It was a moment in time when one stares into eternity hoping to feel something, expect something. I found myself feeling and expecting nothing, absolutely zero. No happiness or sadness, no joy, no fear, no elation, no devastation. It just was and I was numbly accepting it without a word. The urge to run away had long since died. It had been killed with emotional blackmail so heavy that they were like weights tied to my feet and sinking me down. I had no other option, this was it. And if someone would have told me that this was going to be how things would work out, I would have laughed at them.
The last month had gone by in a numb blur. Plans were being made, activities being mapped out, life moving at the speed of light yet I felt as if I stood in the middle of it being ignored completely. Not a soul asked me what I wanted and I knew at the end of the day no one cared, not really because to them the 'right' thing was happening, what was the accepted, the norm. May be they were right? I had asked myself this question a few times. I tried to see it from their point of view. Was what was happening the best for me? Had I not known what was right for my life? Did I need my elders to take control and steer me in the right direction? At the age of 29, how was I so ignorant?
"Do you like this?" I was always getting jarred out of my thoughts now a days, this was just another occasion.
A piece of 6 yard long colorful silk cloth in the shade of bright pink was held under my nose for inspection. I took it numbly into my hand not really feeling it's softness nor seeing the lovely intricate gold embroidered details but I nodded because that's what they wanted me to do, "they" being my aunts and mother. 5 women who stood around me clucking over this sari or that color, this price or that store...all overwhelming me with their demands to focus when focus was just what I couldn't seem to do, no matter what.
"That would look nice against your skin color," said a now familiar masculine voice. I looked up from the small stool I had been perched upon. He stood their smiling down at me, his look almost sheepish.
I looked down at what I was holding. When had the pink one been replaced by a midnight blue silk that seemed to morph into some shade of red when in different lights? My brows furrowed. "Okay," I murmured.
"Buy it?" He suggested with a soft smile that I could hear in his voice.
The women who had been so busy up till then suddenly were up and crowding him even as he said those words. I watched quietly as he was engulfed in cries of delight and fawning words of endearments. I myself had to sit there dealing with similar attention as I too was greeted by his mother and her sister. Their perfumes choked me but their genuine warmth was gratifying although I felt nothing in return.
It was chaos after that, everyone talking and laughing, driving the poor shop keepers crazy and on their toes. He stood not to far from me, staying a respectable distance away. I avoided his gaze although I felt his eyes upon me. I had a feeling He wanted me to talk to him but some part of me refused to let go enough, to bend to that will. Eventually though he stepped closer when someone asked him his opinion about one outfit that was casually draped over me.
He looked as uncomfortable as I felt as he ran his eyes quickly over me, his face suffusing in color. "Yes, that's nice." He said clearly embarrassed. The women, all of them, tittered and giggled, throwing each other knowning looks.
I was in hell. This was hell and I was in it and burning in it's fire. I would never escape, I would be here forever.
"I think I'll go get something to drink, I'm not feeling too good." I stood abruptly nearly throwing the offending garment off. I wasn't speaking to anyone in particular.
My mother though was quick to hear and turned, "what's wrong?"
"I just feel...hot." This was not a lie. "I need some...thing." What I really needed was something I would never be able to have.
To my horror, she turned to him and asked him to accompany me. I should have anticipated this move but a sluggish brain was the after affects of my recent happenings in life. Hell, lately my brain was almost working in reverse gear. He just nodded like a good desi fellow and followed me out. Again we heard a gail of laughter. I clenched my teeth in aggravation, wanting to head straight for the doors that led out into the sweltering heat but at least this was freedom to some extent from eyes that watched far too carefully.
"You are unwell?" He asked.
I didn't answer for a few steps, then nodded though still not looking at him, "no."
"There is a small store over there."
I don't remember following him but I guess I did to a small shop that sold snacks, cold drinks and ice cream. The interior was not much cooler then outside but it afforded some respite from the warmth since it was air conditioned. He slid the glass door open and we walked in. A few people were already there, an exhausted mother with her children possibly who were busy licking dripping ice cream cones while she had a slightly glassy eyed look in her coal smudged eyes. A couple sat near the back of the store so engrossed in conversation that they barely had touched their sandwiches or drinks. Otherwise the place was quiet.
A thin man with an impressive handlebar mustache stood behind the counter smiling and standing ramrod straight. Before he could order for me, I said in a clipped tone to the cashier that I wanted a coke, cold. He also ordered the same. When I went to reach for my wallet, he held up a hand. I knew he wouldn't let me pay and that bothered me but these days, what didn't bother me?
We found a table which wasn't in some intimate corner of the place but front and center because intimate was the last thing I had in mind, not with him. I glanced around, not wanting to look at him, anywhere but him. The walls were blue, cracking and chipping but hidden by the darkness of the interior. The smells that perfumed the air wetted my appetite but again I had no interest in breaking bread with him. The mother who sat not too far from us looked at me, giving me a fleeting smile. I stared back at her wondering if that wasn't my future, looking haggard and tired surrounded by a bunch of boisterous children who spoke too loud, ate too noisily and was demanding constant attention. That wasn't how I had ever seen it but may be I was coming face-to-face with my future? The thought sickened me slightly.
He did not attempt to make conversation, or at least right away he didn't. I was satisfied with sitting there in utter silence avoiding eye contact and I couldn't help but wonder if this was how...but then again I did know the answer to that unsaid question...yes it would be.
"I feel as if we should make an effort to know one another." He finally said in a meak voice that seemed to immediately grate on my nerves.
I immediately bristled, "It's a bit late for that, don't you think?" I even surprised myself with the bitterness in my voice.
"Okay." Came his response, as weak as the original statement as he lapsed back into silence and I couldn't help but wonder if he possessed a spine or the ability to hold a conversation.
I sipped the still lukewarm coke, not because it had turned thus with the passing of time but because it appeared as if nothing in this country was the right temperature, or at least to me. During these quiet moments, my mind often drifted back into the past even when I had no interest in revisiting for it cause me nothing but intense pain. So I would viciously pull my mind back and try to go blank though it wasn't always easy...sometimes things just filtered through. The pain of the memory was intenste, like that of a super heated rod straight to the heart, scorching and leaving it in cinders. Death, I thought, would be easier than this.
But at that moment, I just closed my eyes and for a second I was transported...
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