(You gotta love the nonstop "..." that I use in my titles. They denote a certain mystery, unsaid words, etc...right?)
If you're wondering what this blog is going to be about, that little nugget of information that I provided in the prior blog about things that have happened in the last few years that contributed to me disappearing from this sphere, well this is one of the first sharing that I'll be doing.
Let's talk about introspection, shall we.
What does true introspection look like to you? Particularly when it's real without smoke and mirrors or gaslighting yourself?
I'm here to tell you that it absolutely, without a doubt, completely and totally SUCKS, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Regardless, I've been doing a lot of it for quite a while now, as in years and years. Who knew I would need allllll that time? Not me, and that was probably where I went wrong. The assumption that I was pretty okay and self-realized. Nope, not even a little.
(Side bar: As I'm drafting this, I think I may have even written about this same topic before but I have zero patience to go do my due diligence to make sure I'm not being redundant. Likely that I am, I own this and maybe I have something fresh and new to share in all this?)
Introspection seems like such a popular, trendy word in certain circles. These are the intellectual giants who appear to have their thumbs on the pulse of their own psyche, as well as others. They seem to know right vs wrong, correct vs what the actual fuck, zen vs frenetic...etc. In fact, most often these chosen people seem to glide around so composed with an aura of light that can often be blinding. They are...perfect, or at least seem. And when in the company of these 'whole' humans, the regular folk like myself strike a thoughtful pose, nod solemnly, and try to pretend like I not only get what they mean but also ascribe to the same higher consciousness.
Even while I pretended, fearful of being less than...if I have to be honest, this shit used to annoy me, not because they had a grasp on things I didn't understand or reflected a behavior that I thought was impossible in the face of negativity of any sort but rather because I wasn't at their level, hell, I didn't even know there were ladders available to begin the climb.
Then one day way back in about 2015-ish or so...I was pretty down and out. Really, really. I had very little idea about the future, felt as if so many roads I thought has been 'safe' were anything but and more importantly, I was angry that because I was a good person that I didn't deserve such strife. I, of course, never said this out loud, never let my angst and outrage show but this is exactly what I thought. Or maybe I did and I had no awareness of it. I was clawing to understand why I seemed to be a target of God's and fate in general.
Do you know how devastating it is to think you're this completely awesome person only to realize one fine day, after turning a few things over in your head, how very wrong you were? It's a literal journey through your life up to that point where you're convinced that just because folks think you're 'helpful, nice, kind, good' should give you a free pass from sadness, disappointment, struggles, etc. It's bullshit of course.
Being all those things, the positive things, doesn't make life easier. Sure, it's a great way of being able to look at yourself in the mirror and not be horrified at the reflection. If you're not being truthful to yourself though and if you know that what you show to others is a better version of all those things in your head, or worse then well...what's the point? Who really are you?
That's the question I posed to myself. Who am I without the nonsense and fakery? What am I? Am I that good person that's so helpful, so nice, so good, so kind? And while I speak of no payback, that my good deeds speak for themselves, did I really mean it? Turns out folks, I didn't. Not at all.
I swear expectations, the type that demands like to like, is bonkers. A minimal amount is completely, at least to me, acceptable, but the ones that says things to you such as "I did that for X and they didn't do anything back for me...they suck" or "How could they have not done/reacted the way I did when they needed X for me, and now that I need them?"
Yikes. I thought this ALL the time. Comparisons of my act of service, which is for sure my love language, versus the other persons was way beyond what could be considered healthy. I walked around in a perpetual state of emotions that were wholly negative. I reduced those around me to being insensitive and my outrage was as high as the furthest outreach of the galaxy.
My mindset was toxic. Like a salivating dog looking for a bone, I was seeking reasons to feel superior.
And during all that time I was amazing at pretending to be enlightened, really above it all. This was not even slightly true. The need for people to like, respect, want me was all I could think about. That external approval and validation was far more important than the internal.
What did I do as I started to realize what my mindset was really like? The first thing was...to avoid the hell out of it. Because the first look was so damn ugly that I sunk into binge watching every episode of the Star Wars series, even the terrible 3 middle ones. Better to torture myself with Jar Jar Binks then who I truly was.
Eventually I got back to it. Unpacking that first instance of an incident that I thought I had been in the right and the other person, wrong. The fact that I so quickly could find that example told the whole story that it still bothered me and I had to deal with it or lay it to rest somehow.
The process I utilized:
1. Recalling every thing I could about it, down to the tiniest detail which is not easy.
2. Reviewing those feelings that had been generated within me.
3. Asking myself why I had those feelings.
4. Asking myself, if looking at the whole incident from the external, not the internal, as if I were a 3rd party observer, what would I have thought, not just about what happened but MY words and MY actions.
5. Did I at all try to defuse the situation?
6. Did I approach the situation with the willingness to listen and clarify?
7. Did I at all take into account the feelings of the other person?
8. Did I ask what was happening in that persons life or take that into account if I already knew?
9. In all this, I did not at all focus on the other persons words/actions as it was in the past. I had to deal with the hear and now and most importantly, my part.
10. What did I want to do next? What was the remediation plan?
Again, this is what I did, this isn't some help advice column where I'm giving anyone some tips and tricks or psychological advice or therapy. I never went to school for a second regarding any of this, I don't have degrees, I have zero qualification. All this came from myself, from understanding and listening as well as over and over again putting myself into others shoes. The #1 question I asked in every instance as I faced the past:
How would I have felt if the tables were turned?
What
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