Male PMS [Insert eyeroll here]

Note:  The blog below was actually one I started over a year ago.  It was to be posted in the other blog I used to have for a while but I basically gave it up since the darn thing became so controversial (don't ask).  I just looked to see if there was anything good I could re-post here (read that as appropriate to view) and found this one and thought to myself 'sure, this is more like a public service message, so why not.'  Here it is y'all.  Enjoy.
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Have I written about this before? If yes, then sorry for being redundant but if not, why the hell haven't I? I mean this is a serious problem. We should have support groups created for this specific reason alone. And I don't care how many men would protest, screaming that there is no such thing because somewhere deep down in their soul, they know it's bullshit. 

So the other night I walk into the house and try to give P a friendly hello to which the only response is a grumpy 'hmph'. Thinking something is amiss, I plaster on a concerned look on my face even though all I really wanted to do was to sink down onto the sofa and partake in a bag of lays potato chips. I slide down next to him, wrap a reassuring arm around him and croon into his ears, 'what's wrong darling?'.

He looks at me as if I had lost my mind and goes 'nothing, why?'  Now this isn't like a female version of 'nothing' which means really there is something wrong and you better figure it out immediately because you will suffer the consequences for the next several hours/days/weeks/months. No, his nothing was honest to goodness nothing. I've figured this out after 15 years of being hitched to this fool. When he's pissed, he'll tell me and once I've said "I'm sorry" once he'll pretty much get over it and move on.

So I'm looking at him in this perplexed way and say "so nothing is wrong yet you're grumpy. There is NO reason behind it?"

He just shrugs, and focuses back on the television while mumbling 'does there always have to be a reason?'

I'm sitting there gazing at him thinking, YES, there DOES have to be a reason!!

I get up and stomp away trying to not whack him.  I put up with his snarly attitude for most of the night and thank god when my cousin calls me cause I'm able to just release my outrage over this to her.

There was a time that I didn't think that male PMS was real however living with a man for so many years (ages, eons, forever basically) has taught me that in fact there is such a thing and it's most certainly not mythical like the Loch Ness or Big Foot (or a "sensitive man" for that matter).  Hell it's as real as the streets that you walk down, the car that you drive or the LV purse that you covet.  It's as true as the air that we breath, the gravity that keeps our feet planted to the ground or the farts that men will emit as soon as you're in bed (*eww* and why...just seriously why?).   

Let me stop here with a small disclaimer:  I'm not a medical researcher or doctor, hell I'm not all that intelligent or book smart really.  You could say I'm just a normal ho-hum boring individual who has lived a long enough life to be able to claim that this condition, Male PMS, does exist without the need for medical proof, just real life experiences.  Please do keep this in mind as you read on.

The thing is we females...we have a reason for our insanity, oh yes and I admit that we can be in every sense of the word...nuts.  But listen up, it's called PMS.  Don't know what that is?  Well crawl out from under that rock and check this out... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_syndrome.  Now that I've edjumicated you via Wiki, let's move on.  I mean honestly, we sure can be down right loco sometimes to the point where I can look at myself or my counterparts and shake my head and roll my eyes in disgust however we can at least for the most part blame hormones and 'that time of the month'.  It's not even some crutch we use to be bitchy, it's a real condition (as most men and women out there can attest to).  If the female in the house (yours or someone else's or hell even on the street or at work) who is normally sweet, kind and considerate suddenly turns into Godzilla, there is a perfectly reasonable reason (unless that is if you've done/said something just purely idiotic in which case may be she's just boilin' mad but that's another story). 

Err...but here's the question:  If we can use biology as a reasonable excuse, what's a man's explanation for suddenly turning into Freddy Friggin' Kruger, huh?  I mean do you guys got the same happy welcomed-with-open-arms monthly visitor that refuses to leave and ruins a perfectly good week?  The one who makes it impossible for you to button the same pair of jeans you wore just the week before because now you're retaining water?  The same one that has you clutching your abdomen in agony while you're doubled over resembling a 90 year old?  Or holding your back because it feels as if it's about to break in half?  Do you break out into pimples just as some big important even is impending, have super ridiculous chocolate cravings where  you're huddled into some corner scowling at others who even look at the chocolaty goodness with interest or burst out into tears because you saw a leaf blow by (don't judge, that's happened to me once)?  Is the answer "no"?  If it is then please, for the love of god please tell me what your damn excuse is to be so damn moody?  As far as I can see, you have absolutely no call for pitching fits, being sulky nor pissy.  Get a grip Boo-Boo, this ain't your show. 

Worse of all, y'all think we enjoy using our hormones as an excuse?  Uh...NO (okay sometimes yes but for the most part NO) because we have to deal with the other lovely part of it which is the cramps, bloating and ... well you know.  Hello does this sound like fun stuff to you????  Oh I know some of you are sitting there going 'ahem' and 'TMI' and 'jeez Rubes, bring it down a notch' but put yourself in our shoes for one hot second and may be, may be you'll understand.  Actually no, you won't understand, never ever.  You may try to sympathize but fully understanding can not happen.  What a shame too. 

Basically what I want to say is that next time guys, when you decide to PMS...DON'T.  That right is reserved to the female gender who has to deal with all the nasty yuckiness that comes with it and believe you me, I think that most of us would agree that if we could give up the honor we would do so with a bounce in our steps and a grin on our lips.  Don't misunderstand me, I love being a woman but this part of it I can do without. 

Oh, here's another disclaimer and consider this good solid advice that may save your life at one point in the future:  When females are acting a bit crazy and you know she's nearing that mystical time of the month where her senses are all tossed to the wind and she's acting just that teeny tiny bit crazy, do yourself a favor and do not say 'that time of month?' or 'oh you must be PMS'ing, it's okay' or anything similar in reaction to her actions.  No really, just don't.  You want to save yourself the wrath of God descending upon your head then just refrain.  Hey you know what numb nuts, we are fully aware of what's happening to us, we don't need you to tell us okay?  Thanks!