Holiday Blues

Pic Cred: ME!

It’s really, really hard not to write about politics. I mean downright impossible at times since it’s so predominant right now, regardless of whether it’s here or anywhere else outside the boundaries of the good ol’ USA.

But I don’t want that in my blog…well not totally. I know me well enough, when I get enough into the feels about anything, I’ll write about it, particularly when I’m in a certain state of rage. Still you won’t see a lot of rants here because after I write out my anger-laden thoughts, I let it stew for a bit. After I return to the piece, inevitably I decide not to hit the post button. Fact is, the world around us is pretty icky regardless of whether I blog about it or not. As soon as I turn off the laptop, the realness and injustices, the straight up ugly is right there waiting. So I thought, why though should I let it be so very prevalent? I need to control this shiz, allow it to gain entry only where I want, not anywhere it wants. To that end, instead of letting this anger and growing hatred for everyone around me to overtake all aspects of existence as I know it, I’m going to (try to) use this blog, at least, as my escapism. Not that I haven’t been doing this since the beginning but I noted that since 2016 I’ve felt more of an instinct to post tirades than anything else. Now that I give it some thought, possibly I haven’t kept this medium up simply because there’s just nothing positive to say. What’s the point if I have nothing original to contribute?

With the best of intentions, and the occasional slip-ups, I forge forward with the hope that whatever gets put on this blog will be edifying, interesting, funny, observations or the equal likes as opposed to angry verbal diarrhea.

What’s first?

Let’s talk about the obvious.

Holiday’s are here which includes everything that is cinnamon flavored, twinkling lights and lots and lots of traffic.

Holy cow, the traffic. It makes one teeter on the edge of madness if they sit in it long enough. While I hold a deep distaste for it myself, I do love this time of year with all the sites and sounds. I am, however, not one of those folks who start to celebrate it as soon as Halloween is over. Personally, every holiday should be the star of it’s own, every season should receive it’s due. Maybe I feel this way also because of a deeply personal reason…

You see, my mother decided to give me birth on the very day a good portion of the populace is celebrating (whether religiously or as a token) Christmas.

Yup, yours truly is a Christmas baby.

Are you wondering if this is a good or bad thing? To be truthful, in parts it is both. I love and hate it all at the same time.

Imagine the child I was who used to see the decorations and present buying fury and assume it was all for me, only to be disappointed when eventually I was told it was for the birth of Prophet Isa (Jesus) (PBUH). This made little sense to me as a young tyke. Was he actually being given the gifts? Where was he to receive them? Didn’t he pass away ages ago? Then why were folks giving each other gifts instead of praying or doing something else like spending all that money on feeding the poor and stuff? How did gift giving even play into it and what about the other things like Santa Claus or even the much beloved decorations?

Suffice it to say, I was a weird child who had an annoying penchant to ask a lot of questions that were not easily Google-able because there was no such thing back then. I feel a lot of sympathy for my parents in a way to have had to deal with me.

Anyhow, the good of it is that well…I always get my birthday off. And others, throughout the year, always gasp when I tell them or they note, that my birthday is on the 25^th. I guess this last thing is good, right?

But there’s way more bad. Let me list a few:

Everything is closed (or it used to be but less now)

People straight up forget because they’re busy celebrating

Dual gifts (this would be more difficult if I were Christian but since I don’t celebrate Christmas, it’s less bad)

No one is usually around

Those are the obvious things which if you ask any other Christmas babies, they’d likely agree. Then there are the specific and personal reason for me which is…childlessness.

I am about to turn 47, I get a few months in which to remind me that I’m getting older, pointing precisely to the very day it’ll happen. Now let me clarify, aging doesn’t actually matter to me. I’m proud of every single wrinkle I have. I thank God for every day that’s been gifted to me because it’s a day more than anyone who passed had, so I’m not being an ungrateful boob about it. On a more personal level, it’s just a reminder that I move further and further away from being able to give birth to a child of my own, although I think that ship sailed long ago, thanks to my biology. But it is what it is.

Yeah, so here I am. A few days away from another turn around the sun and it’s both painful and sad. I could focus on the sad, which is so easy to do, but there’s little point in it. Nothing will actually change the situation of my life, at least not the birthing of my own child. I know all the other alternatives, I don’t need to or want to talk about that at this point. We all have our own crosses to bear and some aren’t for public consumption as this one is not.

How am I dispelling some of these blues?

I’m not. It’s there but I forget sometimes to be sad when I’m with someone I care about, when I’m laughing, when I’m sipping on some awesome peppermint-y drink, when I’m gazing at twinkling lights because I’m a sucker for them, or when I’m watching a movie that is totally unrealistic but that’s okay also.

Look the holidays are a struggle for a lot of people so mine are not unique. They are, however, mine and I make no excuses for them. I just try to work around them. Next season, I’ll have another reason to be in funkatude so I mean, what’s new, right?

Before I sign off, I asked my loved one: you’re not in the spirit of these holidays are you?

His response (and I’m paraphrasing): I like this season just fine, and enjoy the lights and foods and stuff but I hate that I have to be in a good mood, that I should feel a certain way otherwise I’m not doing this right.

He gave me pause to think and reflect. He’s right. No one should be forced to feel something or some way. We should not give into the commercialism of what Christmas has become or what silly movies or commercials tell us we should be doing. Instead, we need to be free to define it as we wish, with no blowback for it.

I’m going to go ahead and keep on moving forward with this month as I have always done. I’m probably going to go and gawk at some houses bedecked and wonder at their electricity bill. I’ll definitely be sipping on hot chocolate somewhere outside because that’s what I love to do and I’ll relentlessly sing Christmas carols under my breath even as I grit my teeth. I most likely will go to the mall, despite the chaos, just to watch others shop and I will sit next to my own tree and gaze up at it and make a few wishes. And yup, I’ll cry a little because I don’t have a kid that I can share this with. Don’t feel bad for me, we all have stories, I’m just letting you into mine.

And I guarantee you that by January, my bipolar ass probably will be wishing for a rewind because January is definitely always the bridesmaid and never ever the winter bride.

For now, I leave you with a happy holidays. Much love.

10 Years...and Counting

A few short weeks left in 2019.

How is that even possible? Didn’t it just start, like, yesterday?

At first, when someone posted about this on FB, I considered it casually, not allowing more thought than 10 seconds worth of my time. It was later, as I was looking for something around the house that the reality of a whole decade ending came to slap me upside the head, demanding a bit more consideration.

My annoyingly introspective self subsequently began to ask such questions as: what did you do to make these 10 years count? Have you grown on a personal level? Evolved? Have you learned anything or helped anyone?

A sense of discomfort came over me as I began the irritating journey of examination but on the inside. Why not the outside? Well life is funny in many ways as to how unpredictable it tends to be. Of course the overall journey that others can see is no mystery but it’s quite shocking to have to go back a decade, really recall all of them, and try to write them down. I’m not even going to attempt this but here’s a general synopsis:

Losses and gains

Ups and downs

Good and bad

Depressing and jubilant

I think that sums it up pretty aptly and probably, for the most part, apply to most anyone in the world.

There were great strides made in self-discovery, which I think would be the pinnacle of all things that happened. Shedding of ego, becoming humble, letting go of arrogance and a sense that all I think and do is ‘right’. I’ve turned my thinking around but not before facing adversity but that’s why we go through struggles, correct? In a way it’s just a vehicle upon which lessons are delivered to us. I didn’t think so in the past. I actually was sure that everything bad that happened was just a direct and personal vendetta against me, whether it be from God or whatever.

That assumption was lousy full of conceit, now that I think of it. How can it not be? I was so blinded by what was happening to me that there were almost horse blinders in place regarding those around me and what they suffered. Cancer? Not bigger than my mother yelling at me. Someone dying? Yea, well that happened in my family too, so what? A friend suffering from heartache? Oh shut up, been there, done that, no biggie and I can one-up you.

So incredibly narcissistic, really, to believe that I knew all, felt all, suffered all.

But…as this last decade slipped by, we were faced with struggles that were well beyond anything we imagined, bigger than our nucleus and the affects, wide spreading. We received, unto us, an orange dipwad who would change the very landscape of our world. He would bring forth hate, division, overall “isms” that had been lurking in the shadows. I don’t know whether to detest him or thank him because while the universe seems to be so very ugly right now, truth is there is more good than bad, if you look at the individual. However, if we continue live in the warmth of our own ignorance (for that’s so much easier), we are never really faced with the horrid realities that many people face every single day and their struggles. To change, become better, evolve as humanity should, we need to address the societal problems which have been there all along, festering.

I’ll expand upon the above more in a later blog but essentially, after the 2016 elections, I came to grasp just how small my problems really were/are, even though this had been slowly happening throughout the decade; it was just brought into sharper focus as minorities were being marginalized, more so than we could ever imagine.

The afterbirth of the election also brought to my world a varied amount of new people via Facebook. Looking for solace, I eagerly added many like-minded folks who I thought would share my grief and while that is most certainly true, I’ve also learned that regardless of how similar we are and that our political ideologies align, that doesn’t mean we are in lock-step. At first this was disappointing and disheartening but yet again, another lesson. It’s okay to be different, to have varying thoughts, as long as they are not focused on the sole purpose of destroying others for the benefit of themselves. And through these new friends, I saw all sorts of hardship and strife. The grief of losing loved ones, the devastation of being diagnosed with a sickness, the heartache from a dissolution of a relationship…so many stories, so much sadness and sorrow. But through that there was strength and resilience and kindness. There was laughter and lifting one another up and caring. These were things I needed to see.

Yeah, the whole decade was an epic roller coaster that took me from terrible lows to riding high, back down and up again. I suspect this is just a part of life so I shouldn’t expect it to change, and I don’t need it to either. Via these undulations of life,  I’ve become a bit more humble, far less arrogant, less judgmental, giving of myself without expectations of receiving, and overall prepared that if I take the last breath that everyone eventually has to take, it won’t be full of regret.

The next decade (if I can make it through)? I’m going to love a bit more, care a little less what others think, judge only myself, help those who need to be lifted and defend the helpless. I want to make sure that in the next 10, I can somehow get to the end of it and say, I made it all count.

Flat-Line and Trying to Resuscitate

I know this will make a lot of your eyes twitch but I bet it caught your attention!

Greetings!

It's me again. Remember me? Remember? Ahem...maybe you can just like, click through some of the other blogs I wrote in the past to refresh? They're all listed on the right side of your screen. It'll only take you a few seconds (but I'm a bit verbose and long winded so possibly more than a few seconds). Regardless, I'm willing to wait...

So now that you can recall who I am and what I'm about...

This blog pretty much flat-lined now for a year. 

I was shocked today to log in and see that the last post was from 2018, 2019 having been completely ignored like a bald-headed middle-child. I had to take great stock in why I had let my writing lapse but other than sheer laziness, which has pretty much been my standard go-to excuse, I suppose I can come up with a few other less reasonable explanations.

First, let's just address laziness again though because it bears repeating. It's not just procrastination, a behavior that I have perfected, but overall "I don't want to move a muscle to bother" attitude. This is never a good thing and even at the ripe old age of (almost) 47, I have yet to know how to overcome. If I believed in new years resolutions, this would be one that I would promise, however, in knowing me only too well, it would be a setup for an epic fail. Maybe now it's just time to accept this as truth about my own character and find workarounds? 

A second, possible viable reason for the non-blogging, likely excuse has been life. The general business that comes with being a breathing adult has been taking up a lot of time. Work, social, xyz, have all come to play. I find it harder to come home after a day of staring at a computer, only to have to do it again and create something at least read-worthy. Laziness also plays a role here too. In retrospect though, I cannot continue life as an excuse because everyone is doing it and seems to be able to find a balance. Me? Not so much. 

Oh god, so much evolving and growing up to do.

Third, the political environment. Doesn't seem like this could even be a thing or moreover why is it a thing? If you do not know me well, know this: I am into politics. Good, bad, ugly, I take it all in and yes, it messes with my head. Anyone who lectures me about this is speaking to a brick wall. Frankly, I do not get those who pay zero attention to politics for most of the time, whatever is happening within government will impact me in some way. With the shit-show that is Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, who has time to indulge in anything other than wanting to disavow any allegiance to this country and instead find a small corner of the globe and just disappear? Truthfully this isn't what I want to do. He pisses me off enough that I am one of those picking up the phone, calling representatives, marching, raising my concerns and that...my dear friends, take time.

This last excuse actually isn't an excuse at all but legitimate and I'm not sorry for this one to be a reason as to keeping me away from anything. There are more things at stake here, real human lives being impacted by the orange menace in office who isn't just stupid, but dangerous. Whatever I can do to help get him out (preferably right into a jail cell), I'll do without any qualms and with a great sense of satisfaction. 

I want to be able to look at my nieces and nephews (along with all children) sometime in the future when they ask, "what did you do to save us?" and reply "everything I could."

My final thoughts? 

I'm back. I don't know for how long. I really do need someone who can hold me accountable but I also don't like to give this sort of responsibility to anyone else when I should be adult enough to get my own life, particularly an aspect of it which I legitimately adore.

Let's see how long this lasts. It's the holiday season so maybe I have things to say, observations to make. The 20s is coming to a close so I have at least a decade I can address. Maybe even speak to some changes that I have seen in me? I'm not sure if any of it will be of interest, whether I'll gain back any sort of readership but I'm going to give it a try.