You know what the hardest realization is as an adult? When you comprehend that what you wanted to do/be isn’t actually what you should be doing or being. How disappointing is this? You go through most of your life/existence aiming for whatever golden cup you wish to attain and afterwards, you think to yourself ‘well this isn’t the bees knees, why did I want this so darn bad?’
Actually I believe we’re predestined to have this ‘come to Jesus’ moment from childhood, most of us at least. May be it’s this popular bandied around idea that if you’re not a professional in the most traditional sense (i.e. doctor, lawyer…) then you haven’t achieved much. At least in the desi community this stands true. So like good obedient children we run off to make of ourselves all that our parents dream, somewhere along the way ignoring our own. To us, it’s a way of thanking our parents for giving us birth or payback for all they had to suffer through due to our very existence. Sounds terribly tragic, doesn’t it? Actually it is. Sometimes things work out for the best and off the child goes to live a lucrative existence but to be honest I’ve had far too many friends who have confessed to me that they hate what they do but they couldn’t change because of all the money that had been invested into their present. I can understand that. When the average amount of cash you dole out to become a doctor is about 300K, one does tend not to think about altering professions, never mind taking into account the hard work, sweat, tears, emotional breakdowns, etc…
Good lord though, that sorta money could surely have made lots of memories other than those that were wrapped up in such hard work. I’m not saying that the money wasn’t well spent but still…imagine the possibilities. Traveling all around the globe, eating exotic foods, meeting new and interesting people, learning about other cultures, or whatever floats your boat. You want to sit in front of a vista drawing, you should. How about typing away furiously as the story that’s been locked in your head comes spilling out via your fingers? There’s the sitting amongst your friends jamming and becoming lost in the notes of the music you created or even tasting the dish that had just been gleefully produced out of a bunch of ingredients that blend beautifully together? Want to help someone, go on and do it. Want to become a mentor, sure, why the heck not? Want to open up that cupcake business in some small town somewhere; I don’t see a problem with that. Basically, the concept of thoroughly having enjoyed as well as experienced life any which way you choose to do so is what that money could have done for you. Aren’t those all investments also? Sure not in any old-fashioned sense but still. As in, investments into some sort of full memory bank as opposed to just a traditional bank? Maybe I’m being a bit extreme here. After all, the worth of an education is actually priceless in many ways (or maybe it’s worth the salary you’re being paid?). But let’s not go there.
The thing is I’m often saddened about the potential that is lost. Just imagine the artists, painters, writers, musicians, philanthropists, creative thinkers out there who have sacrificed their passions to the almighty dollar (rupees, yen, pound, etc…) and have settled upon doing what was considered ‘right’. And we shall never be witness to their genius! Oh gosh, what else can it be but tragic?
Let me ask the obvious question here: from where or by whom has this definition of the ‘right’ thing come to be realized? Someone had to have first thought it up. Who was it? God? Society? If society, than how? I mean did they all just meet up on day and proclaim ‘yes this is how it shall be’? Or maybe it’s Grandparents? Parents? Possibly all the above although I don’t recall having read anywhere in the Quran that one has to be a lawyer in order to get into heaven. Shoot if you ask me that’s liable to be the quickest way to get a ticket straight to the other more hotter location, if you know what I mean…just sayin’. Okay I kid about the lawyer crack, some of my best friends are very honest in this very profession and I would put my very life into their hands, that’s just how much I trust them.
Anyhow, I too have been hitting this wall of confusion. Not the type I just was discussing about parents, society, blah blah blah…expectations and such. I mean yes, my parents wanted to be a lawyer while I settled on being a paralegal and as I said before in a previous blog, they probably are a bit disappointed (secretly) but are also genuinely satisfied that I’m happy with what I do. Sometimes a word here or there about having gone to law school or still going will slip out but it’s okay for the most part. I understand what they mean. No the confusion is more on the lines of general ponderings about my own decisions regarding my life. All the above lies in the following questions I ask myself: What am I doing? Where am I going? I’ve been happy with my chosen profession (mostly) but there’s a lot more out there, isn’t there? And if there is, what would befit me and my skills? Have I backed myself into a corner of sorts that I can’t escape from because I’ve been so focused on this one singular thing? Can I truly change my identity or should I even think about it at my age?
Ughhhhh, soooo frustrating *bangs head on keyboard*
So…I mean I’m not the only one who goes through this, am I? And today a dear friend of mine said to me, ‘you first have to figure out what you’re good at, what you want to do, before moving forward’. I’m paraphrasing here but this is the gist. Oh boy those two things that I need to ‘figure out’ are easier said than done. I mean heck, I don’t know which is why I’m sitting here making my cranium hurt.
I need to do some serious soul searching folks. That’s a fact. I mean, I know what I want to do…that’s apparent even as I write these words but can it sustain me? I don’t think I’m that good at it. And at the end of the day, Iz needs monies to pay mine bills. Drat.
Off I go to do some serious pondering.
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