never truly ‘let go’ and worse of all makes the act of forgetting neigh on impossible?  Why can’t we?  And why o why, if we can’t totally forget, can we not at least restrain ourselves from digging up the past and holding it against someone till the end of their days?

Some will say (that ‘some’ includes me) that this is just human nature.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not a nasty ‘nature’ to possess.  I’ve been working hard against this too, I will confess.  When I start to feel the urge to go flinging some verbal poo around at someone who I’ve already forgiven (whether it be mental or spoken) I honestly do pause and think to myself, ‘What if I were in her (or his) place? Would I want this to come back at me endlessly?  Is it even fair?  Why forgive at all?’ 

C’mon, by now you people should know me a little which means that the fact that I have these mental questioning tripping through my cranium would not actually be uncharacteristic.  If the answer to these particular questions above mostly makes me go ‘oh well damn’, I calm down, plaster on a genuine smile and shove the negative thoughts further and further back into my memory bank until honestly it sort of evaporates.  This, FYI, has happened and quite successfully. 

Once again though, I will proudly claim that age is a great help to me in this particular evolution of character.  The egotistical me of yor would have fought tooth and nail while the 40 year old woman that I am today just gets it (finally and phew).  Forgiveness should be total, no part of it should be held back.  As for the memories?  Well heck sure, learn from it, take what you can, even if it means to be a bit more cautious or even untrusting but if at all possible, quit dragging them (those niggling anger pangs) back and acting as if you have the right.  This is what I’ve told myself at least.  The ‘you’ in this, is in fact, me. 

Anyhow, I started this blog with my normal childhood recollection but it surely veered off in a weird direction.  I wish I had the energy to go back to the original point, although I think unwittingly I may have, I just hope that no one leaves reading this blog wondering (still) what I’ve been yammering on about.

Quick summation:  Do forgive, and forget if you can (life is too short to go to the grave being pissed off and angry).  If you can’t forget, then honestly, don’t fully forgive (otherwise it’s just false advertisement in a way).  Oh also, at least be kind and tell the other person (as almost a caveat if possible) that you are human and that you may just well drop the unhappy past in future conversations here and there but honestly, try not to.  Just do what I do, ask yourself, ‘what if I was in her/his shoes…?’ and things may become a bit easier to handle.  You can also think about it this way:  if you still bring the past up over and over again, then you haven’t forgiven in the first place, now have you?

Consider this all food for thought (err…if you could clearly make out the food I’m serving here anyway).