Sunday, March 6, 2016

Reappearance and the Ugly (Personal) Truth Revealed



There’s something that I can reveal about being a semi writer, a true struggle to some extent.  Oh mind you it’s not a terribly big secret but I’m going to treat it as one just because.  So here goes:  writers often lose their mojo and it’s a tragedy.
Yes, so as you see I’m writing.  Something. 
Since my last blog, I can honestly admit that the words did dry up.  I found myself on so many occasions staring at a blank screen which afforded so many possibilities and yet…nothing.  I struggled with questioning myself as to how dedicated I was to my craft (at least I like to think of it as such).  How could I call myself a blogger when I failed to post anything for months and months at a time?  Where had the passion gone?  Even when inspirational struck, I couldn’t manage to get thoughts down.  There was no use.  I had failed.  I told myself this but then again after reading the rest of this entry, you’ll know that this is something common I’ve been feeling of late and precisely why. 
So what’s kept me so preoccupied?  What’s happened that has made those elusive words escape me as I search high and low?  Besides the regular every day annoyances of life which everyone suffers, what could possibly keep me away from the one thing that I’ve always felt most at peace while doing?  Well here’s a not so hidden secret (another one, so bonus!):  I was laid off (again) back in September.  Some of you out there will be nodding, knowing already what has happened.  Others will be taken aback, surprised.  These will be those who are my Facebook friends.  And the last bit of you who only know me as the writer of this blog, you may be shrugging and saying to yourself, ‘okay, and…?”.
But let me talk to those of you who haven’t ever gone through a layoff, to those who have no clue what this particularly lovely experience is like.  Let me talk to you folks.  Let me expose the quiet reality of it, in all its psychological backlash-y ways. 
Back in September, on a day that had gone down in infamy anyhow, I was called into the HR admins office at about 3pmish (why does everything nasty happy at 3?  3pm or 3am doesn’t seem to matter) and told in a very comforting, calm and sympathetic voice that I was no longer needed.  My position had been terminated (even though there were others in the same position and they were clearly not being targeted).  I was also told that I would get a nice severance, and assistance to find a new job and…it was at about that point where the buzz started in my inner ear.  Her voice sounded like the adults voices in The Peanuts…wohn wohn wohn…  The buzzing was soft at first, slowly getting louder and louder as she spoke.  My mouth had fallen open initially at one point, staying that way, possibly giving the impression of a grade A idiot.  Initially whereas I stared at her with eyes large with shock, later those same eyes must have strayed, unable to look at her any longer, focusing instead on the bottom of the desk.  There was a piece of dark lint against the lightness of the carpet very close to the trashcan.  I don’t know why I stared at that or even remember it so very clearly.  It’s funny the small details we take as mental snapshots yet are completely befuddled by what was being said or the more important words thrown at you.
I heard everything though, somehow maybe they sunk in because they were ‘important’ yet still I had so much trouble really focusing.  Questions zipped about in my cranium, what to do next, who to tell, how would I handle this, how would I say goodbye...and she must have been clued into this because she kept asking me if I was okay.  She handed me a tissue box.  I didn’t know I had started to cry.  Or at least that tears were slipping down my cheek.  My Director, who was also sitting there silently avoiding all eye contact, suddenly leapt up, mumbled a ‘good luck’ and left.  Nothing more.  This was the man who I had been so close to, who had mentored me and I had consulted and even advised when he asked.  He said nothing.  Ties broken.
After the door closed behind him, the HR person asked softly, “you really had no idea this was coming?”
Lifting my head up to look at her was so hard….so very hard.  How I did it, I have yet to recall but I managed to connect with her and say in the softest voice ever, “not at all”, choking back a broken sob.  I was humiliated.  Not tears.  Not in front of this person.  Not in the face of no reason for this abrupt parting of ways.  Not without any answers, which I knew I wouldn’t get.  That fact was in her banal words of ‘economic decisions’ and a ‘bad year’.  The tears may have been the reason for the flash of something in her eyes, maybe heartburn/indigestion, who knows, before it disappeared swiftly.  I was glad.  I didn’t need compassion from the very person who had suddenly made me homeless.   I wanted to scream, shout, throw things, even threaten, but my professionalism held me back.  The tears had really been bad enough.  So instead I took a very shaky breath, squared (no, really I did, snapshot) my shoulders and told my frantic mind to shut up.  After all, now I had plenty of time to freak out at my own leisure.
Soon I was handed a packet, told to look through it, sign the right forms and to return it as soon as possible.  Then I knew what was next:  The walk to collect my belongings with my own personal escort. 
It was a surreal experience to be treated like a criminal, one that had been tried and convicted without any form of defense.  The halls of the office were eerily quiet, everyone having been sequestered into one office while the deed was done.  I had no chance to say goodbye, to hug those who had been my partners in crime, to even act like I was brave or that everything was okay.  I was robbed.
The rest of that day was a blank.  But I remember the tears.  If truth be told, the last few months have been blank as well, yet I assure you the tears have also dried up, much like the words.  It’s sad that I don’t know what I do daily anymore.  I send out resumes, a lot of them, I am always interviewing here and there, I get my hopes high and then they crash like water breaking on the surf.  I have spent hours and hours taking courses to brush up, supplement, educate, hoping that someone would take me in and give me a new home.  I ponder and muse, I accuse myself, I talk to God, although that was something I did much more in the beginning, not-so-much now.  So many have reached out from the company to talk, reassure, calm, assure some more.  I’ve heard all sorts of things that range from “what the hell happened” to “you were the best project manager here” but not surprisingly I remained a quiet mess.  The doubt piled/piles.  If I were so damn good, then why was I laid off?  The questions…oh my but the questions were/is nonstop.
I didn’t give any of this away, I am proud to say, other than to a select few.  And what I mean by that is talk about this new found status of my life.  Even to them though I revealed my initial shock, confusion, anger…then that too stopped.  I couldn’t stand to hear my own voice.  Have you ever had that happen?  When your own voice grates and irritates you to the point that you want to hear it stop?   Yea, well it’s not pleasant.  I found my mute.  When friends would ask, my standard response was “let’s talk about something better…”.  I meant it to some degree and to another I wanted to scream out that I wasn’t okay and that this sucked.  That I was no longer a viable member of society.  I was, in reality, completely useless.
And that’s still how I feel.  Sometimes the deep sense of not belonging haunts me.  I’ve spent a lot of time alone and I mean a lot.  If I said it healed me then I would be lying blatantly.  Time alone is a mixed blessing.  No matter the need to be with people is overshadowed by the fact that I want the quiet so that I can continue to belittle myself.  I mean why not admit this?  After all that’s precisely what’s happening.
A lot of you reading this last sentence are probably flinching, feeling bad for me, thinking that someone should tell me not to do this to myself, dare I say pity?  Truth be told, it’s okay.  I am self-aware enough that I can intellectualize that what was done to me, was a business decision.  I have little pride in my abilities for the most part but when it comes to work ethics and a job well done, well I am good at what I do.  Period.  No one is going to take that away from me, that’s for damn sure.  I also can comprehend that what I’m going through is not unique and that eventually things will turn around.  I know that forever I will not feel this way and that I will find a job, indeed soon enough I shall be bitching nonstop about the crazy work hours I must suffer through.  For now though, I need to do this.  I need to hit bottom with nowhere else to go because at that point, I’ll have no other choice but to start to rise again somehow.  Okay, that was mighty lyrical of me, right?
All I can tell you guys at this point is, don’t feel bad for me.  I’ve shared all because there maybe someone who is going through a similar situation and feels this terrible sort of solitude and worthlessness.  To them, I suppose this entry is to help understand that we all eventually face struggles that bring us to our knees.  I am not ‘glass half full’ enough to say that life is still beautiful and you should count your blessings and blah blah blah…I mean those are things that you should be doing even when everything is going your way.  I’m not here to be your therapist, after all unless you want to wire me some duckets and then heck, I’ll tell you whatever you would like to be told!  What I will advise, however, is that you realize that nothing is status quo.  Things eventually will change and you will look back upon the time of your greatest struggles in astonishment and wonder how you got through it. 
As for me?  I’m freakin’ lookin’ forward to that moment.
Yea, that’s what’s happening in my world.   The silence is broken, the secret is out, my behavior, who has detected a slight change, answered.  Sorry for the suspense.  I’ve long since realized that I’m the sort of person who needs to deal with what’s going on with my life, really digest it, before talking at any length regarding it or handling my feelings.  This blog doesn’t mean though that I’m past this particular low.  Nope, I’m still walking around with a dark cloud over my head specifically.  If I laugh, then I thank God for that moment because it is indeed rare.
Hopefully this is a breakthrough for me, posting this blog.  I can’t make promises but working at the laptop and getting out these thoughts have been cathartic.  I am recalling why I did this before and why I may just do it again.
For now, good people, I wish you adieu.