Understand Me Better

Take a look at me, a good long hard look in fact.  I want you to know me better, Man (and woman).  I want there to be no confusion. 

I’ve been around for 42 years.  I haven’t by any means had a hard life (like so many others) but most certainly it hasn’t been a cake walk.  I’ve grown up in a middle class family which went through it’s share of crazy.  I matriculated by the skin of my teeth, and then went to college because that was what was expected, then married and settled down.  I do not have kids, a heartbreak that will linger till I draw my last breath, I own a home, I’ve paid off my student loans, and love my car.  I have a job that I actually like and work with folks that I absolutely adore after leaving behind a 16 year old profession where I felt like garbage.  I find life to be one big huge honking struggle.  I am social and yet anti-social.  I love to take long drives by myself and I get lost in books because reality is so much harsher.  I sing loudly and am proud that I can hold a tune.  I have money enough that I do not have to think hard about spending it, struggle with my weight, freak out that I’m losing hair, love iced coffee, loathe the gym with a passion, act as if I’m way more cultured than I really am and am a MGM musicals junkie.  I believe, firmly, that I was born into the wrong decade and often wonder why God chose to make me brown.  I’ve witnessed a suicide, a death and have held my new born niece not long after she entered the world.  I’ve cried in the darkness wondering whether my heart could take the pain and just stop. 

The experiences I’ve had have left lacerations upon my soul and the lessons have been very difficult to learn.  I fought many of them every step of the way while others I embraced like an old lover.  People have looked at me, the exterior and thought, “what does she have to worry about?”  I don’t correct them.  If I seem like I have it together, than good.  Perfect.  Excellent. 

But they would be wrong.  Like any book, one shouldn’t judge it by the cover and for humans, most certainly not by the smile, the eyes, the lifestyle…there is so much more to that individual story.  There is so much more to me.  But I don’t feel the need to go into this with most.  I no longer have that energy.  Frankly, I believe that humans are stupid, reactionary creatures who love to judge yet hate to be judged.  The creatures that dominate and inhabit this planet are devoid of any sense of fairness at all and would dismiss others pains/agony/worry claiming it’s not theirs.  “It’s not my business.”  Yea, it’s not.  So that’s why I don’t explain. 

But you know what?  This is my blog.  This is my writing.  This is my platform and this isn’t about just any human, this is about me.  This is my narcissistic moment to explain me.  All that I wrote thus far above are random facts, information, and knowledge.  Pretty standard stuff if you really think about it.  So let me reveal the non-standard crap about me.

I’m a complete and utter swindler, Folks.  I really am.  A fraud, a fake, a phony.  I know this.  Since really achieving any sense of self, I’ve realized this.  And it makes me wonder how I have managed to gather about me so many people who love/care about me.  Because there isn’t a moment where I don’t think, “you’re such a fool…I’m totally bamboozling you”.

I’m also not as nice as people seem to think.  I’m not ‘likable’.  I can be a know-it-all, opinionated, overbearing and standoffish.  I’m kinda unbearable actually.    

And I won’t lie; in the past I’ve asked myself this question: “Do you even like yourself?”

The answer:  No, not really…to be totally honest. 

In fact, had I met myself somewhere, I would choose not to be friends with me.  A few of you, who know me well and in real life, could possibly be mystified as to why I’m saying this.  But live in my head for a moment and you’ll know precisely why. 

In case you were wondering, typing that out wasn’t easy because we humans are truly egotistical asses.  We don’t want to think bad about ourselves and we damn sure don’t want to hear it either.  We collectively try to put our best foot forward, particularly towards those we want to like us so that we don’t live a life completely void of human interaction/connections.  There are those outliers who don’t care who likes them or not but even that’s not totally true.  Like if a dog person would rather be with their beloved canine than they do everything within their power to be loved by said pooch, right?  Yea, we want to be liked/loved/adored, it’s intrinsic within us.  We need to feel like we are wanted and needed and that there is a real purpose behind why we’re here, floating around in space and time waiting for our eventual demise. 

I am very much the same.  I put on a front and I try to make people care for me, like me, become vested in me.  I want those connections just as much as the next person but possibly the way I go about making this happen is different, my technique, like my own unique DNA, is indeed singular.   And when I am ignored, taken for granted, dismissed, pushed aside…I hurt.  It’s as simple as that.  I hurt…bad.  I just may not display it as openly as others.  Instead I crawl into a hole and lick my wounds and come out a little more hardened, jaded.  This is who I am and I try never to do what is done to me, to others (although I’m fairly certain I’ve failed even on this front).

That all being said, here are my ugly truths, the things I try to deny, ignore, turn a blind eye to and it’s all for you to read as an effort to be completely open and honest:

I think horrible things just like everyone else.  In the quiet and peace of my own person I am not a benevolent human.  I have become apathetic and pessimistic to the point that I can no longer give anyone/anything the simple benefit of the doubt, although I say so and am progressive enough to believe so (sometimes).   I’m a deep and troubled hypocrite who spouts idealisms that she is unable to really believe.  I toe the politically correct line like everyone else even while I’m not necessarily on-board.  I am intrigued and disgusted by those who do speak their mind, regardless of how hurtful their words may be.  I struggle every single day with the realization that I’m a fraud and that I speak a better speak than anything else.  I take a hint of pride that I can manipulate people through my words, although that is a terrible, terrible thing to do.  I embrace the fact that I’m a bit of a joke, so insecure and awkward that it’s painful for me to leave the house most days.   I loathe my face. 

Rest assured, these deep seeded insecurities and inadequacies speak their own stories that I’m not willing to or able to really relay to anyone, don’t want to either.  There is, however, a reason why I’m like this, there always is.

Furthermore, I say that I want nothing from anyone but that’s not true at all.  I expect kindness in return to the kindness I give.  I want someone to listen to me, to care for me, to tell me it’s okay, particularly when I’m so generous with doling this out myself.  I become bitter and angry when someone fails me consistently because they are so wrapped up in their own lives that nothing else seems to matter but then again…I do that too sometimes…so how can I expect…?  I put my most sincere effort into what I do on a personal level and when I see/feel that the other person is unable/un-wanting/incapable of doing the same, I shut down.   I hold a grudge.  I’m so good at that.  I go terribly cold and formal.  I hold myself back completely at this point and I become one horrible passive-aggressive biatch but…I forgive with little effort on the transgressors part and  once forgiven, it is forgotten.  I will cut off my tongue before beating a dead horse or speak harsh words.  I have a heart that is terribly, terribly fragile.  I try to pretend that I’m a badass but in truth?  I’m not at all.

I cry when someone shows me sympathy or kindness while rejecting it at the same time because I do not want to be weak or dependent on anyone, ever.  I do recognize also that I am not the only person who has problems in their lives, which helps me put things into perspective.  When someone negates all that I say is wrong with me, telling me instead that I am wonderful, amazing, kind, blah blah blah, I become furious.  Truly and honestly I am sickened that I could so lead people to believing this but then again, I do this on purpose, don’t I, because at the end of the day I sincerely want to be all those lovely things.

Truth is, I am a contradiction, in every sense of the word and it’s exhausting because I’m never at peace in my own head.  You may not know that so much is going on in me, but it’s all there, simmering under the surface, being beaten back into submission with a mental iron fist. 

All this is terribly harsh, is it not?  To say these things about oneself?  To come out and write this all down on paper?  You think I’m depressed?  I’m suffering from some sort of psychosis?  That my own self-worth is so low that I may take a knife to my wrist any day?

Let me assure you now, I am perfectly in my right mind.  And if I could go back and change any of the experiences I’ve had which has created me, I wouldn’t.  I would leave it all alone because thanks to those things, I’ve become the ridiculously hypocritical yet kind human that is writing this blog.  Yes, I said kind even though above I said I wasn’t.  I apologize for the confused look on your face at this moment.

The thing is…taking the time to understand who you are, acknowledging all the dark and ugly parts of you, truly is important.  Not everyone agrees with this, most would never do it and some cannot even grasp the concept, the need for it.  To me it’s necessary in order to evolve as a person, to not stagnate, to grow even when we believe there is no more growing that can be done.    

Don’t know why after such a long hiatus of not writing, I decided to say/reveal all this.  It’s a horribly serious topic.  But after months of doing nothing but work, work, and more work, I had an opportunity to add to my blog and I was eager to make it interesting.  I could have fallen back on trite silliness, commentary about the weather, a memory I could share, a thought I had that was profound in it’s sheer ridiculousness yet this was what I chose to say.  I’m not sure why.

The short of it is that lately I’ve walked around feeling as if no one truly gets me.  Even those who I thought did, doesn’t.  I’ve tried to understand people, tried to ‘get’ them but the problem often times is they just don’t get me.  I’ve found myself running around desperately trying to make these connections with random people and in my effort to stay connected I give so much of myself to those around me that often times, I’m misunderstood.  How does this happen?  Because I care enough to want to hear from someone, to talk to them, to become vested enough to the point where I want to cheer on their happiness and wipe away tears, to ask questions, to miss them, to tell them these things…and that very pure intention is often mistaken for something else…like being needy and clingy. 

The most basic fact about me is that even if I want to be needy or clingy, I never ever show it.  I hold myself back from burdening people with myself, my life, or my issues.  I will walk through fire before making someone feel obligated into having to be my support.  I’ve long since settled with the very concept that I’ll always be the shoulder that others lean against and cry on.  That’s a role I take on happily and without any bitterness at all.  So needy?  No.  Clingy?  Most certainly not.  I am friendly, and caring and thoughtful.  I look at a person’s face first to determine what’s going on, look into the eyes to see if there’s pain, read body language to spot those signs that others aren’t noticing.  I’m empathetic, sympathetic and all those other ‘etic’s’ out there.  I may not be nice all the time, particularly in thought, I may not be a great person, but I’m a good person.  And that, in a nutshell, is what’s often overlooked. 

Yea, lately I’ve felt isolated and a little lost.  The struggles with my own demons have become harder to the point where I’m letting them win.  I’m allowing myself to become bitterer and way more jaded than ever before.   I’m shoving away all support and understanding to embrace a seething hurt, a constant blinking back of tears (ones that I hide if they do dare to spill over), a soul that is shriveling up ready to call it quits.  Keep this in mind: no one person has done anything to me, please don’t think so, it’s just everything together.  Maybe age combined with exhaustion and a sense of how my own mortality is slipping by each single day?

Pretty sobering thought, ain’t it?  Downright depressing, right?  Maybe a little too heavy for a Wednesday night?  Lol, true.  But that’s how I’m geared.  I think, and contemplate, and ponder endlessly, nonstop.  When it gets to be too much, I put it on “paper” to purge.  This is me doing just that.  It’s gotten to be too much.

And this is also where I start to pick the pieces right back up because if I’ve learn nothing at all from my past, particularly those times when I’ve hit similar lows, I do know that this too shall pass.  Such an easy thing to say and sometimes it seems like it won’t happen but as sure as the sun rises, it does.  The clouds part and I find reasons to smile, laugh, dance, sing...I say I find a reason but that doesn’t mean the sadness isn’t glittering at the edges of me.  I’ve had this dark side shadowing me for as long as I could remember, even as a child.  This is what introspection does to a person. 

But in all the negative I’ve just confessed, I can also say that I am a strong woman, pretty resilient.  I have guts to indeed leave my house every day and battle my own demons without any help from anyone else.  I am stupidly intelligent about the human condition and in-tune enough with myself to see where my fail points are, admit to them, embrace them and then…work towards fixing them.  I am a very humble person who knows without a shadow of a doubt that the cosmos does not revolve around her.  My personal ouches does not trump anyone else’s, they’re just mine hence they are significant to me but I’m not the type of arrogant, narcissistic A-hole who can’t see beyond myself.  That’s definitely not me. 

None of this is easy, I repeat, NONE OF THIS IS EASY, to write down.  And accepting what I am also is difficult as hell, particularly if I’m trying to better myself somehow as a result.  How successful I am at this endeavor so far, I can’t really say because a person can’t truly judge their own successes anyhow, not without some sort of prejudice tinging it.       

Anyhow, so here I am.  Good, bad, ugly.  You have a little closer look into the dark side of me, whether you wanted it or not.  Believe me when I say I’ll persevere.  This is not lip service.  Do not worry about me, I gots me but in the meantime here’s a suggestion for you…take the time to look into yourself and be brutally honest about whom you are, what you are.  I’m not saying that you should write a blog about it or go around confessing to anyone who’s willing to listen.  All I’m saying is that by doing this, you may understand yourself better; to see into your own soul and figure out what it is you need instead of looking for it externally.  I’ve been searching so long for just this…external gratification and acceptance.  And for as cheesy as this may sound, I truly need only mine, because that’s the one that matters…and God’s.   

I’m still on the path to this particular brand of enlightenment, haven’t quite achieved it, dunno if I ever will.  That’s okay, I find solace in the fact that in this life, where others try to declare their perfection as well as convince others of it, I’m not, proving that I’m very human and full of flaws and that if I actively look to make myself better, there’s a good chance it may happen, right?

Or at least I hope.