Roadtrip and Reality

I wish the title was more reflective of some exotic location like Egypt, Bora Bora, Australia...anywhere but Pennsylvania? 

Note: I started to write this blog a few weeks ago but since then, my emotions have been on a total roller coaster therefore I never got to finish it and honestly, my feelings towards this state is not so positive right now although I know that not all that live there are selfish ignoramuses who decided to vote for the horrendous Orange Ball of Shit. Sure, I believe that.

But I was there, and at that time, it was just turning from the vibrant colors of summer to the warmish tones of autumn. If you had no clue, I absolutely love this particular season. The very idea of sweaters, outerwear, scarves and fuzzy socks bring me to the edge of ecstasy...well it used to. Now, thanks to crossing over the threshold of a woman of reproductive age to, not so much, hot flashes have become my constant companion. I'm going to tell you men out there who may be reading this, if the females in your lives suffer the absolute chaos of peri-/menopause, please be kind to her. For real. Just support her. The first stages of this particular period (no pun intended) of life suck-eth and it's a true adjustment, physically as well as mentally.

Getting back to the point of this blog, I had a few days of PTO that needed to burned and instead of heading to the Blue Ridge Mountains, I decided to try something different. Pennsylvania seemed good enough with rolling land and absolutely scads of miles to drive without the annoyance of heavy traffic. Also armed with memories of a past where I had visited Lancaster to gawk at the Amish (who I'm sure appreciated it very much indeed), I hopped into the car after work on a random Wednesday evening. I should have known that nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever so smooth in this area.

For those who also may not know which geographic area I reside, I'm in the DMV (District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia) area. The trip should have been maybe 1.5 hours +/- here and there. But was it? That's the burning question. No. It took damn near 2.5+ hours. And them rolling land? It was pitch dark as soon as I hit the main road that would lead me to where I was going so those lands were lurking in the background somewhere. 

By the time I got into the small town of York to meet folks for dinner, I was at the point of saying, "why did I do this?" but after a few drinks, okay-ish food and music that was way too loud for the pub/restaurant that was chosen, my mood was swinging upwards.

The next morning, I woke up, got dressed and eager to hit the road to explore. But first, breakfast. I found what seemed like a pretty popular spot called "Round the Clock Diner". It wasn't too crowded which I admit I was thankful for as I'm not a huge fan of crowds. Here's where being a brown person in a place that is predominantly white comes is just...uncomfortable and NOT imagined.

As I was lead to the booth I would inhabit, I felt eyes on me. Was it imagined? You may think so but I saw far too many curious eyes on myself. I'd like to think it was because I'm so beautiful that I took everyone's collective breathes away but nay, that likely was not it. Sitting down, I decided to shake it off and just focus on enjoying myself. After all it wasn't often I got out to do things alone like this. The waitress was nice enough.

Ordering, I did what other "table for one" diners would do, stare at my phone. The food was indeed what I expected, tasty so as I dug into my single pancake with a side of eggs and turkey bacon, loud animated voices began to distract. It wasn't until the curious statement "I don't want them to..." pulled my attention into focus. 

What I heard was a whole ass conversation about conservatism, how it was the best way to live, how the liberals...blah blah blah...nothing new heard...and how the country needed to go back to traditional values. I finally snuck a look. It was my waitress. The one I said was nice enough, and she was...to me...in front of me. I didn't want to start to conspire that she was speaking just that loudly knowing I was within earshot, I refuse to give into that sort of paranoia, but it was hard not to wonder. 

Finishing up, this was the sort of place where you paid at the register and let me tell you, the biddy at the register gave me the same look one would give a cockroach that clearly deserved to be squashed. I left sad, as I often am in these situations, which I have encountered before many, many times, unfortunately. 

The rest of the day was spent avoiding people other then the Amish market that I stopped by. They were all lovely. 

Look, now it's approximately...like a lot of weeks since I went to PA. I tried to write but have been finding it more or less impossible since my bitterness towards that particular state stings my tongue. I shouldn't, I know, and I appreciate those who did try to swing the state blue but...yeah I can't write about that place anymore...or at least not now. 

This was a weird blog, I know. I was trying to find some normalcy in my writing, maybe post something once a week. No doubt I overestimated my stamina, moreover my sense of discipline, which I have zero. Where has the love of stories and words gone to? What happened to me? Where is my voice? 

Have a good one while I ponder these questions. 

 

I'm Super Duper Important Business Travel Person, Don't You Know?

Pic Cred: Greg Rosenke

The first time I boarded an airplane, I had an international passport and getting onto a jumbo jet. I was also 3-years-old, headed to my new forever life in the USA. Not that I understood any of it was happening at the time. I actually do have very hazy memories of being led up a metal staircase as I sobbed hysterically clinging onto my mother. For the longest time this was some dream only to find out years later as an adult, when relating this to mom she mused that it was likely I was indeed recalling the night we left family behind and the place of my birth behind. 

So when others speak about their first airplane ride, that's mine to share. From then on, and thanks very much to having family strewn about everywhere around the globe, particularly Bangladesh, I've been flying from a young age. We actually rarely ever flew domestic as the philosophy of my immigrant parents was that if it wasn't drivable, we weren't going because money was saved for those insanely expensive tickets back 'home' (weird that while Bdesh was where I was born, and the USA where I grew up, I still call Bangladesh home. Truth is Maryland is home and will always be no matter where I live.). We spent a lot of time in cars.

By the way, a body never really gets used to flying those long hauls, the 21+ hour flight time ones that seemed endless because they were. Sitting in a small confined seat with the only thing to look forward to was maybe a stale roll or a movie that you were too cheap to go see at the theater. As a child it was boring, as an adult? Maddening. I'm not the type of person who does well confined, not unless it's by choice. Add not a great sleeper on top of it. Good times. I don't think anyone enjoys this crap.

Wait, that's not true, likely I'm being a little extreme, allowing my own prejudice to color my opinion about this subject matter. I've heard, even know, of those unicorn individuals that love, love, love long flights but usually they're also the same who can afford 1st class, at least business and wouldn't be caught dead in steerage (like myself). Sister over here is most certainly not them. Hell, even if I could afford, would I? Yup, absolutely. I just don't have the funds.

Well anyhow, while I did hate those long trips back home due to the sheer hours they were also unbelievably stressful thanks to my mother who overpacked every single bloody time, even the handhelds were stupid heavy, and without missing a beat, we would always be asked to take something out of those stuffed to the gill suitcases otherwise pay extra weight. You know we were not about to do that. Right in the middle of the airport you would see us all huddled together (when I say 'us' I mean my mom and dad and whoever else adult were there, not my brother nor myself for we were 10 feet away pretending we weren't apart of that family) taking out all that we could to get the weight down to "you won't have to pay an arm and leg to check that thing in' level. I still see these brown families at the airport and my heart goes out to the kids.  

I do suspect that the reason I dislike the process of traveling is because of all that from childhood to youth to young adulthood. But the flip side, getting to the destinations? Exploring? Traveling overall? Oh heaven! If I had the funds, I would be in a different country every few months. 

The glorious part is that eventually I was at an age where I paid for my own ticket, which translated to trips, NOT Bangladesh. Those travels weren't nearly as stressful, including the two times I traveled back to the homeland due to the fact that I controlled those bags, packed them, weighed manically unwilling to make a spectacle of myself. 

All that being said, what I really wanted to do was make traveling into my career. I don't mean becoming a flight attendant, I didn't envy those folks and what they had to deal with on the reg with passengers. Their job always seemed so thankless to me although they looked damn good and were soooo poised. What I mean is to be able to travel for my job. 

I was the little kid at the airport watching well dressed people rush by seeming very busy, hurried, important. When I learned that they were going away for their jobs, well wasn't that cool? I wanted to do that! 

As if manifesting that ambition, eventually I did. The first ever business trip I took was to Minnesota. That was eye opening because I had no idea what real business travelers did such as all that went into organizing the trip itself, finding flights within budget, hotels, transportation, had no clue what a per diem was or that I had to track expenses. For sure there were occasionally fun moments but you just don't realize exactly how much times is spent in never seeing anything other than the confines of a conference room or at most, a nice restaurant for dinner with colleagues. During the Minnesota trip, I was accompanied by a gaggle of team members who showed me all the ropes, guiding me so I didn't end up somehow charging the firm for something I shouldn't, or me paying for something I didn't have to. 

I learned all this in one fell swoop but did I consider myself a legit business traveler, had I arrived? Nah, what I thought would make me bonified was solo travel. Don't ask me why, I actually have no reasonable thought behind it at all.

Long story short, throughout the moving and shifting of careers, I did end up business traveling quite a bit but here's the reality: I was never really busy when at the airport other than turning on the 'puter to check emails (even then, not really as I could do it through the phone). If anything I used the excuse of checking emails to keep myself occupied so that at least I looked busy and not a lonely loser. Oddly, I never found the need to run either (unless I didn't manage my time right or sprinting between gates due to airplane delays) as I thought that's what bidness folks do. Last, and humble alert, I was never that important. I guess in a way I was important to the company sending me on the trip because they just shelled out some cash to get my ass there but like...important important? Nope. 

Business trips still sorta get me hype (not always, depends on the destination, like if I were going to NJ, not really, no offense), I do look forward to them, but the youthful shine has long since rubbed off. I absolutely detest the prep before hand which hugely includes packing, something I cringe at, without a doubt the biggest reason I don't travel as much as I would like. As I wrote on FB just earlier this morning, why haven't they created a tele-porter that we could use to just, at minimum, get our suitcases from point A to B? Also, my mind balks at trying to figure out what is the best way to get to the airport, when is the right time to leave, what is the traffic situation, etc...gahhhh...low level stressful and likely the second big reason I don't travel by air unless I'm required. 

Currently as I write this I'm 10,000 feet up in the sky headed to the west coast. What a different world we live in that I am able to do so, right? My employer is taking the whole lot of us, all 300+ staff meeting for a few days. They've thought of everything including providing vouchers for ride shares as well as launching an app that is more or less a 1 stop shop for all the info. The organizers are beasts. And all of this is lovely. I'm excited because I haven't been back to CA in a while. I'm stoked to have time with colleagues and physically meeting those I had only connected with virtually. It's cool that we're going to be taking several hours in one day to volunteer to paint a middle school (or is it schools?) and I adore, adore, adore the companies mission statement. I work for an NGO that provides loan for underprivileged, BIPOC communities. We help make dreams happen and I'm 100% onboard with all of it, blessed to be apart of this place and yup, thrilled to be going to spend a few days across yonder but...just...truly...

...I REALLY HATE PACKING.

(Yeah, a whole blog simply to say those 4 words.)

(Also, the outlet at my seat doesn't work.) 

(I'm going to snooze out.)

(Did I mention I hate packing? Yeah? Okay.) 

 

I'm So Awesome, No I'm not, But Yes I am, But Not Quite...

(You gotta love the nonstop "..." that I use in my titles. They denote a certain mystery, unsaid words, etc...right?)

If you're wondering what this blog is going to be about, that little nugget of information that I provided in the prior blog about things that have happened in the last few years that contributed to me disappearing from this sphere, well this is one of the first sharing that I'll be doing. 

Let's talk about introspection, shall we.

What does true introspection look like to you? Particularly when it's real without smoke and mirrors or gaslighting yourself?

I'm here to tell you that it absolutely, without a doubt, completely and totally SUCKS, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Regardless, I've been doing a lot of it for quite a while now, as in years and years. Who knew I would need allllll that time? Not me, and that was probably where I went wrong. The assumption that I was pretty okay and self-realized. Nope, not even a little.

(Side bar: As I'm drafting this, I think I may have even written about this same topic before but I have zero patience to go do my due diligence to make sure I'm not being redundant. Likely that I am, I own this and maybe I have something fresh and new to share in all this?)

Introspection seems like such a popular, trendy word in certain circles. These are the intellectual giants who appear to have their thumbs on the pulse of their own psyche, as well as others. They seem to know right vs wrong, correct vs what the actual fuck, zen vs frenetic...etc. In fact, most often these chosen people seem to glide around so composed with an aura of light that can often be blinding. They are...perfect, or at least seem. And when in the company of these 'whole' humans, the regular folk like myself strike a thoughtful pose, nod solemnly, and try to pretend like I not only get what they mean but also ascribe to the same higher consciousness. 

Even while I pretended, fearful of being less than...if I have to be honest, this shit used to annoy me, not because they had a grasp on things I didn't understand or reflected a behavior that I thought was impossible in the face of negativity of any sort but rather because I wasn't at their level, hell, I didn't even know there were ladders available to begin the climb.

Then one day way back in about 2015-ish or so...I was pretty down and out. Really, really. I had very little idea about the future, felt as if so many roads I thought has been 'safe' were anything but and more importantly, I was angry that because I was a good person that I didn't deserve such strife. I, of course, never said this out loud, never let my angst and outrage show but this is exactly what I thought. Or maybe I did and I had no awareness of it. I was clawing to understand why I seemed to be a target of God's and fate in general.

Do you know how devastating it is to think you're this completely awesome person only to realize one fine day, after turning a few things over in your head, how very wrong you were? It's a literal journey through your life up to that point where you're convinced that just because folks think you're 'helpful, nice, kind, good' should give you a free pass from sadness, disappointment, struggles, etc. It's bullshit of course.

Being all those things, the positive things, doesn't make life easier. Sure, it's a great way of being able to look at yourself in the mirror and not be horrified at the reflection. If you're not being truthful to yourself though and if you know that what you show to others is a better version of all those things in your head, or worse then well...what's the point? Who really are you?

That's the question I posed to myself. Who am I without the nonsense and fakery? What am I? Am I that good person that's so helpful, so nice, so good, so kind? And while I speak of no payback, that my good deeds speak for themselves, did I really mean it? Turns out folks, I didn't. Not at all.

I swear expectations, the type that demands like to like, is bonkers. A minimal amount is completely, at least to me, acceptable, but the ones that says things to you such as "I did that for X and they didn't do anything back for me...they suck" or "How could they have not done/reacted the way I did when they needed X for me, and now that I need them?" 

Yikes. I thought this ALL the time. Comparisons of my act of service, which is for sure my love language, versus the other persons was way beyond what could be considered healthy. I walked around in a perpetual state of emotions that were wholly negative. I reduced those around me to being insensitive and my outrage was as high as the furthest outreach of the galaxy. 

My mindset was toxic. Like a salivating dog looking for a bone, I was seeking reasons to feel superior.

And during all that time I was amazing at pretending to be enlightened, really above it all. This was not even slightly true. The need for people to like, respect, want me was all I could think about. That external approval and validation was far more important than the internal. 

What did I do as I started to realize what my mindset was really like? The first thing was...to avoid the hell out of it. Because the first look was so damn ugly that I sunk into binge watching every episode of the Star Wars series, even the terrible 3 middle ones. Better to torture myself with Jar Jar Binks then who I truly was.

Eventually I got back to it. Unpacking that first instance of an incident that I thought I had been in the right and the other person, wrong. The fact that I so quickly could find that example told the whole story that it still bothered me and I had to deal with it or lay it to rest somehow. 

The process I utilized:

1. Recalling every thing I could about it, down to the tiniest detail which is not easy.
2. Reviewing those feelings that had been generated within me.
3. Asking myself why I had those feelings.
4. Asking myself, if looking at the whole incident from the external, not the internal, as if I were a 3rd party observer, what would I have thought, not just about what happened but MY words and MY actions.
5. Did I at all try to defuse the situation?
6. Did I approach the situation with the willingness to listen and clarify?
7. Did I at all take into account the feelings of the other person?
8. Did I ask what was happening in that persons life or take that into account if I already knew? 
9. In all this, I did not at all focus on the other persons words/actions as it was in the past. I had to deal with the hear and now and most importantly, my part.
10. What did I want to do next? What was the remediation plan?

Again, this is what I did, this isn't some help advice column where I'm giving anyone some tips and tricks or psychological advice or therapy. I never went to school for a second regarding any of this, I don't have degrees, I have zero qualification. All this came from myself, from understanding and listening as well as over and over again putting myself into others shoes. The #1 question I asked in every instance as I faced the past:

How would I have felt if the tables were turned?

What

I'm Back...I Think!

You like the title? How self assured, yet indecisive I sound? 

Let me dive right in and say, if there is nothing more evident about time going by fast, it certainly became crystal clear when I logged into this long-forgotten blog. Today, randomly, I was thinking, "oh yeah, I have a blog, what happened to that?" (as if someone else had taken over because I'm a whole-ass publishing house or something with a staff that manages stuff) and then thought, "what the hell is my login?" This was followed by at least 30 minutes of trying to actually access it. It was touch and go, and I almost gave up. But I digress (did you really think anything would change, and I wouldn’t?). My last post was in December of 2019. It's now September of 2024. See, time elapsing, but seriously...

What in the world, Marty McFly?? When did I become a character in Back to the Future??

So why the great swath of time between that post and this?

Did I just start to lose interest in writing anymore, you may wonder? In a way, yes, but let me explain. I know why I've not been blogging—mostly the lack of words, but not a lack of things to say. I've just been processing as well as accepting so much change in my world since that last post (actually, even before). In rereading it, I was a little astounded by how trite it was when I was in the midst of so many things happening in the world, and my own life was actively altering at that point. My guess is that I simply wasn't prepared to put all those crazy facts and thoughts down in a way that would make sense to anyone.

One thing’s for sure, I've changed. A lot. And at the same time, I've remained the same. I've embraced a lot of truths about myself and had to rethink a lot of things, too—a journey I began well before 2019. That's okay. Getting to know your own self is no small challenge. Am I a better person due to all this? Yeah, I think I am. I've found a certain amount of peace, but do I have a long way to go yet? Definitely.

In writing this post, I'm also rediscovering my own voice. I haven't written anything substantial in ages. Not really. Even on FB, I've noticed a withdrawal of sorts from engaging too much. At one point, I used to write these impossibly long posts with ramblings and rantings, pithy anecdotes, or wisdom. The same 30 folks always liked them, and I was good, happy, content.

Then came the slow removal of myself from social media, which I contend was natural as life became full. But the bigger reason was that it seemed like the virtual world, which I once found succor in, became toxic with nothing but judgment, anger, and a sense of entitlement that I couldn't identify with. Hold on. Let me make this clear because some may think (well, those who don't know me) that I invite these things due to whatever sort of connections I have on FB.

If it wasn't evident before, let me be clear. I am a liberal. I am moderate as well.

During the nightmare years of The Orange Asshat's (Trump's) presidency, I cut ties with a lot of folks for whatever personal reasons I had, leaving behind a definite echo chamber of my own political spectrum. Well, at least I thought so. Come to find out, just because we're on the same side does not mean we are like-minded. After witnessing enough cancel culture, ego, and superiority that actually just made me angry, I made some effort to protect my own mental health by disengaging.

So here I am, living life, somewhat changed, and I think I'm back to the world of blogging? I say "I think" only because this is intimidating as hell due to the dustiness of my fingers, and I'm not disciplined enough to manage any sort of cadence to posting or anything really. I know this because I still have full bottles of vitamins that I promised I would take and did so regularly, for about a month.

I repeat, I've changed, but not that much.

The next few blogs will be about these aforementioned changes, some realizations, my thoughts about the world in general, my relationship with social media, and my own health journey (no, I'm totally fine, but there are some interesting things going on that I want to be transparent about so that maybe someone else on a similar journey can get some support). Oh also, food and photography. Lots to share about that. And trips...okay this is getting out of control. There's a lot to share, that's pretty much what I'm trying to get across.

I kinda hope this reaches some of my old readers. I'm not sure it will, but at this point, this blog is going back to being a little bit of a diary. If someone wants to read it in the meantime, that's cool, and I welcome you.

Now let me start writing the next one before I become disinterested because that's always a possibility.

Holiday Blues

Pic Cred: ME!

It’s really, really hard not to write about politics. I mean downright impossible at times since it’s so predominant right now, regardless of whether it’s here or anywhere else outside the boundaries of the good ol’ USA.

But I don’t want that in my blog…well not totally. I know me well enough, when I get enough into the feels about anything, I’ll write about it, particularly when I’m in a certain state of rage. Still you won’t see a lot of rants here because after I write out my anger-laden thoughts, I let it stew for a bit. After I return to the piece, inevitably I decide not to hit the post button. Fact is, the world around us is pretty icky regardless of whether I blog about it or not. As soon as I turn off the laptop, the realness and injustices, the straight up ugly is right there waiting. So I thought, why though should I let it be so very prevalent? I need to control this shiz, allow it to gain entry only where I want, not anywhere it wants. To that end, instead of letting this anger and growing hatred for everyone around me to overtake all aspects of existence as I know it, I’m going to (try to) use this blog, at least, as my escapism. Not that I haven’t been doing this since the beginning but I noted that since 2016 I’ve felt more of an instinct to post tirades than anything else. Now that I give it some thought, possibly I haven’t kept this medium up simply because there’s just nothing positive to say. What’s the point if I have nothing original to contribute?

With the best of intentions, and the occasional slip-ups, I forge forward with the hope that whatever gets put on this blog will be edifying, interesting, funny, observations or the equal likes as opposed to angry verbal diarrhea.

What’s first?

Let’s talk about the obvious.

Holiday’s are here which includes everything that is cinnamon flavored, twinkling lights and lots and lots of traffic.

Holy cow, the traffic. It makes one teeter on the edge of madness if they sit in it long enough. While I hold a deep distaste for it myself, I do love this time of year with all the sites and sounds. I am, however, not one of those folks who start to celebrate it as soon as Halloween is over. Personally, every holiday should be the star of it’s own, every season should receive it’s due. Maybe I feel this way also because of a deeply personal reason…

You see, my mother decided to give me birth on the very day a good portion of the populace is celebrating (whether religiously or as a token) Christmas.

Yup, yours truly is a Christmas baby.

Are you wondering if this is a good or bad thing? To be truthful, in parts it is both. I love and hate it all at the same time.

Imagine the child I was who used to see the decorations and present buying fury and assume it was all for me, only to be disappointed when eventually I was told it was for the birth of Prophet Isa (Jesus) (PBUH). This made little sense to me as a young tyke. Was he actually being given the gifts? Where was he to receive them? Didn’t he pass away ages ago? Then why were folks giving each other gifts instead of praying or doing something else like spending all that money on feeding the poor and stuff? How did gift giving even play into it and what about the other things like Santa Claus or even the much beloved decorations?

Suffice it to say, I was a weird child who had an annoying penchant to ask a lot of questions that were not easily Google-able because there was no such thing back then. I feel a lot of sympathy for my parents in a way to have had to deal with me.

Anyhow, the good of it is that well…I always get my birthday off. And others, throughout the year, always gasp when I tell them or they note, that my birthday is on the 25^th. I guess this last thing is good, right?

But there’s way more bad. Let me list a few:

Everything is closed (or it used to be but less now)

People straight up forget because they’re busy celebrating

Dual gifts (this would be more difficult if I were Christian but since I don’t celebrate Christmas, it’s less bad)

No one is usually around

Those are the obvious things which if you ask any other Christmas babies, they’d likely agree. Then there are the specific and personal reason for me which is…childlessness.

I am about to turn 47, I get a few months in which to remind me that I’m getting older, pointing precisely to the very day it’ll happen. Now let me clarify, aging doesn’t actually matter to me. I’m proud of every single wrinkle I have. I thank God for every day that’s been gifted to me because it’s a day more than anyone who passed had, so I’m not being an ungrateful boob about it. On a more personal level, it’s just a reminder that I move further and further away from being able to give birth to a child of my own, although I think that ship sailed long ago, thanks to my biology. But it is what it is.

Yeah, so here I am. A few days away from another turn around the sun and it’s both painful and sad. I could focus on the sad, which is so easy to do, but there’s little point in it. Nothing will actually change the situation of my life, at least not the birthing of my own child. I know all the other alternatives, I don’t need to or want to talk about that at this point. We all have our own crosses to bear and some aren’t for public consumption as this one is not.

How am I dispelling some of these blues?

I’m not. It’s there but I forget sometimes to be sad when I’m with someone I care about, when I’m laughing, when I’m sipping on some awesome peppermint-y drink, when I’m gazing at twinkling lights because I’m a sucker for them, or when I’m watching a movie that is totally unrealistic but that’s okay also.

Look the holidays are a struggle for a lot of people so mine are not unique. They are, however, mine and I make no excuses for them. I just try to work around them. Next season, I’ll have another reason to be in funkatude so I mean, what’s new, right?

Before I sign off, I asked my loved one: you’re not in the spirit of these holidays are you?

His response (and I’m paraphrasing): I like this season just fine, and enjoy the lights and foods and stuff but I hate that I have to be in a good mood, that I should feel a certain way otherwise I’m not doing this right.

He gave me pause to think and reflect. He’s right. No one should be forced to feel something or some way. We should not give into the commercialism of what Christmas has become or what silly movies or commercials tell us we should be doing. Instead, we need to be free to define it as we wish, with no blowback for it.

I’m going to go ahead and keep on moving forward with this month as I have always done. I’m probably going to go and gawk at some houses bedecked and wonder at their electricity bill. I’ll definitely be sipping on hot chocolate somewhere outside because that’s what I love to do and I’ll relentlessly sing Christmas carols under my breath even as I grit my teeth. I most likely will go to the mall, despite the chaos, just to watch others shop and I will sit next to my own tree and gaze up at it and make a few wishes. And yup, I’ll cry a little because I don’t have a kid that I can share this with. Don’t feel bad for me, we all have stories, I’m just letting you into mine.

And I guarantee you that by January, my bipolar ass probably will be wishing for a rewind because January is definitely always the bridesmaid and never ever the winter bride.

For now, I leave you with a happy holidays. Much love.

10 Years...and Counting

A few short weeks left in 2019.

How is that even possible? Didn’t it just start, like, yesterday?

At first, when someone posted about this on FB, I considered it casually, not allowing more thought than 10 seconds worth of my time. It was later, as I was looking for something around the house that the reality of a whole decade ending came to slap me upside the head, demanding a bit more consideration.

My annoyingly introspective self subsequently began to ask such questions as: what did you do to make these 10 years count? Have you grown on a personal level? Evolved? Have you learned anything or helped anyone?

A sense of discomfort came over me as I began the irritating journey of examination but on the inside. Why not the outside? Well life is funny in many ways as to how unpredictable it tends to be. Of course the overall journey that others can see is no mystery but it’s quite shocking to have to go back a decade, really recall all of them, and try to write them down. I’m not even going to attempt this but here’s a general synopsis:

Losses and gains

Ups and downs

Good and bad

Depressing and jubilant

I think that sums it up pretty aptly and probably, for the most part, apply to most anyone in the world.

There were great strides made in self-discovery, which I think would be the pinnacle of all things that happened. Shedding of ego, becoming humble, letting go of arrogance and a sense that all I think and do is ‘right’. I’ve turned my thinking around but not before facing adversity but that’s why we go through struggles, correct? In a way it’s just a vehicle upon which lessons are delivered to us. I didn’t think so in the past. I actually was sure that everything bad that happened was just a direct and personal vendetta against me, whether it be from God or whatever.

That assumption was lousy full of conceit, now that I think of it. How can it not be? I was so blinded by what was happening to me that there were almost horse blinders in place regarding those around me and what they suffered. Cancer? Not bigger than my mother yelling at me. Someone dying? Yea, well that happened in my family too, so what? A friend suffering from heartache? Oh shut up, been there, done that, no biggie and I can one-up you.

So incredibly narcissistic, really, to believe that I knew all, felt all, suffered all.

But…as this last decade slipped by, we were faced with struggles that were well beyond anything we imagined, bigger than our nucleus and the affects, wide spreading. We received, unto us, an orange dipwad who would change the very landscape of our world. He would bring forth hate, division, overall “isms” that had been lurking in the shadows. I don’t know whether to detest him or thank him because while the universe seems to be so very ugly right now, truth is there is more good than bad, if you look at the individual. However, if we continue live in the warmth of our own ignorance (for that’s so much easier), we are never really faced with the horrid realities that many people face every single day and their struggles. To change, become better, evolve as humanity should, we need to address the societal problems which have been there all along, festering.

I’ll expand upon the above more in a later blog but essentially, after the 2016 elections, I came to grasp just how small my problems really were/are, even though this had been slowly happening throughout the decade; it was just brought into sharper focus as minorities were being marginalized, more so than we could ever imagine.

The afterbirth of the election also brought to my world a varied amount of new people via Facebook. Looking for solace, I eagerly added many like-minded folks who I thought would share my grief and while that is most certainly true, I’ve also learned that regardless of how similar we are and that our political ideologies align, that doesn’t mean we are in lock-step. At first this was disappointing and disheartening but yet again, another lesson. It’s okay to be different, to have varying thoughts, as long as they are not focused on the sole purpose of destroying others for the benefit of themselves. And through these new friends, I saw all sorts of hardship and strife. The grief of losing loved ones, the devastation of being diagnosed with a sickness, the heartache from a dissolution of a relationship…so many stories, so much sadness and sorrow. But through that there was strength and resilience and kindness. There was laughter and lifting one another up and caring. These were things I needed to see.

Yeah, the whole decade was an epic roller coaster that took me from terrible lows to riding high, back down and up again. I suspect this is just a part of life so I shouldn’t expect it to change, and I don’t need it to either. Via these undulations of life,  I’ve become a bit more humble, far less arrogant, less judgmental, giving of myself without expectations of receiving, and overall prepared that if I take the last breath that everyone eventually has to take, it won’t be full of regret.

The next decade (if I can make it through)? I’m going to love a bit more, care a little less what others think, judge only myself, help those who need to be lifted and defend the helpless. I want to make sure that in the next 10, I can somehow get to the end of it and say, I made it all count.

Flat-Line and Trying to Resuscitate

I know this will make a lot of your eyes twitch but I bet it caught your attention!

Greetings!

It's me again. Remember me? Remember? Ahem...maybe you can just like, click through some of the other blogs I wrote in the past to refresh? They're all listed on the right side of your screen. It'll only take you a few seconds (but I'm a bit verbose and long winded so possibly more than a few seconds). Regardless, I'm willing to wait...

So now that you can recall who I am and what I'm about...

This blog pretty much flat-lined now for a year. 

I was shocked today to log in and see that the last post was from 2018, 2019 having been completely ignored like a bald-headed middle-child. I had to take great stock in why I had let my writing lapse but other than sheer laziness, which has pretty much been my standard go-to excuse, I suppose I can come up with a few other less reasonable explanations.

First, let's just address laziness again though because it bears repeating. It's not just procrastination, a behavior that I have perfected, but overall "I don't want to move a muscle to bother" attitude. This is never a good thing and even at the ripe old age of (almost) 47, I have yet to know how to overcome. If I believed in new years resolutions, this would be one that I would promise, however, in knowing me only too well, it would be a setup for an epic fail. Maybe now it's just time to accept this as truth about my own character and find workarounds? 

A second, possible viable reason for the non-blogging, likely excuse has been life. The general business that comes with being a breathing adult has been taking up a lot of time. Work, social, xyz, have all come to play. I find it harder to come home after a day of staring at a computer, only to have to do it again and create something at least read-worthy. Laziness also plays a role here too. In retrospect though, I cannot continue life as an excuse because everyone is doing it and seems to be able to find a balance. Me? Not so much. 

Oh god, so much evolving and growing up to do.

Third, the political environment. Doesn't seem like this could even be a thing or moreover why is it a thing? If you do not know me well, know this: I am into politics. Good, bad, ugly, I take it all in and yes, it messes with my head. Anyone who lectures me about this is speaking to a brick wall. Frankly, I do not get those who pay zero attention to politics for most of the time, whatever is happening within government will impact me in some way. With the shit-show that is Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, who has time to indulge in anything other than wanting to disavow any allegiance to this country and instead find a small corner of the globe and just disappear? Truthfully this isn't what I want to do. He pisses me off enough that I am one of those picking up the phone, calling representatives, marching, raising my concerns and that...my dear friends, take time.

This last excuse actually isn't an excuse at all but legitimate and I'm not sorry for this one to be a reason as to keeping me away from anything. There are more things at stake here, real human lives being impacted by the orange menace in office who isn't just stupid, but dangerous. Whatever I can do to help get him out (preferably right into a jail cell), I'll do without any qualms and with a great sense of satisfaction. 

I want to be able to look at my nieces and nephews (along with all children) sometime in the future when they ask, "what did you do to save us?" and reply "everything I could."

My final thoughts? 

I'm back. I don't know for how long. I really do need someone who can hold me accountable but I also don't like to give this sort of responsibility to anyone else when I should be adult enough to get my own life, particularly an aspect of it which I legitimately adore.

Let's see how long this lasts. It's the holiday season so maybe I have things to say, observations to make. The 20s is coming to a close so I have at least a decade I can address. Maybe even speak to some changes that I have seen in me? I'm not sure if any of it will be of interest, whether I'll gain back any sort of readership but I'm going to give it a try.

Apples + Adventures in the Great Outdoors = Awesome Sauce!

Autumn is here, or at least that’s what some of us insist upon believing despite the ‘unseasonably’ hot weather. Regardless, we are heralding it in by sweat-ily sipping steaming hot cups of pumpkin spice what-the-fuck-ever while baking in our own juices in 80+ degree heat (that’s Fahrenheit for us yanks). And because I love everything that is fall, including colors, smells, feel, when someone suggests something (really anything) fall-y, I squeal like Ivanka Trump when she sees her daddy. (Yes, that was off-color…what of it?)

A dear friend suggested we take a trip out to the orchard to pick apples last Sunday. Apparently, I went mute, eyes got super large (dare I say wondrous?) as I just nodded like a bobble head. I was definitely down and then some because…well apple picking. This would be my first time. My apple picking virginity would be taken from me and I was thrilled about it, hussy that I was being.

If you’ve never been (I am, in case you’re still stuck on the virginity comment, referring to the actual action of picking said apples), you should go but be prepared. I think we have this visual of running (in slow motion) through orchards wearing gauzy clothes which floating about us while picking the perfect apple from trees that are fairly teaming with plump red or green bulbous treats. Subsequently, there often is some handsome man, a beautiful (blond) woman, and perfectly dressed radiant children who exchange a lot of hugs with their parental figures. A dog is on the side jumping up and down, it’s a golden retriever for some reason. Oh, and Lots of laughter, lots and lots.

Is that just me when I think of apple picking? TV is of the devil, I tell ya.

Anyhow, the reality though is a bit different so let me prepare you for it while giving hopefully helpful advice, so you don’t go into shock, particularly you city-dweller types.

Check the weather

It’ll determine attire and orchard conditions. Even if it’s autumn, that doesn’t mean its autumn weather and this Sunday it was just simply hot. Wearing shorts was a better choice than long pants (particularly jeans) because you’re sure to bake. Of course, those who do protect their legs aren’t liable to get eaten alive by bugs but let’s ignore that for a second. Oh, and sneakers you don’t care to get muddied up are essential vs say loafers or flipflops because oh boy was there mud after weeks of torrential rains and those apples that had already fallen hurt under feet.

Orchard distance

They are never close, or at least not from me since I’m DC adjacent. Be prepared for the drive.

Time of month determines fruit available

If you’re looking for a specific specimen, just double-check to see when those tend to be optimum. In case you didn’t know, and cared to, the season for apples are almost finito.

Be prepared to walk

While this farm allows pickers to drive into the orchard itself with cars, we opted not to deciding instead to get some exercise. It was a lot of walking. Orchards are not flat; did you know that? Up and down, winding hither and yon. Just be conscious that if you do not wish to drive, then you best wear sneakers (this point is worth repeating) and you’ll sweat, like gallons and them bags of apples can get super heavy after a while. Also, sweat running into your eyes sting. 

Creepy Crawlies

Hey, it’s outside which means bugs. If that’s not your thang, don’t be going out there into nature. If you still decide to go, please shut up about the bugs because THAT IS THEIR HOME, NOT YOURS and absolutely NO ONE wants to hear your nonstop bitching.

Interesting smells

Due to the rains, a lot of the apples had fallen off to adorn the grounds, stankin’ up the space. It wasn’t as bad as say if you went to a dairy farm. The air, for the most part, was perfumed with the sour smell of apples and while it wasn’t unpleasant to me, it was surprising at first. I admit I looked around trying to figure out who had spilled a vat of apple cider vinegar.

Picnicking

I found this quaint actually. Plenty of groups were sitting around under trees breaking bread together. Had I known this, I would have armed myself appropriately but there’s always next time.

Chi’ren

Look, if you’re not down with the ankle-biters squad, then just avoid places like this because they are everywhere running, screeching, laughing, running…did I mention running? One little dude almost ran me over hence I mention this a couple of times. I love kids so to me it’s just beautiful to watch them but that’s me. If it’s not you than don’t be a butthead to go out there and be all sour-pussed. I say stay safely in your coffee-houses concerned about eating healthy whilst punctuating all your conversations with “organically” while not really having a clue as to the root of the source or ever having laid eyes upon open spaces.

Romance

Yup, romantic…if you want to be that is, but try to be so with the person you’re with and not just a random stranger, IJS. If you’re attempting to get all cuddly/close with yo boo thang than that’s cool but admittedly if you’re trying to do more (*wink wink nudge nudge*), most likely you won’t find that sort of privacy unless a kid catching you with your hands in the proverbial cookie jar gets you off and if so, ew and yuck. But don’t lie, you were wondering so you’re welcome for this bit of salacious information. Wait till it’s darker outside and then have at it is what I say.

Bathroom lines

This one was about 2 years long with 150 folks in front of me all clearly doing their business as slow as humanly possible. Alright, I exaggerate. It was not that long, it took a bit of time, and (at least at this place) it was super clean. But the alternative option there was the dreaded port-a-potty *cringes* Bring antibacterial everything or don’t drink water.

Picking from a tree vs picking from a bin

We were determined to pick right off the trees but thanks to the weather of late, that actually became frustrating. As we tromped through rotting apples we wondered if there was anything left to be had. As varied breeds of apples were already becoming one with the earth, there were other types that still clung on and for the Tatin that would be made later, there just wasn’t enough variety on the boughs. With little other option, and exhaustion from the beating sun and excessive walking, and even while we didn’t want to resort to the bins, we did…and it was okay. We weren’t cheating, they were there for just that purpose so in case you think that it is duplicitous, it’s not.

Tantalizing scents

The place we went to “Stribling Orchard” not only offered various fruits to pick, it also had a sinfully good bake shop so in case you wanted nibbles (outside of the fruit hanging off the trees), you got it, and all of those mouth-watering aromas fairly screamed fall. There were also refrigerators full of freshly pressed apple juice…mmmm…apple juice *says like Homer Simpson*Be ready to shell out though because that shiz ain’t cheap.

 

Pumpkins

Here the pumpkins had been picked from the patches therefore no Linus sightings. Still had fun doing this but remember, they charge you by the lb. and of course take the required selfie squatted next to the orange mass as you caress it lovingly because you must.

Water

Just take it along with you. We didn’t. We were unprepared.

Breathe…

Slow down, bask under the rays of the sun, live in a moment, fully. Leave the concerns of life behind for they will all be there when you return to the mundane that life tends to be. You’ll have plenty of time to rail at whatever happens to be pissing you off at the moment and remember not to let the heat and walking shorten your temper. It’s fun so keep it fun and don’t ruin it for others because your ass is feeling crabby.

Memories

I’m so bad at creating them because I’m also the person always looking forward. Maybe with age, I’m a bit wizened therefore I try to generate as many reminiscences as I possibly can for now I realize that these will possibly be all I have when it’s all said and done.

Okay, folks, I hope you enjoyed these insights. Maybe they were ultimately totally unhelpful, maybe not. The point though is that if you have never experienced something like this then go do it. I hope I inspired you to fall into fall with enthusiasm.

*Photo-cred goes to me!

Let Me Straighten You Out a Bit

Here’s the thing that you may or may not have realized while reading my blogs, I’m brown. There I said it. I’m brown. Never mind that I’ve mentioned it many, many times before but it needs to be said over and over again (apparently) not because I’m trying to box myself in or even categorize me, but rather in a way to explain that due to the color of my skin (which was not something I controlled anyhow) my life experiences are vastly different, yet I’m not all that dissimilar from anyone else. But damn near every day, as I strive to prove I’m ‘the same’, others want to ram it home that I am not. Read that as “do not belong”.

Nowhere is this more evident or pointed out the most than online. Due to a simple picture of myself on a profile, I am instantly and swiftly judged as a few things in quick succession.

They are as follows:

-Submissive or subservient
-Un-hip or Uncool
-Backwards
-Oppressed (aka Muslim female)
-Stupid
-Boring
-Prude
-Mysterious

Let me gleefully burst some bubbles here, kiddies.

I’m none of these things. Not a damn one. Let’s start from the top and work our way down because, why not!

Submissive or subservient? Take your pick of either or both words for folks seem to think they are one and the same even though these two words can mean vastly different things. Ask just about anyone in my world who has faced me for any length of time and they will confirm, or cringe, or laugh, at the use of these words in connection to me. Granted their opinion will also be determinate upon what roles they play in my world. After all, I can be submissive, but under the right circumstances *wink wink*. As an alpha-female, neither of these terms apply to me, and for the most part, no to most of my friends either. I guess like attracts like.

Unhip or uncool? Frankly, I don’t particularly care about these. To some I’m about as standard (maybe ‘basic’) as they come while to others they see the flare, the interesting in my person and dress that denotes someone far from unhip, whatever the fuck that means anyhow. As for uncool? Shoot, you’ve never met a cooler person than me unless you’ve met Prince in which case, Prince.

Backwards? I step with the time. While I may resist doing something that the nation is over-the-moon about (e.g. Game of Thrones), in things other than TV or popular consumer goods, my ideologies are far from backwards. Equal right for all is not just a bumper sticker or passing ideology to me, it’s something that I will march for and believe in to the bottom of my core. Every moment that slips past, we need to learn to adjust to it for every moment also reveals new realities. If we cannot embrace these changes, we are doomed to be stuck forever. No thanks.

Oppressed? Ok, I’ve written about this before, I’ll write it now, and I’ll probably have a go of it in the future but there are things worth repeating. Just because I’m Muslim hardly means that all Muslim women are oppressed, least of all me. I don’t wear the Hijab, but my mother does and trust me, if you meet her, you’d look at me in total confusion because she is one badass matriarch. My dad, god bless him, has tried (joking but not) to tell her what to do, which has never gone over well, never ever. She won’t bend to someone else’s arbitrary dictates or limitations. Bravo to her too. Incidentally and if you were wondering, my dad isn’t a fan of the Hijab, my mother still wears one. So, put two and two together. Oh, let me just add as well, this is not rare to my family. This is across the board common among the other Muslim families I’ve known all my life and have met throughout that same life. You white women really need to stop telling us brown women that we’re oppressed. Move it along and maybe look into your own homes to see the ways you yourself is being oppressed, IJS.

Stupid? Usually connected with theism. Being a theist hardly means I’m stupid. Do I subscribe to what people have often snarled as “a mythical winged creature in the sky”? Yes, yes, I have. Do I believe there has been evidentiary or scientific proof? No, no, there isn’t…yet. So then how do I still believe when I tend to be a logical, evidence-driven person? This answer too is rather simple: it’s my own fucking business. I’m not putting my ideologies on you, don’t put yours on me. The moment I start to lecture or even come close to converting you to Islam, please tell me to go pound some sand. I’ll deserve it. Until then though, leave me the hell alone. I’ll believe as I wish, despite what you think or your opinion of me. My intelligence, just so you know, isn’t limited to what I see but also sense and while one could be a fantasy, and the other factual, neither is random in my universe. There is logic behind it all, a process that I personally go through to validate findings. That far from makes me anything close to brainless. If you still believe so, then maybe you need to plaster yourself with that particular label, eh?

Boring? I have my moments. They are vast, often encompassing the sofa and a remote control. #Noregrets. However, to say that I am boring as a person is giggle-inducing. Okay, granted I’d much rather sit at a coffee house working on writing something or having philosophical discussions regarding a plethora of topics with like-minded folks over going to a club/bar to get drunk or maybe even bungee jumping, but it hardly means I’m boring. Rather I have interests that differ from others and they are not all Indian-centric, thank you very much. My brownness doesn’t dictate to me a total lack of an adventurous spirit or exclusivity to my own community. Heck no! In all honesty, I don’t spend all that much time with the fambam anymore although at one time I had; I prefer to learn more about other cultures and traditions than only focus on the one I already am well-versed in, specifically, mine. I’m always down to try something new, once. Anyone wanna try some Rumba classes? Anyone?

Prude? This one actually makes little to no sense because I am half Indian, after all. India, the very land of the Kama Sutra. Let’s pause and think about that for a sec, now shall we? Sure, we Indian’s seem like we don’t have a sexual bone in our bodies when we’re out and about with all our buttoned up-ness and covered-selves but do you have any idea the populace that resides within the boundaries of these countries that are inhabited by people of the same shades as me? Yea look that number up and then get back to me. Those kids aren’t being born by immaculate conception, I’ll tell you that much. There’s some fuckin’ going on, foh sho. Because I prefer to keep my private life, private and not wear sexuality on my sleeve is because, yet again, I have chosen to do so, not because it’s been told to me (in a way it has but I ignore them anyhow) or that I shy away from it. When I decide to flip that switch, no doubt it’s flipped and no excuses are made.

Mysterious? Sigh. According to some, I clearly have Bollywood danced off some mystical mountain top surrounded by a cloud of incense with Henna adoring every peepable spot of my bod while at the same time wearing layers of gauzy material with my coal-lined cat-eyes and long flowing black hair that blows in the wind.  What the actual fuck? This one probably annoys me the most. I get that I’m not the norm, that I look different, that I’m a bit unusual in the light vs dark department since I hover somewhere in-between but that’s where it ends. And if you haven’t been paying attention, the point to blogging has been to bridge some gaps in assumptions. While I grew up in different environments, had vastly different experiences, ate different foods, spoke different languages (yes, and I mean multiples) as well as dressed differently once in a while, that didn’t (and doesn’t) mean I didn’t (and don’t) have the same feelings and emotions as everyone else. In fact, I’d say that no matter where you come from or who you are, we tend to react to things in similar manners, such as loss, love, etc. We are humans, when everything is said and done. I am as standard as anyone else in this respect. I don’t want to be fringed because I’m looked upon as dissimilar, I want to be accepted, I am not an island.

Now that I’ve clarified things, I feel better.

Inspirations

I am inspired.

Yes, I can honestly say those words without flinching or feeling like a pretentious boob. I’m totally inspired, and I can equally exclaim without batting an eyelash that I didn’t expect to be ever again.

So, what am I inspired to do and how did this all come about? Well, it’ll take some background here. 

Let me explain…

After 3 years of agonizing unemployment, no steady income, no sense of self at all, I managed to quite suddenly land myself a solid gig. I’ll get more into this later but suffice it to say, there was a lot of relief involved. Not only was I looking at losing my home if it lasted any longer, I was slowly losing my mind which wouldn’t have been good for anyone, least of all myself. As I grew a shell of hopelessness, uselessness around me, I wondered if ever the day would come that I didn’t feel those two particular emotions.

In retrospect, I don’t think it was that I missed working (who the hell would do that, really, if there were other options and it was willful?), I knew eventually if it wasn’t one thing it would be another that would have me worker-bee-ing again, but it was just an all-around sense of absolute nothingness that got to me. I looked around and saw no purpose of being. Every day I opened my eyes but didn’t comprehend the purpose of that simple action. No one needed me, no one was looking for me, no one was impacted by whether I was eyes-opened or eyes-shut. I would lay in bed to stare at the ceiling trying to come up with something to do, something that made me feel as if I had a reason to get up.

Pathetically enough, there were many times when I stayed just where I was with my chest feeling as if a 100lb boulder lay right there, smack dab in the center which suffocated but somehow it went ignored. Not totally ignored, I gave into it but emotionally I decided to shove it into a closet somewhere thinking I would deal with it later. Mind you, I knew I was in despair but wasn’t always willing to acknowledge it to anyone, not even me. I find that a bit bizarre since I’ve always been in-tune with my true emotions even if I failed to admit it aloud. Those days though to turn my face away from the depth of my sorrow was easier so that I didn’t cave into those demons that told me to do some fairly horrible things to myself. Sometimes just turning on the TV and getting lost in whatever drivel was there saved my life. 

Or there was the option of logging onto Facebook, which I did…a lot. It should come as zero surprise to anyone that it was my one gateway to the world, to not being so isolated, or feeling so damn invisible even while that’s exactly what I wanted to be, isolated and invisible.

I used that particular social medium to make others laugh or think, cry or consider, basically whatever I was feeling was somewhat conveyed through the words I would bang out onto the screen. I wanted folks to know yet not know. The duality of my own personality confounded me then as it does now. And even as I punched “publish” with some feeling of satisfaction, instantly after I was again deflated, dare I say bereft? I got positive reinforcement through simple thumbs-up emojis and when I felt particularly angry about life, I took it out on hapless victims. I became a troll and was unapologetic for it. Rather, I felt totally justified even as that too, left a sour taste in my mouth. So, while I was doing something, it wasn’t necessarily something that brought me any modicum of pleasure, other than momentary. Sadly, after some of these episodes where I would rip some douchenozzle to shreds, I couldn't always look myself in the eyes, that's just how appalling I had been.

But hold on, let me not delegitimize those bonds I did create on FB over these personal tumultuous years. They were and still are real, virtual or not. Some gone, yes for sure, but others stronger and so valuable because they were there for me without realizing it. It was astounding to realize that while some knew me ‘in real life’ couldn’t quite connect with me, while there were these other souls I had never met face-to-face who knew me at times better than I did myself. As those who actually had met me asked why I was so vested in these online ‘personas’ my go-to response became (with a sneer), “they’re no less real than you or I when we get online”. End of story. And while I did use the platform as an escape, I also made some long lasting, I-see-you-and-get-you precious connections that I can say are, as far as I’m concerned, the forever type.   

But even while that was all there…

My daily routine had become get up, listlessly make coffee, listlessly choke down food, listlessly turn on the computer, listlessly (along with pessimistically) apply for jobs, then listlessly do whatever else I could think to do like laundry, cooking, gazing out the window wishing I was brave enough to walk into traffic and just end it all. That last thing was actually always a blanket over my world. Why wasn’t I braver to just give into the temptation of permanent escape? Even then, even with that, I was losing. I didn’t have the guts. Now, in hindsight, I realize that it wasn’t a matter of bravery at all. Quite the opposite in fact, I was brave to just stay breathing, or at least I think. I don’t know.

Anyhow, back to explaining inspiration, which isn’t always an easy task. I was posting all kinds of things on FB, writing out thoughts with alacrity, knowing precisely how much I wanted to reveal, as I also (attempted) to finish writing a book that I had started almost 8-years prior. Two things that I was doing, FB and book. Not bad, all things considered. However, and here’s the ah-ha moment I had, through all that writing, the one thing I wouldn’t touch was this blog – the very thing that had at one time brought me probably the greatest joy and satisfaction. Seems odd, right? Not totally, if you know me.

I'm fantastic, absolutely jaw-droppingly beyond amazing good at denying myself happiness/pleasure. Yup, I'm that girl.

On FB, I only spoke of what I wanted to disclose, never my personal, truly tortuous struggles. Those made me uncomfortable to admit to anyhow, so I resorted to alluding to them - VagueBooking as it's popularly called. Writing the book, well that was an alternative world anyhow where I could dump all the fantasies I wanted sans judgement or anyone’s input. Nothing in the world of storytelling was wrong other than the limitation of one’s own imagination and since mine was always a fertile breeding ground, it was a natural outlet. 

However, my blog, this thing right here…ultimately, it’s personal. Very personal, and I’ve always felt a super profound need to discuss the weightier topics because although I post the link on FB, I know beyond maybe 5 sentences no one will really read on unless there’s some sense of dedication, vesting. Asking anyone to go beyond 2 minutes (which could be tough in itself) of reading time could be requesting for too much, which was exactly why I gave into speaking of cavernous pains, recalling ever-lasting poignant memories that shaped me, confessing thoughts I wouldn’t otherwise want to speak but if someone were to stumble upon the post, wasn’t afraid of them reading either. But those three years? Those thoughts were so very murky that writing them down scared me witless.

My blog, in essence, became something worth avoiding, not embracing.

I wonder though, had I continued to post would the road I’ve traversed been somewhat easier? I’ll never know, I don’t want to live in the past. Whatever I went through was what I was meant to experience. I just hope that I took from that long dark tunnel, the lessons I needed to learn. I think so.

While I did my best to avoid blogging, revealing truths, sure that there was nothing bright in my future, not even a tea-light worth of luminescence, somehow the days slipped by and there it was: a job. It came on like a speeding train, breaking through all my fears and rejects. Quite suddenly I had hope, a glimmer, a flicker, a spark. Truly, without any expectations, I had a reason to rise up, in more ways than just a simple old bed. It came on so swiftly and unexpectedly even while I waited for it, sometimes with patience, sometimes with rage. But one day after an interview, one single interview, not multiple ones, I received a call 2 short hours later that I had been hired. I was standing in front of my dressing table cleaning up the mess of jewelry there. Indian fancy stuff that I had probably used for some party or event. My fingers had become nerveless as I dropped a handful that I had been holding. My body seemed to numb, I sat down hard on the floor with eyes wide open in shock, the legs I used every day suddenly unable to support the frame I had been carrying around for 45-years, as I whispered into the phone to my recruiter, “are you sure? This isn’t a joke?”

Suffice it to say, it wasn’t. Proof is that I sit here right now, at work, typing out this blog as I wait for comments of a project I completed. It still seems incredible to me that I’m employed. Nothing any longer seems to bother me. Too much work? Okay, bring it on! Long hours? No problem, at least I’m making a paycheck, right?! Ridiculous timetables and turnaround? Oh, I got this, bring it, bitch!

Admittedly, it still seems incredible that I have made it to this place at all and not having given into those black thoughts. Trust me, there were a lot of them also. But let me not speak of that, so not ready to speak of them.

Last evening, as I enjoyed libations and nibbles with a new but quickly trusted friend, he read one of my random blogs commenting that he had enjoyed the post. I forgot, legitimately, how it felt to receive praise for the thing that I really did think I was good at. He sowed the seed right at that moment that maybe, just maybe I could write again? Inspiration.

This morning, as I was driving into work, sitting in traffic jamming out to music piped into ears through buds, body moving on its own accord to some upbeat Hindi tune or another, I looked about to espy the other worker zombies like myself who seemed as if life had been straight-up sucked out of their beings. And guess what? I was thrilled to be apart of them. One of their ilk. I belonged. Yay me! Inspiration again.

So, here I am, once again putting characters to screen to write down thoughts, trying to live in these moments that have been awarded to me for it had been touch and go for a bit. I’m going to, at least try, to make the best of this. I want to observe more. I want to taste more. I want to live a lot more. I want to stop compromising. I want to stop making excuses. I want to stop settling. I wasn’t born to be miserable, I wasn’t born to constantly give up my own happiness for someone else, I was meant to be the most authentic me I could be without, of course, hurting someone else in the process.

Hey, maybe after all I did learn lessons, eh? Whodda thunk it!

This comes back to the inspiration(s)…why indeed I’m writing now, so many years after my last blog, besides those I mentioned above…

The main inspiration though was simple, it was just whatever inside of me has decided to live again. Thus, along with that inspiration came the will to write a blog entry. I recognize that this isn’t something ground shaking awakening singular only to myself, I’m in fact quite typical in behavior. Things go well, my mood is better, I want to type. Things suck, I want to crawl under a rock and bury myself under inches of dirt and crap. The whole point is, things are well. And after the last three years (god, I am so redundant), I realize that there is truly no shortage of suffering and heartbreak but if I could get through that, then whatever life decides to throw at me can’t break me.

Let’s hope it can’t, at least.

At this point though, it’s time to just start sharing again, until I can and when I can’t, I’ll stop.

Wish me luck.