Damn it, I've been a naughty blogger of late. I haven't taken fingers to keyboard in a hot minute and the guilt has been killing me (not really). Last week was sort of jammed pack with work, working out, work, organizing my world, work, meeting new people, work...did I mention work?
I started two new blogs in the meantime but haven't had the energy or interest to finish and post. I'll get to them later. For now both are hanging out in draft form wondering why I stopped loving them. I figure if it's boring for me to write, it'll be equally boring for y'all to read hence I wait for creative inspiration to strike.
In the meantime, yesterday was unseasonably warm. 62F and the fools around these parts were already busting out the shorts. Really, People? You do realize that the fluxuating weather, although temporarily feels amazballs, isn't necessarily good either and isn't sticking around? You're going from extreme temperatures and the plague is just lurking in the shadows for the right time to pounce. Sure I didn't have a sweater on but neither were my knees on display. Human kind can be real dumb sometimes.
Anyhow, I took a lovely long drive yesterday, listening to some awesome tunes, the sunroof open but the heater running at minimum. The sun warmed the top of my cranium and I was...well I was okay. Don't expect miracles now. Be happy that I can say 'okay' with honesty because the alternative is to either bitch up a storm or lie.
I also indulged in watching the Grammy's. Since my bro is a voting member, I feel sort of obliged but then there are the great collaborations that make it worth my time to waste plopped out on the sofa whereas I should have been working out.
Oh did I mention that I'm working out? I think I did. But I am if in case you didn't read that blog which spoke at length about it. It's been great *she says with teeth gritted*. No but really it's not all that bad. I've eaten healthy, sticking to a lowish carb diet while indulging every now and then in a piece of Harry and David's dark chocolate bonbon. Otherwise a tablespoon of peanut butter is my go-to and I haven't been hungry thanks to healthy snack options. Jeez, just listen to me. Don't I sound like some health freak? You can trust that I'm far from it.
This morning the weather was significantly colder which meant hats, gloves and coats (why did I type in goats? That would be weird walking around DC with a goat). With meetings, I haven't had a chance to focus on much but then during the earlier part of the day I had a chance to share a post from someone else. Here it is:
A close friend not too long ago said to me, "why are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop?"
I recall looking at him almost blankly and responding, "because it always does."
If I had only accepted (within my heart) that one day the other shoe will most definitely drop, that would be okay. I said the words but I can for sure tell you that I hoped against it in some deep recess of my being, I always have. Had I embraced the concept from the beginning, possibly half the disappointments I've suffered in life would have been easier to take.
But that's not what I've been doing even while I utter the words. Yea, my pessimistic nature demands that I question everything and anything. Even if I don't verbalize it, half the time I'm thinking to myself, 'What's the angle? What's this going to cost me? Why is this happening this way?' However, for as negative as these thoughts are, I believe that maybe, just maybe, things can be taken at face value. If someone says something nice about you, it's not because they're trying to get something out of you. If something ends up working out right, it's not because it's a miracle but rather because it was supposed to.
This mentality that I've grown up with has saved me from some pretty unsavory situations/lessons in life. But on the flip side of that very coin, it hasn't gone all peaches and cream easy either. Due to the almost breathless anticipation of the shoe to hit the floor, I've managed to not enjoy whatever it is I'm experiencing. Not only is it frustrating to me but to the person(s) I'm with. Before I know it, I'm sitting back thinking that I should have really shut up and have lived in the moment. But like seriously, who are we kidding? I mean I'm so not like that...by nature.
Still...still...I see how destructive and ineffective towards my own happiness this mindset is hence I've decided to start to overcome. If I had to identify a New Years resolution (even if it is Feb 9) this is what I'm resolving: No more am I going to anticipate anything and wait for that damn shoe to drop. The shoe is either staying on the damn feet or in the closet!! I know the reality is that nothing lasts forever, nothing. What we have today most likely will be gone tomorrow. Nothing also stays stagnant. Things change from moment to moment. The people we were yesterday isn't the same as the person we are today and will not be the same person we will be tomorrow, even from a biology standpoint. It's important to adapt and adjust and let go of fears of change so that living in the moment becomes a pleasure, not constant stomach churning anxiety. This is reality in it's most stark form. I know this intellectually, now I have to simply accept it within my heart. And next time that damn shoe/heel/boot/slipper falls? I'll look at it, shrug my shoulder and say, "oh well, that's that."
Ultimately I've made a resolution I guess. I'm not happy about it since we all know I don't like the nonsensical concept of resoluting anything however, this is a necessary evil. Wish me luck.
Ugh! It's raining. I have to go home in this crap. Meh.
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