Again I decide to peek into my blog to see how long it's been since I've last posted something and my mouth falls open. I've been a bad, bad blogger but then again now I wonder if I was ever a good one to begin with when this seems to be my last priority and has been for quite a bit now. I've just not been able to be steady with writing down thoughts although there is no lack of topics I could expound upon. Weirdly enough I am fully aware that this, writing, is a passion and fulfills me like nothing else so the fact that I don't carve time for it actually manages to confound me. I guess the question is, why do I stay away from it, really?
Short of coming up with a pack of lies to show just exactly busy I am and blah, blah, blah, the simple fact is that I am lazy. That's it. The whole of my defense in one neat word. Lazy. And I suspect I also have the attention span of a gnat. Truthfully my enthusiasm for anything lately lasts approximately 5 seconds and then I'm off doing something wholly useless and brain rotting like watching YouTube videos or stalking folks on Facebook (if you're friends with me and reading this than the likeliness that I've "researched" you is pretty high). And before you start thinking that I suffer from ADHD or one of those other acronyms, I do not. I've gotten myself checked out.
Ever wonder though how much great potential was lost due to excessive FB'ing? I could have very well written a beautiful piece of literary genius by now, having shown it to the universe (yes, the whole wide universe) but it will never be revealed because I spent 2 days arguing with some jackass about how clearly racist and stupid they were (online) but didn't know. #Keyboardwarriorreportingforduty.
Anyhow so what's the point of this blog? Initially nothing. I had no topic in mind other than putting my fingers to the keyboard to see where things could go. And to my vast pleasure, a topic just sprung to mind.
A few minutes ago I posted on FB that I was totally unmotivated to write (basically bitching and moaning as I am want to do) and my wonderful tribe of well-wishers jumped forward to offer well meaning advice. They ranged from maybe I'm depressed to get off FB for a bit because I needed a break. There were some suggestions also to take pills but those were rejected off-hand since that definitely isn't my world. Hell, I don't even indulge in Midol when I'm cramping like a mofo during my period. One person said it was probably weather related funk and that maybe I wanted to buy me one of those fancy lightbulbs that give you vit D. I like that my friends actually took their time to respond to me, even on a Saturday night and that too so quickly. #Blessed. (You may notice I'm using hashtags. Why? Because they amuse me, so deal with it because it probably won't last long anyhow.)
So I sat back and wondered for a few minutes, did I need to get off social media? Was it, in fact, a time suck? I would be lying if I said not at all but was it so much so that I was losing sight of my life? Was too much of my happiness/sadness determined upon my interactions online?
Here's a bit of information about my onlining since I began to internet: In 1999 I moved from California (where I had been living for 3 years) back to my home state of Maryland after landing a contract job with the DOJ. It was just before the millennium. After three months as a gov contractor though, my brain began to atrophy and I escaped to a private law firm where no matter what I tried, I couldn't make friends with anyone at that place. I felt like what I used to feel back in my elementary school days, lonely and rejected. In the process of having lived in the west coast, I had also lost a vast amount of friends so basically other than family, I was solitary. I decided to try chat, specifically Indian chat rooms hoping they were less pervy (they aren't in case you were wondering) than most American sites like Yahoo. And with the advent of this new foray into the world of cyberspace, I discovered one can easily get lost. It became easy to ignore reality for the virtual type. I found myself glued to the computer as much as possible, spending unhealthy amounts of time embroiled into nonsense that didn't need to impact any part of my life but it did.
And then one day, I developed a bad taste in my mouth and logged off telling these chat friends I was done, for good. They mocked me and told me I would never be able to do it for I was too addicted but I'm a stubborn asshole so when I decide something...it's basically a done deal, no matter what. I left chat and didn't return for at least 5 years. That next stint lasted about 2 years and since then I've never been back, not even if I'm brainlessly bored.
What did I get in it's place? Facebook, of course. 2007 was when I first created an account as I sat in a conference room in Hong Kong during a business trip (a very long one). For the proceeding years till the end of 2016 I had about just under 500 family/friends. They were people I knew, had met in person save some of the old chat friends that I wanted to keep in my world. I was happy with this number unable to comprehend how some had their lists in the 1000+ range. On November 9, 2016 my friends list began to balloon. I joined a group called Pant Suit Nation that millions of other women (and some men) joined in order to tell their individual stories in a safe environment. It was a support group in every sense of the word. Meeting those ladies, warriors I dare call them who were so similar minded folks, was liberating, humbling, awe-inspiring. And then the adding spree began the night of 45s win.
Oh and has the last year ever been mentally, psychologically exhausting, as you probably can confirm with anyone who is living in the USA (jeez, anywhere in the universe who is observing this political shitshow) and even slightly into politics. It's been a nonstop emotional roller coaster that the majority of us want off and even as I look longingly at other shores to transfer myself and belongings to, I know that I won't leave, I will not be driven away.
So is FB a time suck? Is it more detrimental than helpful? A bit of both would be my honest answer. The election of the Orange Menace seems to have given free reign to every slime imaginable to slither out from under whatever rock they've thus been cowering under only to whack off to their individual screens (as well as don their pointy little white hats and feel like that's okay...it's not) and proclaim loud and clear that racism runs deep, oh so deep, in this country. The world has turned hateful (actually it always was) and some want to perpetuate that hate, spread it like glitter. I watch daily as folks spew such venom that it takes my breath away from it's intensity leaving me to wonder if we will ever find a better world for any of us, including our future generation. On certain days, I honestly don't think so.
But then....there are those days when through a lot of darkness someone posts something, shares something, says something which makes me think, or laugh, or feel hope. I have a whole world of people who show me on a daily basis that they are continuing to fight, for themselves, this country, this kids, this world, the future and it bolsters me, gives me hope and somehow regenerates my own fight from within.
And then there are the cat videos, pet pics, kids stories, geriatric parents dancing around to Tupac (true story), yo momma jokes, a plethora of memes that make me belly laugh and I know that although there is a host of things wrong with being this connected, there are an equal amounts of right.
For now I stay.
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