Trials and Tribulations of My Life (Yes, Again)

Oh gosh, oh gosh!! 

What makes me exclaim so?  Well I met an old friend the other day.  Yes, this friend was one that I had no interest in coming face-to-face with but nonetheless every few days/months I will find myself happily walking along in life and there before me stands this friend.  Actually, I don’t know if the title of ‘friend’ is really appropriate because frankly I’d rather never have to see this particular one ever.  Since then, talk about being stuck to me, can’t shake the damn thing.

Who is this person you wonder?  Well rest assured this ‘friend’ isn’t a person at all.  Yes, what I speak of, which I have now labeled ‘friend’ but do not accept as such, is adversity.  You think this word does not have an identity to itself?  Well I do.  I’m not saying you’re wrong in thinking otherwise, but hell when it’s around me, it’s a living breathing horrible-y growly thing that consumes me.  Have I written about this before?  Yes?  No?  I can’t remember but it’s worth discussing again I believe.

Yes Crickets, my life has once again come to a screeching standstill with my long time buddy/pall/friend/compadre:  adversity.  And boy o boy do I want it to kick me in the shin, tell me it never wants to see me again, ever, ever, ever, and leave me for good.  What’re the chances of this happening?  Nada.  I’m good and stuck.

Now, don’t ask me for details, I’m not about to give it.  Hell I have to keep some things personal and yes, the adversity that presently is holding me close to it is the type that appears as if it will never let go.  Don’t be alarmed my friends, I can be terribly negative as a person but even I am very aware that eventually I will come out of this hopefully better.  Right now it sure doesn’t seem it but truly I’m trying to stay optimistic about all that’s going on, it’s not like I have much of a choice, seriously!

The funny thing about adversity, and I truly do believe this, is that without it, we would never really grow, would we?  I’m not talking about in height/girth/breadth but rather the spiritual, psychological, emotional growth that we need in order to somehow become somewhat a better people.  Sure this isn’t always the case with all of humanity.  I wish humans were, as a unit, that smart.  Hell there are plenty of folks out there who go through things having learned nothing in the least and even go out of their way to repeat mistakes.  For those people I feel sorry.  Hold up, let me admit I was, and I stress the word was, a part of this group of morons.  I can say I no longer am because frankly I’m too old and even a bit too wise at this point.

Now speaking only for me, since hey it’s my blog and I can do that and besides the fact I don’t like to talk for anyone else least I start to get hate mail, I feel like if I can come out of some particularly bad run of life, look back on it and at least believe that I was able to remain somewhat unscathed, I think that in itself is a success.  Maybe the outcome of it wasn’t fantastic but possibly the lesson I learned was worth the pain?  Oh I’m not saying that I would have rather had the pain in order to get to the lesson, I mean who the hell wants that but sure, if I can get something out of it, why not that?  And I admit happily that a lot of those things are referenced to others who may be suffering some pains of their own.  This is where I will feel terribly wise and sage, even when I’m really not. 

But back the initial point, yes, so yours truly is going through some shiznit that is causing her to spend a lot of nights (recently) in which I’m staring at the ceiling wondering what the next chapter of my book of life will reveal.  Actually rather I’m wondering when it will.  Let me drag this analogy on a bit more: To me it feels as if I’m sort of stuck on this page which I’m re-reading over and over again.  All I have to do is get through it, flip the page and voila there I am next chapter!  But the fact is I can’t seem to go past the first paragraph.  I am really unable to take in anything I’ve read even though I yearn to move on but somehow I’m just…stuck.  Have you ever felt this way?  Rest assured if you haven’t, you ain’t missin’ out on jack.  It sucks.

I know this blog has managed to frustrate you with all the ‘non info’ I’ve given.  It’s not that much of a mystery truly, probably once I do write about it in more detail (which will not be now but in the future once things have managed to settle down and equilibrium is once again restored) you may just go ‘oh okay’ or even ‘what the hell is the big secret, that’s typical enough’ but for me it’s private and well…tough to deal with.   Oh but I will write, I mean that’s my thing so I’ll have to write.  Just, not yet.  

You know what I really want (and please do tell me if this is far too much to ask for)?  What I want is just a nice big chunk of my life to go rather smoothly, for things, good things, to happen to me.  Not just one little event here or there, but significant things.  “Good” hasn’t happened in so long that I can’t quite remember when I felt elated with my existence, a moment in time in my recent past where  I’ve had the opportunity to sit back and say to myself ‘oh everything is perfect’.  I know it’s silly to seek perfection in one’s life but at least some aspect of it should be close to it, shouldn’t it?  Am I really truly asking for too much?

Frankly, if you ask me, I think for now, I’ve learned enough.  I think it’s time that others take some of what I’m getting and ‘grow’ from it.  Hell, I’m big enough as it is and I would be happy to sit back and breathe a bit.  However, that all being said, I may as well suck it up and realize that nothing is about to change anytime soon, and most certainly nothing will change without a lot of effort on my own part.  My normally lazy nature will have to find itself a nice cozy corner somewhere and hibernate while the more aggressive ‘I’m out to make things flippin’ fantastic for myself and I am the captain of my own happiness ship as well as destiny’ side takes control for a while. 

Sheesh, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Okay here I go, off to make things happen.  Oh but it’s such a lovely evening and my patio looks so inviting and I could just sit there and read a trashy novel or write a few chapters of my book or…?  I mean all that sounds so good, right?  Wait, no!  No I shall go do what I need to do.  No more whiny posts about how sad/pathetic/hard/blah blah blah my life is. 

*Squares otherwise hunched shoulders, lifts head up high, marches over to Adversity with a narrowed determined glare and gets into its face*

Hey you, adversity!  Yea you, I’mma talkin’ to you!  You know what; go take a long walk off a short peer above waters infested with sharks.  I’m so done with you!  I thumb my nose at you.  You think you got me?  Well lemme tell you, you don’t.  Not by a long shot.  I will not give in to you this time.  You will not get the best of me, you will not make me cry, and you most certainly shall never have the satisfaction in knowing that you have bested me, for this time it will not happen.  Booya!